For many of us, friends and families live some distance away. So how do you feel when it’s time to pack up the car, pack up the kids, and head on to the road? If, like me, you start to think about the long car journey crawling down the motorway, listening to the squawks and whines in the back of the car, then the information below will help keep you sane when it comes to those long car journeys.

Road Trip For Kids – Before You Leave

Time your journey as smartly as possible

We all know when the roads are busiest, so see if you can be creative about the time you leave and travel. It will be well worthwhile leaving earlier or later than usual – the roads will be quieter, and if the children are usually asleep at this time, it may well be quieter in the car too! If the children are small, wrap them up in their pajamas (maybe give them a hot water bottles) and have a blanket handy. Alternatively, give them a good run around before the start of the journey to expend some energy.

Plan some stops

Regular stops are not just good for the children; they’re good for you too. Check out on the map or route planner where you can pull off the road every couple of hours and have a run around, and revive yourselves for the next stage.

Pack some emergency supplies

Include baby wipes, plastic bags, emergency snacks, water bottles, a travel potty may also be helpful! It may be worth taking a spare set of clothes, depending on whether it matters what you look like when you get there!

Children Car Games – In The Car

Allocate time to various activities

Apportion a set time for different activities – for example, during a 2-hour journey you could have ½ hour for looking out of the window and chatting, ½ hour of games, ½ hour for a packed lunch and ½ hour of stories on the disc player or ipod.

Get as comfortable as possible

Take a pillow or folded up blankets to put under knees or behind necks.

Divide and conquer

Keep as much space as possible between siblings in the back – the closer they are, the feistier they can get. Try a physical boundary like a bag or pillow, or the picnic box between them. Consider rotating children around so everyone gets a turn behind Mummy and Daddy or by the window or in the back row.

Kids Car Games – Car Games For Kids

A recent survey showed that, despite all the modern technology that’s available, most families still also play the traditional games in the car, from I-Spy to naming the capital cities or major landmarks. Here are a few of our favourites:

• Yes and No – everyone take turns to ask any questions of one person, but they can’t reply with yes or no or they are out! (For example “Are you sitting next to Rosie?”)
• Granny’s Knickers – everyone asks one person a question to which they have to respond with the answer “Granny’s Knickers” regardless of the question, without giggling! (For example “What’s your favourite ice-cream flavour?”)
• Alphabet Spotting – take turns to name something you can see from the car beginning with a, b, c, d etc.
• Make A Story – take it in turns to construct a sentence each to make up a nonsense story.
• Chocolate or cheese – each person takes turns to ask the question “If you had to choose between the following, which one would you choose?” For example, chocolate or cheese, or perhaps being able to fly or become invisible!
• The 1 Minute Game – choose any topic and talk about it for one minute.
• My Granny Went To Market – one person starts with “My Granny went to market and she bought a…..” and then you take it in turns to remember the whole shopping list! Be as silly as you like…
• Car Snooker – first spot a red car for one point, then either a yellow, green, brown, blue, pink or black then back to another red car and repeat until all the colours have to spotted in order! (The pink ones will take some time!)
• Word Linking – think of a theme, fairly broad, like animals or food, and whoever starts chooses an example, say cat, and the next person has to think of another example starting with the last letter of the one before, in this case t. Have a plan for words ending in y in particular!
• Backseat Bingo – prepare some grids on pieces of paper before you set off,  and fill in with words or pictures of the things you expect to see out of the window – blue car, lorry, bridge, telephone box, zebra crossing, sheep, police car etc. Everyone ticks them off as they see them and when they have a full sheet they call out “Bingo!”
• Landmark Spotting – similar to Bingo, prepare a simple map of the route and mark out the major sites or towns which can be ticked off on the way.
• Who Am I – one person imagines a character from a favourite story or show, or history, and the others have to ask questions to guess who it is – are you a boy, are you a girl, have you got 4 legs, do you use a wand, are you an alien, are you a baddie etc.
• Sponsored silence –seems so obvious now you think about it!

Travel For Kids – When You Get There

Just when you thought it was all over……. Do remember that the children will probably fall out of the car when you arrive, either full of energy, sugar and thoroughly over-excited, or groggy, car-sick and nervous. Either way, plan for some transitional activity – whether that’s running up and down stairs or forming a fireman’s chain to deliver bags, or sitting quietly in the corner reading a book.

Overall, it’s safety first. We can NOT simply expect our children to understand what it is like to drive a car, let alone drive with fighting and arguing going on in the back. However, we can explain it to them beforehand – not angrily or resentfully, but gently and respectfully. We tell them that we have to look in mirrors, make signals, use pedals, judge speeds, guess distances, anticipate other people – as well as steer the car. And we can explain they need to keep the noise to a reasonable level – some parents use a “noise meter” where Levels 1-2 are fine, 3 is the absolute maximum and 4-5 is danger zone.  Practice it beforehand!

Once in the car, while they are at Level 1-2, make sure you notice and say something! “Thanks guys, you’ve got the noise level just right – I can concentrate and keep us safe, and you can hear each other too!”. Then if it gets noisier, rather than suddenly shouting to them from the front, just refer to the “noise meter” along the lines of “Uh oh, we’ve reached Level 3, so just be careful”.

Ultimately, if the noise does reach a point that you can’t drive safely, don’t drive. Pull over. Explain that it’s too noisy for you to drive right now, so you need to stop. Rather than haul them out and tell them off, get out yourself, take some deep breaths and count slowly to whatever it takes. When you get back into the car, perhaps you can start with a “sponsored silence” game for a while!

If you had any doubts about the importance of exercise in child development, get rid of them now. Every piece of research points to a correlation between increased fitness and improved cognition in kids who exercise regularly. That’s not to say that a child who doesn’t exercise can’t be smart (of course they can), but it is to say they would be even smatter if they included exercise into the weekly (and better still, daily) routine.

So now that we can say with certainty that kids need exercise, we should also point out that most kids aren’t getting enough! In fact less than one-third of kids in western world aged 6 to 17 get at least 20 minutes of daily exercise in one form or another. When the recommended daily amount is 1 hour, these figures are tragic.

Kids Exercise – Benefits:

There are a multitude of short- and long-term health benefits your child can gain from a regular exercise regimen, including:

1. Improved brainpower, higher IQ, and improved thinking
2. Reduced risk of diabetes and pre-diabetes
3. Improved immune system function
4. Improved sleep
5. Improved mood
6. Stronger bones
7. Weight loss
8. Increased energy levels

Teen Exercise – The Importance of Strength Training

Even the most recent meta-analysis, published in the journal Pediatrics, suggests that even strength training should form part of a training regime for children. This can include either free weights or resistance-training machines one to five times a week, for about 40 minutes per session. This is particularly encouraged in teens, who experience higher levels of improvement, compared to kids under the age of 10. Those who trained a few times a week also saw more improvement than those who limited their strength training to once a week. The most effective strength training exercises included isotonic contraction-type exercises, such as:

• Bicep curls
• Squats
• Bench presses

Recommendations from the National Strength and Conditioning Association (NSCA) suggest that children aged 6 and older should incorporate strength training two to three times a week into the exercise. Obviously this kind of training needs to be supervised by a qualified adult and should be designed to be age-appropriate, but if done properly the results can include:

• enhanced muscular strength and power
• improved cardiovascular risk profile
• improved motor skills
• Increased bone density
• Decreased body fat
• increased resistance to sports-related injuries
• improved psychosocial well-being

Many commentators may consider strength training to be too risk for growing children (suggesting that injuries are all too common), but recent evidence runs contrary to this belief. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=Pediatrics%5BJour%5D+AND+2010%5Bpdat%5D+AND+Behringer%5Bauthor%5D&cmd=detailssearch

In fact, kids do not run any greater risk of being injured from strength training than they do from any other sport or physical activity and the benefits of strength training during youth and adolescence have far-reaching health benefits.

