Well obviously there are a number of benefits of reading to your children even at such a young age. It teaches them about communication, it introduces concepts such as stories and builds listening, memory, and vocabulary skills. Besides, you wouldn’t wait until your kids could understand how to speak and communicate before talking to them! That would be absurd.

What you might not realize though is that by the time your child reaches their first birthday they will have learned all the sounds needed to speak their native language. And of course it follows that for the most part the more words and sounds your child is exposed to in their first year, the better he or she should be able to talk (when they eventually do).

Anyway, that’s by the by… I wanted to share this particular story with you. It was written by our beautiful daughter (7 years old), and I think it has the makings of a classic. Hans Christian Anderson, watch this space!

The Two Birds

“Once upon a time there lived two birds called April and June. June loved the month June and April loved the month April. The two birds lived in a bird house in a valley. Every morning the two of them would sing a song.

One morning they went for a fly up in the sky, they saw lots of vehicles in the sky like jets and airplanes and hot air balloons. Down below they saw the zoo and there were birds just like them. Then they went back to their little bird house.

When they got home the time was 12.00 so they went to bed and to sleep (editors note: not sure why she thinks 12:00 is bed time, she has an 8pm curfew. Perhaps she’s just “planting the seed”!). When they woke up they went for another fly. This time they just saw birds in the sky and below they saw the zoo.

THE END.”

NB – these are the original pictures she found of the internet and attached to her story.

OK, he has written a spellbinding account of the dying of our planet and it really is a bleak and “turn-paging” adventure as two pilgrims (man and son) follow a raod to nowhere.

I should add at this stage that after reading the book, I also saw the movie and I thought it was an excellent adaptation: it left very little out and was absolutely true to the book. As you may have guessed, I loved them both.

We are shown a world in which the only colour that we see is in the unconditional love between the father and his son. Other than that, fire and firestorms have consumed forests and cities, and from the fall of ashes and soot everything is gray, and the waters are black.

McCarthy has been known to espouse the topic of death in his novels, and death reaches very near totality in this novel. Billions of people have died, all animal and plant life, the birds of the air and the fishes of the sea are dead. The survivors (not many) of the barbaric wars that followed the apocalyptic event wear masks against the perpetual cloud of soot in the air. And the remaining few people left are predominantly found in cannibalistic gangs who are constantly searching for their next “meal”.

But for me, the context (or the backdrop) of novel played second fiddle to what I thought made the book the success it is… and that is the amazing relationship that one man has with his son. A man in his late 40’s and his son, about 10, both unnamed, are walking a desolated road and it is through the voice of the father that McCarthy delivers his vision of end times. The son, born after the sky opened, has no memory of the world that was. What we are told (and what continues to be the moral dilemma that exists even at the end of the book) is that the boy’s mother committed suicide rather than face starvation, rape and the cannibalizing of herself and the family, and she mocks her husband for going forward.

And therein lies the rub; was she right, or was the father? Cormac  describes such a bleak and hopeless world that we can’t help but think the mother may have made the better (and probably more merciful) decision. But who could take their own child’s life? Even in the worst of times?

And that’s the beauty of father. He’s a man with a mission and in his own words (when he shoots a thug who tries to murder his boy) he tells his son: “My job is to take care of you. I was appointed to do that by God. I will kill anyone who touches you.”

McCarthy does not say how or when God entered this man’s being and his son’s, nor does he say how or why they were chosen to survive together for 10 years, to be among the last living creatures on the road. The man believes the world is finished and that he and the boy are “two hunted animals trembling like groundfoxes in their cover. Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it.” But the man is a grafter, pushing himself and the boy to the edge of death to achieve their unspecified destination, persisting beyond will in a drive that is instinctual, or primordial, and bewildering to even himself.

The tale is as much about what an adult does for his child as it is anything else. It questions the traditional “protective” role of a parent and paints for the reader a picture of parenthood that is unique and unforgiving. The love between the father and his son – expressed in their quicksilver conversations – is what makes an otherwise dismal-to-the-point-of-unreadable tale accessible. Money and gold mean nothing, nor do government, education, books, politics, history, friends, home. The pilgrimage is plotless but it races with tension, a sequence of enemy encounters or sightings, the perpetual danger from the killing weather, huddling under blanket and tarp, endlessly gathering firewood, confronting mysteries the dead world presents to a man seeking (and finding) water and food in the deserted houses, barns and boats that survived the firestorms. The father is ingenious and unconditional.

