This led me to thinking about a book, “The Slap”, by Christos Tsiolkas that I also read, which is a story about how an event – a man slapping a child who wasn’t his own at a suburban BBQ – affects a group of people, friends, relatives, who are all directly or indirectly influenced by the slap.

It opened the door to plenty of debate between me and my friends, because is raises the question: should someone else discipline another person’s child? And if so, what are the “rules of engagement” and, subsequently, what is considered an appropriate level of discipline?

As parents, we are usually around children a lot of the time. So it’s inevitable that at some point you’re going to experience another child demonstrating bad behaviour. That’s to be expected and most of us don’t pay it much (if any) attention and get on with our lives as usual. What happens, however, if another child hurts your child? What if they bite them or hit them or push them over causing considerable pain? And what if the aggressor’s parents don’t do anything (or aren’t there to see the incident)?

Interesting questions, aren’t they?

I have to say that in canvassing opinion on these points, I’ve been surprised at the way society seems to be leaning on this. According to a Parenting Survey conducted by AOL, 33% of respondents felt that you should never discipline another person’s child unless you have been given expressed permission by their parent to do so. Over 60% said they wouldn’t discipline another child if their parents were around even if the parents hadn’t taken any action.

I totally accept that seeing someone else reprimand your child makes you instantly protective of them, but are you really at liberty to be upset that your child has been scolded for doing something wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right and however much you want to defend your children, they have to understand the difference between good and bad behaviour and that will only happen if they are “told off” when they do something unacceptable.

In an ideal world I would say that in the first instance, the parent of the child responsible for the misdemeanour should, of course, be the one who decides on and carries out the disciplining. But if that parent isn’t around (or doesn’t do anything) then surely the parent of the victim has a legitimate right to let the aggressor know that his or her behaviour isn’t appropriate.

I’m not saying that I agree with slapping another person’s child, by the way! I think that discipline should rarely (if ever) involve physical contact and (unless you have a special agreement with the other parents) certainly not when it’s another person’s child. But the idea that we simply aren’t allowed to tell off someone else’s kids (even when they are doing wrong) is a bit too “new age” for me.

On thinking through this conundrum, I came across some sage advice when it comes to disciplining someone else’s kids:

• First, stick to house rules. So, instead of saying “you are not allowed to play ball” you would say “we don’t play ball inside our house”. The problem with this is that it only works if you’re on your own turf!
• If another child or an animal might get hurt, then you have a right to step in before something happens.
• But, when you do step in, don’t “punish” (and certainly not physically). Just take away possessions or give time-outs.
• Finally, never hit or spank someone else’s child, even if you spank your own kids. If for no other reason, you can get into trouble with the law and you also run the risk of serious repercussions.

According to parenting blogger, Myra Turner, when disciplining children you should remember the 4 R’s: Respond, Review, Reflect and Right the Wrong. For example, if someone shoves your child you would first respond to the situation. In a calm voice, ask the aggressor to think about his actions asking a question such as, “Why did you shove little Johnny?” Next, you want to review why the behaviour is wrong. For example, talk about how shoving can be dangerous and why playing nicely is a good thing. Then reflect on the behaviour’s effect, in this case how it makes the other child feel. You can also ask how the other child would feel if you shoved him and pushed him over. And finally, move on to right the wrong. Ask the child how he can remedy the situation. In this case, he could apologize and/or give your child a hug.

One parent I know operates by a hierarchy of who can discipline whom. She says that if your kid hurts another child you have first dibs at telling them off. If you weren’t there the parent of the “victim” gets second rights, but if you are nearby they should let you know what has happened and let you deal with it. In situations where neither parents are around then a parent who did see it should let you both know so you can choose how to deal with it.

Personally, I find that a little too “softly softly” for my liking, but maybe a little bit of preparation ahead of time, where you talk to other parents and make a list of rules and similar “hierarchies” can help prevent awkward situations from arising later on. What do you think?

A number of you have written in suggesting topics for our articles and what seems to be a common theme amongst some of our readers is that of “fussy eaters”. You probably know exactly what I’m talking about; kids who just don’t like the good, healthy food you are putting in front of them. Funnily enough, I think I can write quite competently on this challenging subject as I’ve experienced a fussy eater first hand! 