Exercise For Kids = Exercise For Adults

Not surprisingly, a good exercise regime (incorporating strength training) is recommended for all ages, including seniors. The intensity of resistance training in general achieves a number of important benefits on the molecular, enzymatic, hormonal, and chemical level in your body. In some cases this can prolong fitness and youthfulness well into late adult years.

Child Exercise Plan – The Sprint 8 System

Sprint 8 a fitness program produced by Peak Fitness Pty. It is a high-intensity, short burst-type exercise, which is why it is perhaps the most natural of all exercises for children. In fact, when left to their own devices, children will do this naturally – going all out for short bursts of time, followed by longer “recovery” periods. You also see animals doing the same thing.

The research is very clear about the superior benefits of this type of exercise (so much so that the American Heart Association and the American College of Sports Medicine have now changed their exercise cardio guidelines to reflect this type of high-intensity interval training).

Kids Exercise Instructions

During Sprint 8 exercises you raise your heart rate up to your anaerobic threshold (220 minus your age) for 20 to 30 seconds, followed by a 90-second recovery period. Therefore, depending on your child’s current level of fitness, he or she may need to work his or her way up to 8 cycles. It is probably recommended that you start with only 2-4 cycles in the beginning and gradually increase this to 8 as you see you (and your child’s) fitness improve.

Here are the principles:

1. Warm up for three minutes
2. Then, go all out, as hard as you can for 30 seconds
3. Recover for 90 seconds
4. Repeat 7 more times, for a total of 8 repetitions
5. Cool down for a few minutes afterwards by cutting down your intensity by 50-80%.

Be mindful of current fitness levels and don’t overdo things when first starting out. Depending on the fitness level of your children (and yourself) you may need to start with just walking and when you do your 30 second bursts your legs would be moving as fast as possible without running – and your arms would be pumping hard and fast.

The Best Way For Kids To Exercise

First of all, please remember that you can perform this with “Sprint 8” Technique with any type of exercise. If you have access to a gym specific exercise equipment then your options will be better, but you can easily perform Sprint 8 on flat ground (by running, example) or on a bike.

Whatever your choice of exercise, the aim is to exercise so vigorously that you reach your anaerobic threshold (because that’s where the magic happens). So whatever activity you choose, by the end of your 30 second period you will want to reach these markers:

• It will be hard to breathe and talk because you are in oxygen deficit.
• You will be typically gasping for breath after a short burst of activity.
• You will start to sweat profusely (this will typically start in the 2^nd or 3^rd repetition).
• Your body temperature will rise dramatically (you will feel hot).
• Lactic acid increases and you will feel a muscle “burn”.

You don’t need to reach any “magical” speed because it’s highly individual, based on your current level of fitness. If you push yourself to your limit, you will know you’re doing it right!

Kids Exercise – The Right Way To Do It

Ideally you want to have a variety of exercises and avoid doing the same ones all the time, as the body becomes accustomed to an exercise the more you do it (it’s clever like that!) and the therefore the stresses of completing that exercise diminish as your body adapts. To really get the most from your exercise regime, you need to continuously adapt, improve, and grow stronger. There are four types of exercise that you (and your kids) you incorporate into your regime.

Aerobic

Jogging, running, cycling (even walking fast) are all examples of aerobic exercise, which will increase the amount of oxygen in your blood and increase endorphins, which act as natural painkillers. Aerobic exercise also activates your immune system, helps your heart pump blood more efficiently, and increases your stamina over time.

Strength Training

Rounding out an exercise program with strength training will ensure that children are optimizing the health benefits of exercising. Strength training usually needs 4-10 repetitions and then the muscle being used should be exhausted. Do the repetitions 3 times with a 30 second break in between. Remember NOT to exercise the same muscle groups every day. Muscles usually need at least two days of rest to recover, repair and rebuild.

Core Exercises

The body’s “core” (consisting of 29 muscles located through the abdomen, back and pelvis) provides the foundation for movement throughout the entire body. Naturally, any strengthening to this area offers protection and support to your whole body. With a strong core, children and adults are less prone to injury; they have greater balance and improved stability. Pilates and yoga are great for strengthening your core muscles.

Stretching

Every exercise regime should include stretching. Keeping the muscles supply and flexible is crucial in overall health and fitness. I would recommend spending 15-30 minutes at the end of your routine stretching.

Overall, this type of exercise regime will allow your child (and you!) to achieve fitness goals much faster. In addition, you’ll save a tremendous amount of time because this type of “interval” training will cut an hour-long cardio workout down to a total of 20 minutes or so, including your recovery time, warm-up and cool down (which allows you at least 15 minutes to stretch and your still better off).

Time To Get Children Exercising

There’s absolutely no doubt that kids need exercise, and that most kids aren’t getting enough. First, it’s imperative to limit the amount of time your child spends watching TV, or playing computer and video games, and to replace some of these sedentary activities with exercise. For example, you can encourage him or her to take part in physically engaging activities after school and on the weekends; there are always opportunities to exercise (you just need to look). Things like team sports, dance classes, gymnastics, bike riding or just playing tag with friends are all good ideas.

The beauty of the Sprint 8 interval training allows your child to choose activities that appeal to them, and which are age appropriate. Remember that the trick to getting kids interested in exercise at a young age is to keep it fun. Also keep in mind that spontaneous bouts of exercise throughout the day are actually the ideal way of doing it. With this system your child does not need to do 60 minutes in the gym or in a specific exercise class (unless they want to!) because the short interval training means that the whole regime is complete in about 20 minutes!

Other Recommendations For Improved Child Health

In addition to encouraging your kids to get moving, you can also dramatically improve their health by following some simple, time-honoured rule:

• Make sure they get a good night’s sleep
• Make sure they drink plenty of water
• Make sure they eat healthy (think vegetables and high quality protein)
• Make sure they have sufficient minerals and vitamins
• Help them avoid saturated fats and sugar, especially fructose

Parenting Advice For Raising Well Balanced Children

UNICEF has previously written about the correlation between raising children to be well balanced and healthy and the role of consumer products in their lives; saying “most children agreed that family time was more important to them than consumer goods; yet we observe within some homes a compulsion on the part of some parents to continually buy new things for their children… Most parents realized that what they were doing was often ‘pointless’, but seemed somehow pressurized and compelled to continue”.

As loving parents we, of course, want to do our best for our children. Raising children, however, in such a materialistic world, often means we bang heads with the maxim of the 21st century: I am entitled to everything, and I’m entitled to it now!

Seriously, though, it is a difficult juggling act raising children to be generous, kind, well balanced, and with a good internal moral compass in an age where instant gratification has become the norm, and status is defined by what we own. What is the best thing for us to do for our children? We want them to have the best we can give, we want to show show them how much we love them, and, at the same time, we want them to be appreciative of what they have and learn to value their possessions. Undoubtedly it’s a balancing act that has seen many parents trip up.

And we should be concerned about falling into the trap of over-indulging our children, for fear that they will grow up to be overly acquisitive and never satisfied, unable to appreciate the true cost of things or differentiate between their needs and their wants.

So with that in mind, you may ask how we instill in our children the values we want and we believe will equip them best for the future, and yet not always have to be saying no, no, no….?