I finished the book unsure of how to feel. I was deeply upset by this post apocalyptic work, in which goodness was hard to find. Yet the father and son, brave and loving and good but tongue-tied on what they were to do or what they were to become, gave me reason to read on. But what was the reason for this unlikely couple of survivors to keep going? Of that, Cormac is unclear. Was it of the boy’s becoming? Or his mission to redeem a dead world? Nothing is said. I (and others that I know who have read the book) could only think of our children on completing the book. Sad, but true.

If you’ve read it, let me know what you thought. If you haven’t, give it a go and tell me if you enjoyed it. Good luck.

Personally I’m torn. It’s not that I want my children to turn into mini Margaret Thatchers, but neither do I want them to end up in a world of debt and financial strife because they are unable or unequipped to understand how to manage money from a young age.

In our household, we introduced the concept of earning money with the use of a Chore Sheet (not quite a balance sheet!) and as long as our child completes all the chores within a week timeframe, they get paid “pocket money” at the end of the week.

We felt this was a sensible way of familiarizing her with the idea of working for your money and also ensuring that she understands that chores (by their very nature) can often be stuff you don’t necessarily want to do, but in doing so you get a reward. In addition, we’ve tried to make the “pocket money” value, big enough that she can buy herself a small treat or two each week, but small enough to mean she has to save if she sets her sights on bigger goals. (By bigger goals, I mean something akin to a Nintendo DS, not an Aston Martin DBS).

This all sounds innocent enough, until our daughter asked the inevitable question about loans and advancements! How do you explain to a 7 year old the concept of interest and the relative value of self-amortising loans? And then there was case of “administration charges”! In the end I agreed to advance her 1 month’s worth of pocket money, but she had to do an extra week of chores for the privilege (and if she reneged on any week of chores during the advancement period, she would need to double it before she was back into pocket money territory). It felt like a good lesson and a fair deal!

We have also opened an account for our daughter and we are now thinking about having a (very) small part of our wages deposited into a linked savings account. But even children’s accounts these days are full of questions and caveats:

• Bank Manager – “does she anticipate maintaining a balance of over $100,000 for the life of the account”?
• Me – “are you kidding… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer higher levels of interest over account flexibility?”
• Me – “Come again… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer transacting by internet or in person?”
• Me –“She’s…” well, you get the idea.

I do wonder are we doing the right thing? Is it wrong to try and burden kids with the concept of financial responsibility, or is it wrong not to provide a good financial base for your kids? All in all, though, I think the introduction of financial concepts (basic at this stage, but I’m sure it’ll get more complex as she gets older and asks more questions) has been a success for us. For the first time since I can remember, our daughter is now asking if she can “double-up” her chores?! She’s certainly understood that effort = reward. I’m wondering when I have to have that fateful conversation about household productivity and having to let someone go!

The experience at school, with its new challenges, interaction with other children, and opportunities to master powerful skills like reading and math, should be exciting and fun for kids. So imagine my surprise when I heard our 7 year old saying that they thing she liked best about school was that the teachers listened to her! How simple and yet how profound.

What does a child need in order to learn?

What our little girl brought to life is that children can learn only when they feel safe and welcome. At school this means they need to know that their teachers like them and think they’re special. They need to know that they won’t be bullied or made fun of on the playground or in the hallways. They need encouragement, high expectations, and a good deal of fun.

Once these basics are met then they can relax enough to absorb information and new skills. Just as in the home environment, children need kindness, affection, and some measure of one-on-one time if they are ever going to develop. For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that the emotional needs of children are met both at home and in the schools.

That got me thinking about specific things I do to ensure my daughter feels loved at home. Let me list what I think are the essentials:

Plenty of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels her confidence and frees her mind of little worries.

Plenty of fun stuff and learning through play. In my experience children learn best through play and hands-on activities. Not just at home, but also at school. The classrooms that seem to be the most effective are the ones where children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they’ve learned.

The freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. In our household we try not to think of them as “mistakes” and/or “failures”, but rather a learning.