Do any of you recognise this parental struggle?

“My child has been a fussy eater for a while now and it appears that the list of “acceptable” foods is growing shorter by the week. The daily battles over food and meal times is really starting to get me down and sometimes a just want to give in… but I do want her to eat more than fries and chicken. What can I do?”

First things first 

If you have a fussy eater in the house, the chances are that the problem isn’t with the food(s) they are refusing to eat, per se. It sounds strange, I know, but the truth is the problem is in the child’s attitude to food in general. Our 6 year old – thankfully – has a broad palate and finds food interesting. She is at ease around food and enjoys eating. Mealtimes are great, because in general she’ll approach the table with a view that anything will be fine.

A fussy eater simply doesn’t have that kind of ease around food. Instead, food will ignite strong feelings for him or her. And it doesn’t matter what is happening with the food – it can be too salty, too sweet, too creamy, too thick, too gooey, it can be that two foods are touching on the plate, or that there is too much of a particular colour – the feelings are intense and emotionally charged.

So, if you’re expecting a fussy eater to think rationally about eating food, you can forget it! Insisting that food has to be eaten, trying to hide greens, and telling them they won’t get dessert are conventional parenting tactics that just don’t work in the long term.

Understanding child psychology

When a child exhibits a “bad” attitude towards food, this normally stems from a deep negative feeling that occurred early in childhood. In reality, that “bad” attitude is actually just a response that is borne out of fear or frustration, which can usually be traced to some sort of earlier trauma. Sometimes that trauma isn’t even food related. It sounds strange, I know, but let me explain.

Research has shown that kids who scream when a jumper is pulled over their heads are very often the same kids whose births were long and difficult. A simple everyday occurrence (taking off a jumper) triggers what seems like an abnormal response for the situation. What is actually happening is that a highly charged emotional memory is being activated.

If that emotional memory isn’t addressed, the fear or frustration can stay parked inside the child and his or her emotional makeup becomes saturated with triggers that can tip those feelings into play. And those triggers can migrate from having to take a jumper off, to being a fussy eater, for example.

Very often, children who are fussy eaters also have other emotional triggers; they don’t like getting dressed, they wake several times at night, they can’t sit at the dinner table for any length of time, or they don’t like having their hair washed. These are the tell tale signs that there is a deeper emotional memory that hasn’t been addressed yet.

What approach should you take with a fussy eater?

The good news is that, once you know what you are dealing with, tackling these seemingly irrational imbalances isn’t difficult. Pestering your child, holding your child to ransom, and forcing your child to eat certain foods are not – I repeat NOT – the actions that will help in the long term.

One of the most important things in this situation, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT FORCE FEED YOUR KIDS.

Whilst some of these short term tactics may deliver immediate results, they do not ease the child’s attitude about food. If anything, they will actually do more harm in the long term because they will perpetuate tension for the child (and parent) thereby affirming the negative emotional memory.

Instead, you should listen to your child and allow him or her to offload their feelings. By venting and releasing, the overall emotional charge from his/her fear will lessen. With the right approach, your child will gradually become better at sampling foods, and eventually even enjoy trying new foods (shock horror!).

Making food fun

No matter where the emotional memory has started, the first thing to do to start changing their attitude is to make things fun. When children are caught in a behavioural pattern that pits them against a certain activity (like eating), pushing them to do that one simple thing only increases the underlying tension and becomes a highly charged emotional event. In these situations, forcing the matter won’t do anything other than intensify the opposition against it. (Does this sound all too familiar? I know it does to me!)

So the first thing to do is play along with them. Make light of their behaviours. Perhaps even imitate your child’s attitudes toward food. Of course you have to do this playfully; you are not meant to be mocking them or making fun of them. In a light-hearted manner, try joining in with their disgust at the vegetables on the dinner table. Make funny faces at the brussel sprouts, stick out your tongue at the broccoli, say “eeww” at the mash potato and (maybe even) flick a carrot off your plate!

Your purpose here is to engender a light-hearted, fun, and playful approach to food. The aim is to get your kid laughing at the good-humour and having a fun time around meal time. In the long run, this type of laughter will have a healing affect and cancel out the negative connotations and aversions that are currently in place.