Help For Parents

The most immediate way of addressing this over-materialism is to protect them from the constant advertising which tells them that their value is tied up in what they own and that they need to acquire certain goods in order to fit in. Parents must take a proactive part in limiting their children’s’ exposure to TV adverts and when they are old enough parents should discuss the role of advertising and the manipulation involved. Most kids like the idea of not being conned by the conglomerates so giving them the ability to understand how those adverts work can be extremely enlightening.

The next best way to protect your child is to establish a strong set of values. And, of course, the best example of good values is to mirror them in yourself. So ask yourself “why do I buy things for my children?” It may be an uncomfortable question to answer honestly, because often the answer isn’t particularly encouraging! “Everyone else is and I don’t want them to feel left out?” just isn’t good enough. The UNICEF report suggests that there are high levels of social insecurity in the UK which is compensated for by buying status brands. The UNICEF report also suggests that parents are buying unnecessary things for their children as a compensation for the guilt we feel for not spending enough time with our children. That’s not a good sign.

There are many reasons we may shower unnecessary products and services on our children:

• Because we want them to enjoy what we never had.
• Because we don’t want them to feel left out.
• Because we want to protect them from bullying.
• Because we can’t bear to see them unhappy.
• Because they pester so much that we can’t bear it and don’t know how to avoid giving in.

These are not good enough reasons to turn our children into materialistic consumer slaves. By having clear values that are explained and communicated to our children we can espouse a better way of living. So instead of just buying things, go through a three step-process:

Raising Kids – A 3 Step Plan For Avoiding Materialistic Nightmares

STEP 1: Involve your child
Children learn by copying, so we can start involving them in purchasing decisions, showing them the link between earning and spending. For example, you could say things like:

• “I’m not sure whether we need this now, perhaps it would be better to wait till next month.”
• “I really like those ipads. I’m going to put a bit of money aside each week until I’ve saved enough to buy one.”
• “These Nike trainers are really cool but they’re so expensive – if we buy these other trainers we will have some money left over and then we can do…”

By setting up a system that helps children understand the meaning of earning a privilege we are teaching them an important life lesson. Many kids think of privileges as a right, simply because they are alive. It is far better for a child to learn to appreciate things they have earned for themselves, for good behaviour, more than things they are just given.

STEP 2: Managing expectations up-front
Before setting out for a shopping expedition, wouldn’t it be useful if your child’s expectations were in line with yours?! By taking a few simple steps at the beginning you can avoid so much stress later on. For example, you can start with an explanation about what they need, what should be spent, and have them commit to some parameters.

• “Before we spend money, it’s important that we understand the value and how much we feel we can spend on things. It’s important to appreciate the good things you have and remember how lucky we are”.

Then we ask them questions – what will happen in the shop, what amount will be spent, on what items, why, what behaviour is expected, and how might the child feel….They need to do the talking if they are to be committed to what needs to happen. It is important to empathise that the child may feel really tempted, disappointed or frustrated at the change in policy, aware that other children may have the things they covet. It’s really important we don’t make our children wrong for being tempted by the appealing things on the shelves. After all a lot of thought and money is spent by companies seeking to entice them, but by teaching them, we are investing in their future and the ability to make better decisions later in life.

STEP 3: Stay consistent
However well the last two steps went, a child may be unable to resist and revert to the old pestering ways. When this happens, just keep calm! Children feel things very intensely in the moment but these feelings pass. It is a parent’s job to raise well-balanced children rather than keeping them happy in the moment!

A good technique to disperse anger, frustration, and negative emotions is to empathise. Imagine how they are feeling and reflect it back to them in words. This might sound something like: “I understand how you wish you could buy that toy car. It makes sense that you really like it because it’s new, shiny, and so cool. I’m sorry that you’re really sad that Mummy and Daddy said we can’t buy anything today. Maybe you think I’m mean, but I’m so proud of you for only making a little fuss about this. Because I know you’re really disappointed and iIt’s hard not to be able to have something you really want.”

Although this may not result in an immediate improvement in behaviour, it does show the child that they are understood and their feelings are accepted, even though their behaviour needs to be re-directed. If the negative behaviour continues try using a distraction technique. A simple one to use is to accept what they want and imagine what it would be like if they could have it. It’s an interesting distraction and can help make light of a potentially heavy moment, without making the child or his feelings seem silly. This might sound like: “I bet you would like to have every single piece of lego in the whole world – gosh, I wonder how big a box we would need to hold it all? I don’t think we would be able to lift it up!”

Parent Support – Think Of The Long Term

Overall, it pays to take time to prepare and train ourselves and our children how best to cope with life in today’s modern world. Keep in mind the words of Dr. Phil McGraw, a psychologist and author, when he said:

“Your child does not have to love you every minute of every day. He’ll get over the disappointment of having been told “no.” But he won’t get over the effects of being spoiled.”

There’s one thing that most parents agree on; Mornings can be really tough! Apparently one of the most common causes of parental stress is what we call ‘morning mayhem’.  Parents have often written in to tell us how awful their  mornings are and what we recommend. It’s all too common to become undone in the mornings; people are still tired, tempers are easily frayed, there’s seems so much to do… and we have the prospect of a full day of work ahead of us! No wonder it can be a bit fractious. We hear stories about parents screaming at their children, nagging and making wild threats.  In many cases, by the time they have done the school drop-off  they regularly feel guilty and the children are often upset or withdrawn.

It is not a good scene! But don’t fear. Simply by putting a bit of time, thought and effort into making changes and by applying the methods below you can find that your mornings will be transformed. You can turn parenting chaos into discipline and order with these simple rules:

Understanding the basics of child development is essential to good parenting practice. This is a big subject (various aspects of which have been covered on PracticingParents.com by a number of qualified contributors). Here we have decided to put together the most salient points in a helpful guide.

Understanding your baby’s communication

Bringing home the new baby can be exciting and frightening for both the baby and the parents. The main task of caring for a new baby is to make sure the baby’s needs are met. The needs of new babies are very basic: babies get hungry, tired and uncomfortable. Some things that feel uncomfortable to a baby include:

• being too hot or too cold
• needing their nappy changed
• have a pain (earache, stomach ache), for older babies this can include toothache
• being frightened, lonely or bored
• not being well (perhaps a high temperature)

Babies have a range of ways to gain their parent’s attention and communicate their needs. Parents learn, over time, what these signals are and how to respond. At the beginning, though, it is easy not to recognise the signals or misinterpret them. It takes a while for the babies’ signals to be decoded and understood. 

Why babies cry

The main signal a baby uses to get attention is to cry. A parent will soon learn to recognise that the baby uses different cries for different needs. Babies only cry when they need something.

Babies don’t cry to “annoy” or “get at” their parents. Babies can only feel, they cannot think, anticipate or manipulate. They don’t know how their crying affects others, they only know they need something and this is the only way they have to let someone know what they need. A baby cries to survive so a parent must respond to these signals. As you learn more about your baby you realise that babies communicate through many other ways as well. Watching a baby’s face can reveal many different ways they communicate. Parents learn to read these and anticipate their needs before the baby needs to cry. Babies’ faces are very expressive, they are adept at creating “worry” lines above their nose, which in some babies can be the first indication of a nappy soon needing to be changed. Babies’ mouths are also very expressive and babies will contort their lips and use their tongue to communicate. As well as their faces, babies also use their hands, especially their fists, to indicate they need something. Parents learn to recognise the clenching of fists as a signal perhaps of discomfort, or impending hunger. Babies also use their whole bodies to alert parents to their needs, often arching their backs and kicking their legs. 