To be treated fairly. A child’s keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means there are limits and boundaries, but it doesn’t mean you belittle them or attack them when they cross the boundary.

When a child isn’t able to concentrate or to learn, there’s usually an emotional issue that blocks their progress. This is the position children are normally in when they aren’t doing well at school. When they can’t write a story, can’t memorize their times tables, or can’t sit down to their homework, they feel upset, and often scared. That being the case, the first thing I want from a school and my children’s teachers is to ensure my child is feeling safe, welcome, and wanted

That then got me thinking about what the school is responsible for. Whilst schools should be able to provide an environment that children are feel emotionally safe in, schools are not solely set up to help children with the tensions that keep them from learning and getting along. This is a job we parents need to do.

Children want their parents to be the ones to listen

The dilemma is that children need more one-on-one attention while they are learning; this is only natural when you think about it. But unfortunately, it’s at school (where most of the learning is meant to take place) that children need to compete for the attention of just one adult. If we ever get to the point where schools are genuinely supportive to children, we’ll probably look back at present class sizes, at the lack of support for teachers, and at the lack of services for children experiencing difficulties in learning, and think of conditions in our times as rather primitive!

Since these conditions are what they are, almost every child will experience some difficult times in school. It’s inevitable. So here are a few guiding principles that you may find helpful when they hit a hard patch.

It doesn’t help to blame your child, yourself, or the teacher for the difficulty. You aren’t to blame. Your child isn’t to blame. The teacher is not to blame. No matter who has made mistakes, the heart of the matter is the lack of support and assistance for everyone involved.

First, listen to your child about the difficulty. He or she is obviously feeling hurt and upset, and they can’t solve the problem in that state. See if you can be warm and positive enough to help them work the through the pain. For example, children can often work through their feelings of victimization and come up with their own solutions to troubles at school, if they have the chance to offload the feelings in big, hard cries at home.

Let your child be in charge of the solutions. After your child has shed big feelings of upset, and after you’ve spent some time just being close to him or her, ask what he or she wants to do. Listen carefully. There may be a role you can play in advocating for him or her with the teacher or helping him or her talk with his or her friends. But don’t assume that because your child brought their feelings to you, that they want you to take charge of the situation. Many times, children can think of how they want to take charge after one or several good cries.

If you do decide to take matters to the teachers or other children make sure you get the whole story first. If your child does want you to approach a teacher or other students, listen well before you attempt to find solutions. A teacher, principal, or student needs to have their side of the story heard before they will be able to change a viewpoint or cooperate toward a fresh solution. If things aren’t working well, they feel badly about it, even if they’re acting like they don’t. Fresh, workable behavior comes only from a mind that’s been freed a bit from its troubles by a good listener, a listener who cares about all the parties involved.

At the end of the day, school should be a place of fun and comfort as well as a insitute for learning. This shouldn’t be surprising given that the children are most able to absorb and retain information when they feel secure and safe.

Despite the global financial crisis and the fact that many people have been “doing it tough” for the past year or so, nannies still remain a popular option for many families looking  for a convenient, safe and flexible childcare option.

So what are the advantages of using a nanny?

Nannies provide one-on-one care in the family home, so it is less stressful and uprooting for the child receiving care that going to a day care center, for example. Also, because of the low ratio of child to carer, the child benefits from plenty of attention and stimulation, and is more likely to form an emotional bond with a nanny.

Employing childcare in the home has the added advantage of keeping the child on familiar turf, which in turn helps children adjust more easily to parents returning to work. A kid may find the absence of a parent upsetting, but at least the safety of family home remains the same.

In addition, nannies give the parent comfort that their child or children are receiving one-to-one care from a skilled practitioner in childcare. Further to their general childcare experience, a well qualified nanny will also have studied child nutrition, health and safety, learning through play, and will also be well versed in the emotional, social, physical, linguistic, and intellectual development of your children.

Knowing how useful a good nanny or manny can be, the next question is…

How do I find a good nanny?

This is the one part of the equation that is absolutely critical, because as much as a good nanny can be godsend to both you and your children, a bad nanny can do just as much harm. Most parents wouldn’t think about compromising on the care of their children, but finding the best carer you can will take time, patience, and fair amount of resourcefulness.