Once you start playing and having fun around food, your kid won’t feel singled out as the one with the problem. Instead, you will both be spending good humoured and light hearted time during meals. The food loses the focus, and that focus turns to the relationship between the two of you. Once that happens, your child will be left feeling uplifted that eating has become less serious, and you should see him or her become much more relaxed when it comes to eating.

Give the child a choice and get them involved

One really good way of tackling the fear a child may have around food is to get them child involved with choosing the meal and then making it. The best way I have found to do this involves taking a couple (2 or 3) paper plates, drawing lines across them and then writing down the parts of the meal in the separate quarters. You create a different meal for each plate and let the child decide which one they will have. For example, one plate may have chicken, peas, mash, sweet corn… another plate could have broccoli, fish fingers, carrots, couscous… the options are endless. A little tip: when you draw the different parts of the meal in the quarters of the paper plate, make it colourful and interesting (kids will find it much more appealing). That way you can ensure that your child has all the right components in their food (vegetables, nutrients, protein etc) and your kid has control over which plate they decide.

Once they have decided on their meal, you can now get them involved in the cooking. Kids love mashing potatoes, stirring pots, rolling out dough, and making cookies. Remember that anything that gets them involved with food will release any of the negative emotional triggers that they used to harbour. Baking a cake together is great way to involve a child in cooking. Personally, I remember there was nothing better than being able to lick the mixing bowl clean after making cookie dough!

Teach your child about the origins of food

Finally, I find by educating children about where food has come from, they lose some of the irrational fear surrounding it. Explain and show how fruit and veggies are grown in the earth… tell them that, just like people, they start off as a little seed and with the right care and love they grow into these beautiful plants bearing gorgeous fruits and vegetables. How amazing!

Once you start demystifying the world of food, children tend to be a lot more open to trying new things.

Keep things simple

Last, but not least, one of the common mistakes when encouraging children to try new foods is to make too big a deal of the whole thing. If a child feels under pressure or is the focus of attention during a stressful situation, they will naturally clam up (just like adults do). So the key is to keep things light-hearted and not make a scene. Even if they do start trying new foods, don’t start jumping up and down, hollering, and calling in the neighbours to witness the event! Just give them a gentle “well done” and then go on as normal… make them feel it is a perfectly natural thing to enjoy good food.

Take your time

Like most things, re-educating a child and changing a behavioural pattern can take time. Don’t expect that you’ll see your child make a U-Turn in their eating habits within a week! However, if you follow the guidelines above, with the right approach, patience, and light-hearted fun, I’m sure you will see a significant improvement in your child attitude towards food in the long run.

Baby girl babbling about some hilarious topics – Watch more Funny Videos

Why go green?

let me give you a couple of facts that may surprise you and even spurn you to action.

Did you know:

That Americans alone purchase 5 billion batteries a year
Those batteries will cause 146,000 Tons of waste each year

Many of these batteries come from toys so “how can we – as individual parents – make small decisions that have a positive impact on the environment?” Well, one such decision is about the toys or games you buy your children. It’s a little cliché but true nonetheless, your children and your children’s children will inherit the world that we create today. You know you’re going to give them a toy every now and then anyways, so why not buy your children environmentally friendly toys? Besides, green toys are so “in” this year that they come in all shapes and sizes, without chemicals or additives.

Eco-friendly toys are made from natural, safe materials which do not harm kids or the environment. So other than just benefiting the environment, if your child is at the age when they want to chew on anything and everything, you’ll want to be sure your child’s playthings are green and healthy!

How to go green?

You’re probably thinking that a) you’re not sure where to buy eco-friendly toys, and b) that these toys are going to be expensive. Here’s the good news: going green can actually save you lots of money… and it’s really easy to do when you know how.

Before you ask, here’s a little tick list to help you on the way:

1. The first thing to consider is whether you really need to buy something new

There are many unloved and unused toys and games in homes across Sydney. Rather than collecting dust, these might be donated to charity shops, sold at garage sales or Freecycled. When you next want to treat a child, you might consider collecting a toy from one of these sources.