Communicating with your baby

As well as babies communicating to us we also need to communicate to them. Research has alerted parents to the importance of talking, laughing and reading to babies. Parents often find that talking and reading to a baby feels a bit silly when they baby does not respond by speaking. However a baby does respond and just as parents learn the signals to understand what the baby needs, the baby also gives response signals in their attempts to communicate. Babies who are being talked or read to will often hold the gaze of the person, may chortle, or make other sounds and may be communicating back by moving hands (not a clenched fist) but looser fingers and may reach for and play with their feet. Babies enjoy being stimulated with interesting things to look at and again will communicate their pleasure through their facial and body language. This exchange of communication signals between the parent and the baby is the beginning of a caring, loving relationship that the baby and parent can both enjoy. Touch is an important communication signal between the parent and the baby. Parents may learn how to massage their baby and learn from the baby’s expressions and body language what they like and don’t like. Caring, loving touch such as cuddles and hugs as well as the many different ways of holding a baby, especially to comfort, is also an important way of communicating and enhancing a loving relationship between baby and parent.

The early years: Why the first few years of your child’s life are so important

Between birth and three years of age your child grows and develops faster than at any other stage in their lives. The way your child’s brain develops in these early years is critical. In the first three years of your child’s life, the brain has done a great deal of its growing and has established important pathways for future development. Everything we do, say, think and feel is experienced and made sense of through our brain. Our brain allows us to love and to laugh, cry and then feel better, be confused and then understand.

The developing brain

At birth your baby has about 100 billion nerve cells, yet the brain is not fully developed. In the first few years of life these cells develop vital connections in the brain that influence your child’s emotional, social and intellectual make-up. The brain is affected by influences from your child’s environment in these early years. The brain uses our sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin) to tell us what is going on in the world. Everything we experience is filtered through our senses. Our senses send signals to our brain that can alter how our brain understands and responds to experiences and information.

The important role of parents in the early years

Researchers have found that the relationship between a parent and child in the early years affects the child’s brain development in many ways. When children are provided with loving and caring experiences in these early years, the connections in the brain for feeling good and learning are strengthened. Babies and young children need lots of nurturing, touching and stimulation to enable them to learn and grow in the best possible way. Early positive relationships with parents promote curiosity, self esteem and confidence in developing children. These relationships will assist children to better cope with life’s challenges.

During the early years spend time:

• Holding and cuddling your child
• Talking to and smiling with your child
• Recognising and responding to your child’s signals
• Providing your child with new experiences and opportunities
• Make sure that your children feel safe and secure

The necessity of play in child development

Play is one of the most important needs children have. At the heart of play is fun. It is through play that children do much of their learning. For example:

• Running, kicking and throwing balls helps children develop balance and co ordination.
• Singing and rhyming games help with language development.
• Puzzles and problem solving games help children’s intellectual development.
• Turn-taking and sharing in play help develop important relationship skills and self-control.

Play is also an important way that children can express and work through their feelings. Through watching and joining in children’s play, you can gain insight into how your child is feeling and thinking. 

Parents play a crucial role in children’s play

Joining in play builds positive relationships between you and your children in a climate of fun. Playing with your children promotes opportunities for you to support them as they experiment with new skills. The most positive reinforcement for children comes from the approval and praise of a parent. The most important play for young children is play with parents – make sure you make some time for play every day.

Playing with children

Playing activities should be at the right level for your child. Too easy and your child may get bored. Too hard and your child may get frustrated. Remember these quick tips:

• Let your child lead the play. Don’t take over.
• Make sure the play is safe.
• Ask your children what they would like you to do as part of the play.
• Allow enough time for play.
• Don’t compete with young children. This can discourage them from wanting to play.
• Be patient if your child wants to repeat the same play over and over. New skills require lots of practice! Stay enthusiastic. Appreciate and encourage their efforts, no matter what the outcome.
• Look for opportunities to engage in play at any time. For example, join your child in making up rhymes or songs about normal daily activities like making the bed.
• Most of all have fun and laugh with your children.

Brain development and the effect of parenting

The human brain takes time to develop. By birth, the brain has developed the main functions necessary to life – breathing, keeping your heartbeat steady, sucking, sleeping. The rest of the brain takes years to develop. Knowing more about your child’s developing brain is a good way to understand how children think, feel and behave. Young children have limited ability to think and be reasoned with – they can’t link their feelings, thoughts and behaviour in their early years. The sections of the brain responsible for these areas are not ‘switched on’ in early childhood. Understanding how children’s brains develop gives us insight into the questions parents often ask….WHY? Why do they do that? Why don’t they listen? Why do I have to say the same thing over and over?

The developing brain

Genes and environment interact at every step of brain development but play very different roles. Genes are largely responsible for the ‘basic wiring plan’ of the brain. Experience is responsible for fine tuning and strengthening connections within the brain. Our brains are continually changing in response to our lived experience. Children’s brains are more impressionable or ‘plastic’ in the early years. However, the brain remains plastic throughout life, shaping and reshaping, as we continue to adapt to new experiences and learning. The brain is made up of many parts or regions that all do different things. Neurons are the ‘wires’ that connect the different areas of the brain. The number of connections and how they are organised influences how we make sense of our experiences, understand relationships, remember things and learn. Different parts of the brain develop at different ages and in a set order. Thus different kinds of experiences are important at different ages to strengthen each part of the brain.

The parent is the most active sculptor of your child’s growing brain

Young brains are very sensitive to experience. Early experiences and environments have a very strong influence on the development of children’s brains. This is why families help shape the biological structure of children’s brains. Supportive, caring and consistent relationships between children and their parents are the key to healthy brain development.

Fostering healthy brain development

Touching, holding, comforting, rocking, singing and talking to young children provides the necessary stimulation for their growing brains.  It is also important to talk and read to your child from infancy. Provide lots of opportunities for repetition and practice as your child acquires new skills as this helps to strengthen connections in the brain. And don’t forget the importance of play. Also encourage children to do physical activities, like tumbling, riding a bike, playing with a ball, jumping and running. Support children to be hopeful and optimistic. Establish consistent routines. Encourage and praise your child as they experiment with new experiences. Be realistic about what children can do at different ages. Don’t set them up to fail. Help your child to take small steps and experience success. Don’t criticise a child for failing, praise their efforts. Prepare young children for change and allow children to engage in new experiences at their pace, not yours.

Emotional development

When we talk about emotional development, we are referring to children’s growing ability to: 

• Identify and understand their own feelings
• Accurately read and understand the feelings of others
• Manage the way they feel
• Shape the way they behave
• Develop empathy for others
• Build and keep good relationships with friends, family and others.

From the time they are born, children quickly develop their abilities to experience and express different emotions, as well as their capacity to cope with and manage a variety of feelings.

Managing feelings

Children’s ability to manage or shape the way they feel is a critical part of their development and often the source of much parental concern. Children don’t start life with the ability to control how they are feeling. They are easily overwhelmed by strong feelings and cannot calm themselves down. Babies and young children need parents to help them to do this.  Young children frequently get frustrated because there is a large gap between the things they want to do and what they are actually able to do. This often results in a temper tantrum. Feelings and behaviour are closely linked. When feelings are not well managed, children’s ability to think can be impaired. As a result, children act on their feelings often without thinking. By the time they start school, children are more aware of their own feelings and the feelings of others. They are better able to link their thoughts and feelings and use words to describe their feelings. As such, they become better able to change and shape the way they feel. Children’s ability to change and adapt their feelings means they are more likely to tolerate their own frustration better, put off getting things they really want and are able to calm themselves down.

Relationships are important for children’s feelings

Children’s emotional development is greatly influenced by the quality of the relationship that is developed between themselves and their parents. The way parents interact with their child has a lot to do with the way the child will develop emotionally. Children learn to manage their emotions by watching how other family member express and manage their emotions. Parents play a critical role in modelling how to respond to strong feelings. Children need help and practice in managing their emotions.