1 – Make A List Of What You Want

This is an important starting point, because without knowing what you need your nanny for, you won’t be able to look in the right places. First talk to your partner about what you are trying to achieve by sourcing a nanny; will they be taking your child to school, preparing meals, helping them with homework, playing with them, taking them to after-school activities? Will the nanny be living with you and for what period of time? Once you have know what you are looking for you can prepare a list of questions you can refer to when interviewing prospective candidates.

2 – Do Your Research

This will be the most time consuming part of the exercise so be prepared to give yourself plenty of “search” time before you need the nanny to start! There are many internet resources to help put you in touch with nannies; from agencies to professionals who advertise direct. In my opinion, a personal reference is always a preference so ask around and spread the word. You can also put up your own adverts in baby clinics, schools, colleges and on notice boards.

3 – The Application Process

Once you have done the research, you should have a list of applicants for the job and this is where you need to put them all through a rigorous process. Ask questions from the list you made in step one. Find out about the experiences and their child raising philosophies. Be sure to see them at work with your child so you can see how the two of them interact… and of course CHECK THEIR REFEREES. My advice is to always trust your gut instinct; if everything seem right but you still feel something is a little amiss, then trust yourself and continue the search.

4 – Test Run

By the time you have gone through steps 1 to 3, you should now have a good shortlist of nannies for your kid(s). The final step is to do a trial run with each of them. Ask each of them to come to your home one at a time and watch them at work with your child. There’s no better way to help make a decision to see them at work for yourself.

If chosen well, a nanny can be a wonderful help in the task of raising your children. They will assist in meeting the social, intellectual and emotional needs of your kids. They will help them develop and stay healthy  and stimulated. In addition, a nanny will also provide assistance with the domestic routines related to your children, including changing beds and cleaning bedrooms, washing, and ironing their clothes, and making their meals whilst in their care. If you decide a nanny (or manny) is for you, make sure you and your children get best you can.

Despite these challenges, researchers have uncovered convincing links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. During the early 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children (Baumrind, 1967). Using naturalistic observation, parental interviews and other research methods, she identified four important dimensions of parenting:

• Disciplinary strategies
• Warmth and nurturance
• Communication styles
• Expectations of maturity and control

Based on these dimensions, Baumrind suggested that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles. Further research by also suggested the addition of a fourth parenting style (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). These are:

Authoritarian Parenting
In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.” These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (1991).

Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (1991).

Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (1991). Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.

Uninvolved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

The Results of The 4 Parenting Styles

The question then becomes “what effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes?”. In addition to Baumrind’s initial study of 100 preschool children, researchers have conducted numerous other studies than have led to a number of conclusions about the impact of parenting styles on children.

Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).

Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

Conclusion

After learning about the impact of parenting styles on child development, you will probably have a new appreciation for authoritative parenting techniques and may wonder why all parents simply don’t utilize an authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children. What are some reasons why parenting styles might vary? Some potential causes of these differences include culture, personality, family size, parental background, socioeconomic status, educational level and religion.

Of course, the parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each and every family. For example, the mother may display an authoritative style while the father favors a more permissive approach. In order to create a cohesive approach to parenting, it is essential that parents learn to cooperate as they combine various elements of their unique parenting styles.

To help readdress this imbalance, over the next coming months these pages will be dedicated to providing a “Parenting 101” if you will. The advice will be collected from worldwide experts on the topic of parenting and presented in an easy to navigate list that you can dip into as you wish.

I’ve heard a number of parents say “my child never came with a manual” or “things may have been different if someone had taught me how to raise my kids” and this is my attempt to help them out. The challenge with this kind of assignment is that experts differ on certain teachings. Some may say “ease up” whilst others would say “crack down”. To tackle this, where possible and where relevant I will give the source of the advice and also the counter-advice is such exists. Then you can make up your mind.

My partner says that when she first heard all of the conflicting advice about how to parent her first child she was confused and a little dazed! Until, that is, another parent told her that the best thing she could do was listen to all the ideas and then do what she felt was right for her. That’s great advice. As a parent, your duty is be as informed as possible and then decide what the best course of action is for your particular situation.

We’ll do the research and you can then decide what works best for you. Good luck… and remember you’re not alone!

Lesson One: The Four Styles of Parenting

According to many parenting coaches, there are 4 styles of parenting and most parents inadvertantly utilize at least one of these. Effective parenting only happens when one particular style is implemented, but utilizing the others in moderation can also be effective. Read about them here.