Supporting your child’s emotional development

Keep the emotional climate of the home calm, warm and predictable. By doing so you will learn to gauge your child’s emotions are then able to accept and acknowledge your child’s emotions.  By reading stories to children and talking about the different feelings of the characters in the books you open them up to understanding their own emotions. Talking about them helps children to better understand their feelings. Help your child to put feelings into words – “it seems like you are feeling disappointed at the moment”. Encourage children to talk about situations that make them feel excited, happy, angry or worried. Praise children for not losing control and staying calm. Help children to separate feelings from behaviour – “I know you are feeling angry but it is not OK to hit.” Help children to understand the difference between their own and other people’s feelings – “I know you are feeling frustrated right now but what you are doing is making your sister feel sad”.

Social development

Children are constantly learning about their world and how to get along with others. A child’s desire to connect with others motivates them to learn and gives the child confidence to try new things. Children’s social development is closely related to their emotional development. Children who can control their feelings, such as anger or excitement, are more likely to be able to engage in positive play with other children and negotiate difficulties with others when they arise. Equally, children who understand the feelings of others will be better able to be sensitive to the needs of other children during play. As a parent, you are the most important connection to your child and between your child and others in their world. Children learn about relationships from the ways you relate to them and others.  All children go through different phases of social development. Children develop social skills mostly through games and play. How children play changes with age. As they grow, children move from playing alone to playing alongside other children and finally play co-operatively with other children.

Know your child

Children of different ages, backgrounds and personalities experience different challenges in developing social skills. Some children make friends easily and others less so. Some children are shy and others outgoing. Sometimes children have no trouble developing some social skills but do have difficulty with others. Observe your child in different social situations. Notice how they manage. Do they seem different in different settings? Are they lacking in confidence? Do they need help to join in? What are they doing easily? What, if anything, are they finding more difficult? Just like learning to walk and talk, a child’s developing social skills require support, practice and repetition.

Ways to help your child

• Create a climate of kindness and generosity at home.
• Encourage sharing and being considerate of others.
• Model the social behaviour you want to encourage in your child (siblings can also good role models).
• Ask children for help with daily chores and accept their offers of help.
• Encourage a variety of appropriate relationships between your child and others.
• Help children to feel positive about themselves.
• Support children to understand their own feelings and the feelings of others.
• Help your child to develop group social skills.
• Have reasonable expectations about sharing (some things are hard to share and should be put away when friends come round).
• Provide lots of opportunities for children to play with others.
• Ask your child’s preschool or school who your child spends time with and set up play dates.
• Keep play dates for young children short, simple and fun.
• Introduce structured activities to the play for very young children.
• Gradually extend the length of time children play.
• Gradually increase the number of children involved in play dates.
• Gradually decrease the amount of structure you put in place as your child gets older.

Promoting independence

A key task of parenting is raising independent, self-motivated children who are able to appropriately use the support of parents and friends as they grow. You can help your child develop a healthy sense of independence. Independence is an important aspect of your child’s development. From the age of two, children strive for more independence. From this age, you should encourage your child to make simple choices about their lives. The degree of independence you can expect form you child must appropriate to their age and abilities and varies with each different situation. Children may be more independent in some situations than others. It can be a common pitfall for busy parents to do things for children that children are capable of doing themselves. Though it may actually take more time initially for parents to support children to do age-appropriate tasks for themselves, your child’s self confidence and independence will grow as a result.

Ways to encourage appropriate independence

Allow your child to make simple choices from a range of options you are prepared to accept. For example, allow your children to have a say in which clothes they will be wearing each day, even if this is limited to basic colour selection. Let children make mistakes and support them to learn from them. Let children participate in household chores, such as vacuuming, dusting and making beds. Develop a responsibility chart so your children can keep track of the household chores they have completed. Let children know you are interested in their thoughts and ideas. Ask their opinions on things that are to do with them. Respect your child’s decisions wherever possible.  Help children to understand the impact of their choices. Teach children problem solving skills – encourage them to think about what they could do to fix the problem rather than telling them what to do. Provide positive support for your child in situations that may be challenging. Encourage and praise children’s attempts to do things for themselves no matter what the outcome. Provide age-appropriate toys so that children can learn to play by themselves for short periods of time. Help children take responsibility for packing up their toys.

Teach older children to use a watch and incorporate time in some directions you give. For example “You can go next door to play, but I want you to be home by 4:30.” Help children to set achievable goals and work toward achieving those goals.

Unfortunately, children don’t come in to the world with a manual on good behaviour! Even if they did, it wouldn’t work because there are so many mixed messages about how to behave well. In fact almost every aspect that will pass through your child’s life will present different ways to respond to similar situations. This kind of diversity should be celebrated, of course, but it does create challenges for parents. In particular, it necessitates that we are clear, concise and consistent with rules that we set, and that we recognize “context”. For example, behaviour that may be permissible around the family table may not necessarily apply when at a fancy restaurant (or at the grandparents for that matter!). I know that some of the jokes told in our home would be considered politically incorrect and therefore not for the public domain. As long as we recognized those subtleties and respect them, then everyone is happy.

That said, there’s a need to be patient as it takes time for children to learn these skills, and allow them to develop their own personality and preferences. Of course, we could force children to be obedient (we are bigger and stronger than they are in the early years), but that’s not an effective long-term strategy. In the long term it is far more helpful for them to learn to co-operate through simple understanding and self discipline, and not because they’re afraid of us!

What is the point of disciplining?

Effective discipline is done for the purpose of helping a child learn an important set of skills. These could include things like, give and take, to think about other peoples’ needs as well as their own; or skills in relating well to others; taking responsibility for their own actions and keeping promises, and of course they need to learn to look after themselves in an effective and practical way. So in this sense, discipline is a means to an end, a way of helping children grow up as confident, independent, responsible and responsive young adults.

What is positive discipline?

We all too often use the word discipline to mean punishment. This will mean that the phrase “positive discipline” probably seems a little strange at first. Yet the origin of the word discipline couldn’t be more different, it stems from the word disciple, meaning a follower or someone who is guided. So what we’re actually meaning when using the phrase “positive discipline” is that discipline is a way to guide children, not punish them.

Positive discipline is encouraging. It makes allowances for the fact that children need time to learn what behaviour is ok and what is not, and that they will make mistakes. In particular, it pays attention to what they are doing well, rather than noticing only what they do wrong. It keeps adults in charge, while respecting children’s rights and feelings and helping them to think and act for themselves. Some of the main points of positive discipline are:

• It establishes and maintains clear boundaries
• It uses positive encouragement
• It notices (and rewards through attention) positive behaviour
• It uses reasonable penalties in response to negative behaviour

Positive discipline has a positive effect on children and teenagers: It shows them how to improve their behaviour without making them feel that they themselves are bad.

Boundaries

There are four main kinds of boundaries; constricting, absent, inconsistent, and clear/consistent. Each style of boundary has an effect and will influence the way your child develops attitudes and behaviours.

Constricting discipline boundaries

If your style of discipline is one using constricting boundaries then there is likely to be lots of rules and regulations, which are often backed up with severe punishments. This is a little like a dictatorship, where children are constricted and over controlled and as a result often become rebellious and uncooperative, or go to the other extreme and become timid, submissive, waiting to be told what to do and reluctant to try things for fear of making mistakes.

Absent discipline boundaries

This is characterized by using little or no discipline at all. In this environment there are few limits, almost anything goes, and it resembles a little like an anarchy. Be warned; too much freedom can be as scary as not having enough. If there are no boundaries, children will probably feel that nobody cares, and may behave in extreme and sometimes dangerous ways in an attempt to get someone to take charge.

Inconsistent discipline boundaries

If your style of discipline has inconsistent boundaries (often a mixture of constricting and absent), with swings from being indulgent one day and neglectful the next, the chances are your children will feel confused and insecure. In this sort of environment kids also learn to be manipulative. If the adults around aren’t clear about what they expect, children aren’t clearly guided towards a positive life lesson. Lot of difficult behaviour can be traced to this.

Clear, Consistent discipline boundaries

This style of discipline is safe and encouraging. Here children can expect fair limits with clear expectations. They are provided with a stable framework and plenty of room to explore and grow – a little like a democracy. These type of boundaries help children (and adults) feel secure and this in turn builds confidence and thoughtfulness.

Encourage Through Praise

There’s no two ways about it, praise is a crucial ingredient. It’s a powerful way of encouraging, supporting, and making others feel good about themselves. It shows we are pleased, enthusiastic or grateful, and it helps both the child and adult to feel good at the same time!

With children, praise works wonders. However, as parents we should be aware that there are two kinds of praise; praise for doing and praise for being. Praising a child for something they do tells them that you have noticed what they are doing, and that you like it. If we acknowledge children’s efforts, they are more likely to have another go – and more likely to succeed. Praising a child for being is telling them that we value them just for being who they are – their own qualities, personality, etc. They don’t have to do anything to earn the compliment; it’s unconditional. It can be difficult to decide whether praise is for being or doing (we need to do both). Thinking about when we praise can help. Do we give the praise as we see something being done, or because we happen to think of it and it’s generally true?

If you are already giving praise, you may like to check how you are doing it and see if you want to change or add anything. Think about what you could praise, and rehearse in your mind what you’d like to say first; it makes giving the praise all the more easy.

Steps for giving praise effectively

1. Give the child all your attention
2. Move close to the child
3. Look pleased and share their pleasure
4. Be specific: describe what you like
5. Ask the child what he/she thinks
6. Seek eye contact
7. Mean it – be sincere and let it show in a warm tone of voice
8. Touch the child gently
9. Give pride to the child (“You deserve to feel proud of yourself”)

Positive stories about teens rarely make it into the headlines, but nine in ten teens do not get into trouble!

Make no bones about it, there will be times when you are parenting any age group that will feel tough and frustrating, but teens have an unfairly bad rap. Perhaps it is because teens are larger, more verbal, and able to fight bigger battles that the difficulties seem that much harder. But, honestly, teens are capable of wonderful things; providing some of the most joyful moments for parents.

Sure, parenting is complex. Many factors will affect outcomes in the way your children behave and turn out. Personal resources, the characteristics of the child, and the stress or support parents get from school, family, and the community will all play a part. But if you that parenting teens will be hard, then it’s highly likely that what you project becomes your reality. Instead, remember that the vast majority of teens turn into wonderful, resourceful, interesting adults. And it’s an exciting journey to be a part of.

Those things which parents typically fear about teens: drug abuse, irresponsible and early sex, and teen opposition to authority are all preventable acts. So to understand more about teens, let’s start by dispelling some of the myths.

Myth One: Peer pressure is worst during adolescent and teen years

First of all, peer pressure is overrated, but even more important; peer pressure can be a highly positive force. Generally, adolescents choose friends with similar values and tastes to theirs; however, parents still retain the major influence over the child’s life. Research shows that parents who monitor their children can help prevent a number of risky behaviours, including alcohol use, sexual activity, delinquency, and other misconduct. Monitoring also gives children the message that with increasing privileges comes increasing responsibilities.

STRATEGY

Parental monitoring means establishing guidelines and limits for your child in order to keep track of what is going on in his or her social world. It means knowing: 

• where your kids are
• who they are with
• what kinds of activities have been planned
• how they will get there and back again

Parental monitoring also means making expectations clear with your child about what to do in an emergency. But parental monitoring does not mean demanding obedience, attempting to control a child’s choices and behaviour, or imposing a parent’s will on the child.

While children may complain that parents “don’t trust them” or that they are being unreasonable, there is security in knowing that parents care enough to ask. Parents need to understand that monitoring is an important right and responsibility of parenting.

If you wait until the teen years to begin monitoring it will feel too much like you are trying to control them and at that stage teens will turn the issue into a power struggle. So start monitoring children early in ways that are age appropriate. This will help children accept this as a part of life. Teenagers need increasing freedom to begin their road to independence and they need parents who monitor their behaviour in a respectful and appropriate way. Starting early may be the best strategy, but it is never too late to begin.

Since you cannot always be around to monitor children, family rules will help parents monitor their children when they are out of sight. A phone call to a parent at home or at work at an agreed-upon time or when plans change will help parents know where their children are and will set a good precedent for the future.

Myth Two: Teens prefer their friends to their parents

As children begin school they spend less time with parents, and their friends become more important. Similarly, as your child begins to create their own identity through what they do, where they go, and who they know they will seek approval from their peer group. This is only natural and shouldn’t be considered as a threat to the parent-teen relationship.

Indeed, if children have been given strategies early in life to deal with tough decisions, they will be able to face these tests with good results. That being the case, as parents we should encourage our children to make small decisions from an early age (for example, which shirt to wear, which game to play, how to arrange their room). Children who have been allowed to experiment with and learn that decisions have consequences are better able as teens to make tougher decisions! On the other hand, parents who always tell their children what to do and are particularly controlling are preparing their children to listen to others without ever developing an inner voice to guide them for a lifetime.

STRATEGY

Stay involved and connected. Talk and listen to your children. Know their friends, their school experience, and what their world is like. Parents busy with work and children busy with school activities have very little time to interact and that’s why this time takes special effort. Here are some suggestions for connecting with your child: 

• Be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are willing to listen.
• Use everyday family activities to stay close. Making dinner, running errands, taking a walk can all be turned into quality family time.
• Build in extra time to “check-in” at bedtime. Do not assume your child has outgrown this important bedtime ritual.
• Use notes, bulletin boards, messages, smart phone technology, emails, facebook, and any other means to communicate with each other.
• Get to know your child’s friends by inviting them to your home and on family outings.

Myth Three: My teen won’t talk to me. I can’t get him or her to open up

In all my years dealing with teenagers, I’ve learnt that most of them like to talk. But they must have a willing listener. If simply asked, “How was your day?” by a parent who listens only halfway and responds “uh huh”, teens will of course close up and seek other more willing listeners.

Similarly, if all that is said is “clean your room,” or “look at me when I am talking to you!” then obviously teens will begin to tune out. There must be a balance between routine chatter and deeper talk. When psychologist Torey Hayden asked several hundred teens what they wished they could talk with their parents about, they named: 

• Family matters -Vacations, decisions, rules, curfews, serious illness, money problems.
• Controversial issues - Sex, lifestyles, drugs.
• Emotional issues - Parents’ feelings about them and other things.
• Big whys - Why do people go hungry? Why is there war? Other philosophical issues.
• The future - Work, college, making plans for their life beyond the current home.
• Current affairs - World and community happenings.
• Personal interest - Sports, hobbies, friends.
• Parents themselves - What were parents like at their age, stories that show parents are real.

Myth Four: If I don’t get control of my child now, I may be sorry later

Control is the wrong way to look at your relationship with your child. Instead, it is critical to seek a balance between parental INFLUENCE and teen control; realizing that teens are expanding their independence and freedom. Teens of today are exposed to many more freedoms than when their parents were young so it will be a failed mission if you seek to totally control what they are exposed to. There is greater access to information via television and the Internet than ever before. What this means is that parents have a complex job being a filter to these influences.