But wait… the kids have 6 weeks, yep SIX WEEKS, off school! How quickly the anticipation of the fun of summer is lost in the pressured rush of figuring out child care, camps, and whether or not a vacation is financially possible this year. But it’s important to think, for a moment, about what opportunities summer does bring, so let’s focus on the positive for the time being…

There are chances to play more fully.

As one child psychologist, Patty Wipfler, once said “… for children, the chance to play all day, every day is a wonderful thing”. In our household, the need for a protracted period of time with no pressure of school is abundantly clear! Our little one looks like she is in dire need of some free time, where she has nothing to perform for, except by her own choosing.

Personally I’m looking forward to those water fights in the garden, playing hide and seek, building cubbies and staying at the park or the beach until it’s dark (or too cold to stay in the water!). As far as I’m concerned, these are the things I look forward to; the kinds of play that don’t require electricity, or expensive purchases and that just need a bit of imagination and playful attitude to make a success.

There are chances to learn in unusual ways.

When you have a toddler nearly ready to use the toilet, you can allow him or her to roam the back yard naked, learning to master bodily functions in a place where there can be no “accident.” If your child is afraid of the dark, you can set up a tent in the garden and sleep outside, to see what it’s like to spend the night under the light of the moon. And what better time than these Summer holidays to address fears of the water. Summer means that fresh new things can happen, usual boundaries can flex, and parents can relax a bit more around play that one wouldn’t allow when life has to be more structured.

What happens when you run out of ideas?

OK, some summer days can lose their sparkle. There are always going to be occasions when you aren’t feeling as enthused as usual or when your child feels listless, and says they are bored. You’ll notice that there actually are things they could do, and people they could play with, but they are missing that sense of adventure that can turn a simple piece of paper and a scissors into an experiment with hat making, or airplane crafting, or cut out design. The feeling inside of them is actually the problem, not any lack of things to do.

So rather than become irritated that they don’t appreciate all the things they have, or all the time you’ve spent trying to make them happy, move in close. Lie down with them, or next to them. Don’t try to solve the problem of what to do, but instead be happy that you can just stay at home and enjoy each other’s company for a while. If you want, after just being with them for a while, you can begin suggesting things that you could do. Any idea (silly or serious) will do. You’re not trying to solve the problem of what to do. You’re trying to get a bit of laughter going, and then a bit more, and then even more. Your silly ideas, and the release of laughter, will hopefully jump-start your minds and soon you’ll stumble across an idea that sticks. And if you still can’t think of anything, have a look at our fun stuff archives… there’s lot of neat ideas in there!

Staying on good terms.

If you (like me) are a parent that also holds down a job, then you have to remember that these few weeks off work are cramming in a lot of home and family time. Such intensity is unusual and takes getting used to. It’s therefore quite normal for you and the kids to become irate with each other at times. Don’t let that concern you. Your aim is to not let the pressure of the situation be reflected in your actions. Even if you are feeling hot and bothered, smile nicely and put your frustrations to the side. Remember that you can take a “time out” if you have to.

If it’s your child that’s acting up, let them. A good cry is the way many children clear their minds of emotional sludge, and regain their enthusiasm for life. Stay with them, listen to what a dumb day they are having, and don’t get offended if they tell you how stupid you are for whatever reason! To really get the awful feelings out, they need a safe person to serve as their target… and hopefully that’s you! Don’t worry, I promise that this is not their full and final evaluation of your parenting! It’s not. It’s just what they need to do to get the tears going strong, so they can come back to you and feel their love for you again when they have finished.

Vacations provide the chance to get connected.

The Summer holiday for us means vacation time. Whilst we can’t take annual leave for the full 6 weeks holiday period, we religiously try and get several weeks off when we can have prolonged contact with our daughter. Be aware though that this prolonged contact can sometimes result in a few insecurities coming to the fore. For example, when the family comes together and spends extended time with each other, a child’s limbic system, the seat of his or her emotions, gets the signal that life is better than usual. Feelings that don’t correspond to the closeness, the ease, or the sense of relaxation pop up, ready to be released. Those feelings, which can be held in storage for days or months or years, don’t necessarily match the present circumstances, so don’t be put out. If you’re not ready for your children’s emotional cleansing sessions, you’ll be irritated for sure. But just remember that your child’s upsets are the beginning of a summer growth spurt, and are a healthy sign that they love you and trust you to care.