STRATEGY I

Listen and reflect. Listen to your child’s request. Evaluate the request based on their maturity and ability to manage decisions. Hear out their request and see if there is a reason behind it. For example, if a 13-year-old wants to sleep at a friend’s house on a school night, which is generally not allowed, find out if there is a reason that concerns homework, school activities, or other arguments before flatly saying no. Of course having consistent limits is important as well, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t place for sensible pragmatism. Encourage teens to develop a sound argument. Encourage them to tell the difference between what they want and what they need. This is good practice for them and allows a more extensive and less emotional discussion.

STRATEGY II

Set clear, reasonable limits. A teen who says, “You are the most strict parents. I wish I had Alex’s parents,” is a teen who has limits. Respect your teen’s point of view and be willing to discuss rules. This happens best when the argument has not become heated. Take a break before continuing by saying, “Let’s take about 10 minutes to cool down, then we will discuss this together.” This will allow both of you to consider what you will say and will take some of the heat out of the argument.

Parents and other adults must understand the importance of eliminating emotion from the discussion and leave personality out of the discussion. Many teens will argue for the sake of arguing. Arguing gives them practice in defending their position and can be a constructive learning technique.

Involving the teen in the decision does not take away a parent’s power, but helps to create a balance of power and control. Allowing teens to have some control in this way let’s them know they are important and valued and CAN indeed work with you through important life decisions.

Myth Five: Teens are moody, rebellious, and never serious

Instead of believing the worst, look at the positive aspects of teen years. Teens are curious, imaginative, and have many new ideas about the world. This stage is a time of remarkable social and mental growth. There are certainly many physical changes during this time, but the effects of these changes depend on the social, personality, and temperament factors of the child. Adolescents are now capable of complex reasoning and thinking. Given guided practice, your teens can make thoughtful and sensible decisions.

STRATEGY

Look for the positive aspects of budding development while modelling what you want. It’s extremely likely that your child is interested in information about relationships, their bodies, and many other subjects that parents may feel awkward about. Parents will need to overcome this sense of awkwardness because if you are not willing to talk about those topics, other sources such as television, the Internet, or friends will fill in.

Be willing to talk, answer questions, and help them join acceptable community activity groups. Teens are ready to “try on” adult behaviours so be a positive model from early ages and you will find your child mirrors you and your attitudes.

When it comes to influencing your child, the things you say are not as important as the things you do. If you expect your child to let you know where they are going, when they will be home, and how they can be reached, then you need to model this behaviour by providing this same information to your kids and your partner. Similarly, if you don’t want your teens to use foul language or then you need to refrain yourself. Model good manners and your children will follow suit.

Myth Six: Teens don’t care about others

This is simply not true! To develop a caring teen, we must also model and practice CARING through caring talk and confirmation. Caring talk is the chance to question WHY. By doing so with your children, you will be more connected to each other. Using open-ended questions (such as “What do you think about… ? Why do you think they acted that way? How could we figure this out?” you will show them that you care and give them practice in understanding and listening to others. Confirmation of who they are and what they do is about recognizing them as the unique individual they are and respecting that.

Summary

The most effective parents set high standards and are clear about boundaries, but wrap this approach with warmth, love, and involvement. Make sure you schedule time with your teen (studies show teens want to spend more time-not less-with their families) and put your heart into it. Accept this stage by making your expectations known, but recognize that your child is developing and is at a stage where they may experiment with their identity (prepare for unique hairstyle and clothing). Be a guide, but let some things be a part of the teenager’s learning process and take care not to exclude your teen because he/she is becoming independent. Accept your teen as an individual and model the type of person you want them to become through your own actions. Parents can’t simply create the child, but they can guide and love them for who they are.

Did you know that research shows that pregnancy and child rearing enhance mental capabilities? Sure, it’s a time characterized by lack of sleep, walking around in a haze, and a sudden loss of all motor skills, but apparently (according to scientific research) pregnancy also confers startling benefits: it actually boosts brainpower!

During pregnancy, learning and memory skills improve dramatically, say researchers, reversing the popular myth that it is a time of dumbing down. Key brain areas also alter in size; changes that can persist for decades. Far from transforming mothers into weakened emotional wrecks who lose car keys and drop in IQ, it turns out having a child makes them cleverer. It’s just hard to spot thanks to all that lost sleep.

Professor Craig Kinsley, of Richmond University, and Professor Kelly Lambert, of Randolph-Macon College, both in Virginia, writing in the Scientific American say that it boils down to plasticity of the brain and it’s incredible ability to work harder when required. Or, as some might say, when the going gets tough, the brain gets going. In their paper they claim that improvements in brain power include enhanced sensory abilities just after childbirth, allowing women to recognise their infants by faint smells and sounds.

It also reports that women who have children in their forties are four times more likely to survive to 100 than women who gave birth earlier because the pregnancy enhances women’s brains and bodies just at a time when the decline starts to kick.

Underlying these changes are two key processes. The first involves the hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy, birth and lactation, which remodel the brain, increasing the size of neurons in some regions. Women become vigilant and alert – and the benefits appear to be long-lasting, say Kinsley and Lambert.

Secondly, rearing a child is so challenging it stimulates brain activity or as Dr Michael Merzenich of the University of California in San Francisco says: “Having a baby is a revolution for the brain”. In short, the brain creates cells that thrive the more they are used and the emotional, novel experiences of child raising provides the most stimulating use of all.

Katherine Ellison, who published “The Mommy Brain” points out: ‘There’s no other time in a woman’s life when she needs to be quite as smart as when she is looking after young children.’

In one experiment, scientists compared the behaviour of virgin female rats with those with litters. The rats were placed in enclosures containing a cricket – a tasty rat snack – hidden under wood chips. ‘The virgins took nearly 270 seconds to find the cricket and eat it, compared with slightly more than 50 seconds for mother rats,’ Lambert said.

Kinsley and Lambert say the phenomenon could have been a key driver in the evolution of all mammals. Instead of laying eggs and walking off like reptiles, mammals defend their young. Creatures that were most vigilant at this time would have fared better and lived longer.

Although the idea does seem counter-intuitive to mums (and dads), who often feel dazed and uncoordinated through pregnancy and in those early years of parenthood it may simply be that we haven’t felt this improved mental horse-power, because the effects have been hidden by a lack of sleep. Nevertheless, it does seem to make sense that the body and brain would boost performance at this critical time.

And it’s not just the mothers who benefit. Lambert says yes that this enhanced cognitive ability is also true for fathers, but to a more limited extent. ‘A man won’t get a hormone boost, but if he is an involved father he will gain through sharing the challenging experience of childraising.’

This idea is backed by Lambert’s studies of the California deer mouse, the male of which shares equally in childrearing tasks. Experienced fathers were found to do better than inexperienced males in experiments that tested their ability to navigate mazes and find food.

The “I Love Myself” generation should actually be characterized by being caring and loving towards themselves as well as to others. They would be appreciative of their talents and be accepting of who they are. And in turn, they would be the same towards their friends, classmates, siblings, and parents. Most importantly, because of loving themselves, they would be able to make loving decisions that lead to prudent actions. This could include questioning and refraining from overindulging in drugs and alcohol, having sex before you are mature enough to handle it, partaking in  bullying and humiliating behavior to others, and being in unhealthy relationships that cause pain and hurt. It sounds wonderful doesn’t it?

Being able to love yourself demonstrated by lots of “I love me” actions leads to true, authentic “I love you” to others. Unfortunately, though, the message children actually hear is that someone else loves them and it bypasses the notion that they have to learn how to love themselves first. Also, some parents make the mistake of confusing self-love with self-esteem. They may look similar word-wise but actually one has to come before the other. When you love yourself  first it creates a natural by-product of high self-esteem that helps build confidence and the courage to try and experience new things in life. The more self-love generated, the more self-worth is created and demonstrated. And of course, this isn’t the same as being conceited or arrogant.

Developing Self-Love & Self-Esteem In Toddlers

Toddlers are the perfect age to start giving them these skills. They are at the age where they are realising they’re separate people and as they do so, they’ll begin to learn who they are and will have more understanding about themself.

As toddlers slowly build up a picture of themselves and a sense of self some of thetypes of behaviour your toddler might display – of which  some you may find hard to cope with! – happen as a result of them beginning to realise they’re a separate person with a mind of their own.

To begin with, a toddler’s view of themselves is still very much a reflection of what other people seem to think of them. Therefore, it’s important for their developing self-esteem that they’re exposed to mainly positive views and are taught to love who they are.

This means telling your toddler, as often as possible, that you love them and that they’re marvellous, wonderful and fun to be with and letting them know they are loved by showing affection with lots of hugs, kisses and kind words.

Nothing is more damaging to your toddler’s developing self-esteem than a message from you that they’re not loved, liked or wanted. It’s important not to use sarcastic, unkind words or a harsh tone of voice when speaking with them. They’ll believe what you tell them and if your message is that they’re irritating, it’ll have a negative impact on their self-esteem. If you’re feeling angry, never say things such as “You’re so stupid” or “I’d wish you’d never been born!”

It’s important to praise your toddler regularly  - not just for succeeding, but for who they are and what they are doing (efforts and attempts). Even if your toddler doesn’t manage to do exactly what they set out to do, saying things such as “The way you tried hard to put those bricks together was great ” will encourage them to have another go. It’s amazing how far this alone will go in building your child’s self-love and self esteem.

Providing sensible choices for your toddler can also help them feel a certain degree of control over the world. You might ask your toddler to choose their own clothes or offer a choice of shoes, for example. Similarly, if you give them the choice of plenty of activities – trying out lots of things – you and your toddler will find something that he or she is both good at and you’re you all enjoy. Some children are great swimmers, for example, while others solve problems easily.

Having high self-love means: 

• liking yourself and feeling good about the way you are
• realising you’re a worthwhile, competent and likeable person
• having the confidence to try new challenges
• feeling you can achieve the things you set out to do
• not being afraid to keep on trying if you get things wrong or fail occasionally
• feeling confident and optimistic about the future

Helping your toddler build the inner strength to cope with life’s ups and downs as they grow is one of your most important tasks as a parent. Having the fortitude of enough “I love me” under their belt, gives your children the ability to withstand challenging situations and to move forward in a much more positive manner. Teaching these skills is a long-term investment that will last a lifetime for children and will impact them from their education, to the ability to relate to others to their chosen job or career. So, it makes sense to do all you can to build your toddler’s confidence.

Positive parenting is about believing children want to communicate with you, listening to children, discussing with your children what you want them to do, being very clear about what you want them to do, setting clear limits and boundaries, being firm and consistent, giving the same message every time, and viewing disagreements between parents and children as opportunities to develop problem-solving and negotiation skills. It is born out of the principles of the authoritative parenting style, but to guide you into being a positive parent, keep in mind these 2 simple tips:

1. Go with your gut. In all the books you’ll read, there will been conflicting advice on many things. For example, pacifier use is good vs. pacifier use is bad. Trust your parenting instinct and you’ll know instinctively which is the right choice for you.

2. Make time for yourself. To be the best for your child, you need to be the best for your first. Making time for you (and your partner) is a great way to make that happen.

If you think you can manage more than these two, then below are the core foundations of positive parenting:

Model good behaviour

In addition to describing good behaviour, parents should also strive to model good behaviour for their children. This means everything from saying please and thank you, picking up books and toys, turning off the lights when leaving a room and refraining from swearing. Modelling good behaviour should also take place outside of the house, such as by holding doors open for others at the shopping centre, waiting for the light to cross a street and waiting patiently in a queue. The more that children see their parents acting appropriately the more normal it becomes, and the more likely they will be to copy this good behaviour themselves. Treating kids politely is the best way to encourage them to behave politely with us and others.

Keep a positive attitude

Of course you love your children, but sometimes you won’t like what they do or what they say or the decisions they make. When they do behave, speak, or decide something that you are unhappy with, stay positive. In this way, when you confront, discuss, dialogue, or talk with your kids, they can tell what you think, but they receive the message in a loving and concerning fashion rather than feeling that we as parents are trying to control them. In order to have the greatest influence with kids, we have to be thinking good things about them in order to project love and concern (even when you have to hold them accountable).

Talk about what you want rather than what you don’t want

Talking about what you don’t want is pretty easy to do and a bad habit to avoid. Instead of using statements like:

• Don’t spill that milk!
• Don’t leave your shoes on the floor.
• Don’t forget to do your homework.
• Don’t speak to me that way!
• Don’t slam the door!

use statements which focus on the behaviour you want and you will get much better results. For example:

• Please be careful with that glass.
• Put your shoes in the closet, please.
• Remember to do your homework.
• I would appreciate it if you would watch your tone when you speak to me.
• Please close the door rather than slam it.

Replace “but” with “and”

How would it sound to you if your supervisor came to you and said something like this: “We really like what you have done this year, but…” You would probably forget the first part of the statement and focus on the last part (which is probably negative). Well, kids are the same! So rather than saying “you’ve done a great job with vacuuming the carpet, but you missed this spot.” Try “you’ve done a great job vacuuming the carpet, and there’s one little spot over here that needs some more attention.” In general “but” negates everything before it, and it usually precedes a critical or negative comment whereas “and” ties two thoughts together without the negative connotation.

Name the behavior don’t label the child

Try especially hard at applying this positive parenting tip. Saying things like: “you’re such a good boy” or “you have been a bad girl” are quick and easy, but they really aren’t effective. Rather than use labels like that, speak about specific behaviors. For example:

• You have done a great job picking up all of your toys!
• Wow! I notice that you put your shoes away without being asked. I really appreciate that.
• Thank you for washing the car this afternoon. That really helps me out.
• The yard looks fantastic. You really put some effort into raking it, didn’t you?
• I notice that you got straight A’s on your report card. You can be proud of the work that went into that report card.

Be clear about your real objective

This positive parenting tip becomes even more important as your kids approach their teenage years. When they make a mistake, disobey you, break a household rule, or make a bad decision; you probably see the long-term implications clearly. In your effort to protect them from the same mistake in the future, you might even get angry with them. The anger, while often justified, can get you in trouble as you work to apply positive parenting techniques. Therefore, be careful to focus your disciplinary approach on teaching the lesson you want your child to learn and not on expressing the depth of your hurt or anger. If you focus too much on your feelings, you run a major risk of having them miss the whole point of your disciplinary choice. They might take your efforts as evidence of you “punishing” them rather than “holding them accountable” or “teaching them a valuable lesson.”

Use consistent standards for all disciplinary decisions

Consistently applying discipline, enforcing household rules, and teaching appropriate behavioral lessons is often one of the biggest challenges. It’s easy to overreact to an issue or ignore it because you are too tired, hungry, frustrated, or distracted. By having a clearly defined set of rules, expectations, and acceptable behaviours that have already been talked through and agreed in a calm moment, you will be better able to respond appropriately to situations, either good ones or bad ones, when they occur at times when our logical filters aren’t functioning normally!