So now that you know what to expect in terms of Summer behaviour, your task is to have a stash of fun activities that you and your kids can engage in over the vacation. If you are short of ideas, check out our suggestions of free fun things to do or our ideas of 15 activities for under a dollar.

Have fun!

Sibling rivalry is a real, powerful emotion that cannot be wished away. It’s a part of growing up with brothers and sisters. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. For the sake of a comparison, imagine that your partner comes home one day with another lover. Your partner explains that (s)he still loves you, but this new person is going to live with you all now as well. And to make things worse, the new person is needier than you are so they are going to take up a lot of your partner’s time, sorry!

Birth Order

Apparently, when my younger brother was born, I would try to talk passers-by into taking him with them. I’m told that I berated the midwife for leaving her baby with my family! I was the eldest (of what became a very large family) and rivalry is often more intense in the firstborn, because he or she has been used to the spotlight without competition. A later child comes into the world already learning to share their parent’s time and attention. This doesn’t mean that subsequent children don’t have feelings of jealousy towards other siblings, because they can and do. It really depends on how the parents handle the situation.

Age Matters

No matter what the age of the child, jealousy and competition (the two major causes of sibling rivalry) will inevitably be emotions that they have to contend with. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how hard parents try to be fair to their children, every child will feel, at one point or another, feelings of jealousy toward their sibling or siblings. Generally speaking, though, experts believe jealousy of a newborn is strongest in children under five years. That’s because up until the age of 5, a kid is much more dependent on his parents and has fewer interests outside the family circle. Once the child hits 6, they have begun to build a position for themselves among circles outside of the family (such as with friends and at school). Therefore, being pushed out of the limelight at this stage doesn’t “hurt” so much.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Exist?

It really comes down to the child(ren) seeking the attention of the parents. With me and my siblings, if mum gave more attention (what we, as kids, thought was “love”) to one of the other brothers or sisters then this would cause severe feelings of jealousy and we would inevitably end up competing for that attention (“love”). What my mum was especially good at was making sure that we all felt loved and attended to in equal measures, but I’ve seen many households where the same sort of equality didn’t exist between kids and that turned into a recipe for disaster.

Solving the Sibling Rivalry Conundrum

Though jealousy can’t be completely prevented, what my mum did so well was to instill a sense of fairness and parity amongst the siblings. We were taught to convert those negative feelings into ones of cooperativeness and altruism. In doing so, mum also taught us a valuable lesson about fearing rivals later in life (ie, instead of fearing, try to understand).

At the end of the day, siblings will feel competition and jealousy. That’s only normal. What is more important is how the child learns to resolve those feelings. For our family, the answer lay in communicating to each other. First of all, we had to explain what we wanted from each other. Then we were taught to listen and put ourselves into the other’s shoes. Looking at things from another perspective and learning to work cooperatively towards a solution were valuable lessons that we all learnt early in our lives.

And last, but not least, from as early as I can remember, we had to kiss and cuddle each other regularly; upon waking, upon coming home from school, before going to bed… and especially after fighting! It may have seemed strange at first (I really don’t remember) but it quickly became second nature and we all ended up very close and full of love for each other. (Though it did cause some murmurs of disapproval when our school peers witnessed our fights ending up with us hugging and “pashing” each other!)

The Positive Side Of Sibling Rivalry

Coming from the context of my family, there were good things that came out of our sibling rivalry. My parents managed to help the kids transform resentful feelings into cooperation and understanding. We learnt to put aside fear of the unknown and we learnt how to deal with stress. Learning to cope with the challenges of sibling rivalry taught us valuable life lessons such as sharing and conflict resolution… and we are quite comfortable expressing our feelings and emotions with one another.

So the lesson is: with patience and understanding, parents can help children that are struggling with sibling rivalry and jealousy. Figuring out a solution can be challenging, but with good communication, a willingness to listen, and an abundance of love and support in the family home, most rivalries can be transformed into enduring, worthwhile sibling bonds. They don’t say “blood is thicker than water” for nothing!