Freecycling

I’ve only just been introduced to “Freecycling” and I think it’s a brilliant idea… and it’s FREE! Basically, you join an on-line community initiative that allows people to give away items that are no longer being used. Where I live (Sydney) there are many local Freecycle communities, but you don’t have to be in Sydney. You can find the community closest to you at www.freecycle.org. Join up (it’s all free) and then watch the messages arrive in your in-box. People give away everything on these lists, from Harry Potter dolls to bicycles to doll’s houses. If you are interested in an item, email a reply and wait for an answer. The owner looks at all responses and then chooses a recipient. In turn Freecycle offers you a chance to create some more space in your own home and reduce the impact on the environment caused by excessive manufacturing and waste processing.

Toy libraries

Something you may not have even considered, but does your child need to own a toy in order to enjoy it? Probably not. In fact, if I think of the number of “fad” toys that have come and gone I wish I’d thought about borrowing toys first from a toy library (exactly like borrowing books from normal library). Hey, if it turns out your child absolutely loves a particular toy, you can always see if someone is giving one away at your local freecycle community or – failing that – you could even purchase it!

Toy libraries are located in loads of places, google “toy library” in your area and you’re bound to get back a bunch of results.

2. The next thing you should remember is to buy good quality that will last

Hand in hand with the re-use mantra, is a commitment to buying good quality toys and games. A good quality toy will last for generations and can be re-used much more readily than a toy that will break or crack. Use the internet to read parent reviews or manufacturers’ product information. A toy that can be used in a variety of ways – an open ended toy, with no set answer or outcome – will foster imagination and invite more play. An age-appropriate game that requires higher level thinking or the use of strategic skills will engage young people for much longer than a game that is too easy or one dimensional.

3. Consider eco manufacturers

If the time has come to buy something new, there are some toy manufacturers that are seriously considering the environment in all aspects of their business. Look for items that are:
 
•    made with (at least some) recycled material content
•    made with wood that is FSC certified – comes from sustainably managed forests
•    made from materials in abundant supply, like bamboo and post-latex producing rubber wood
•    certified safe for children
•    certifiably organic
•    biodegradable
•    presented with minimal or recycled packaging
•    manufactured by a company with 14001ISO endorsement
•    Fair Trade certified
•    operated without the need for batteries
•    PVC, BPA, lead, Phthalate and petroleum free (including paint and glue used in packaging)
•    good quality – increasing the opportunity for re-use

The internet provides a world of information about eco-friendly toys, and there are several retailers in Australia that offer a range of toys that fulfil this criteria – including second hand and on-line toy shops. Think carefully when you next buy a toy and take a close look at the small print!

Fears about the capacity of the health system to cope with a surge in cases of children struck down with swine flu have been raised time and time again as figures show that the pandemic doesn’t appear to be losing pace.

Given that it’s been all over the news, Practicing Parents felt a duty of care to gather the facts and present them in a “no nonsense” and easy to understand format. We hope you find this helpful.

What’s the difference between swine flu and “normal” flu?

Practically speaking, swine flu is not all that different from seasonal flu in symptoms and treatment. In reality, there are many different strains of influenza (the flu). The problem is that the hype surrounding swine flu has caused a lot of panic, although it’s still the flu – a term that doesn’t cause much alarm on its own, even though each year seasonal influenza kills and hospitalizes many victims.

“Swine flu” refers to any flu virus endemic in pigs, but the strain behind this year’s international outbreak is a mutation which allows animal to human, and human to human, transmission – and that is the most worrying point. If the virus is able to mutate faster than doctors and scientists can keep up with, then there is serious cause for concern. We are not at that stage yet.

What are the symptoms of swine flu?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Influenza Division, says that the symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to the symptoms of regular human flu and include:

• fever
• cough
• sore throat
• body aches
• headache
• chills
• fatigue

Like seasonal flu, swine flu infection can be fatal and it’s best to be on the lookout for these and other symptoms in young children. According to the CDC, warning signs that young children in particular need urgent medical attention include:

• Fast breathing or trouble breathing
• Bluish skin color
• Not waking up or not interacting

• Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough

• Fever with a rash

Who is at risk from swine flu?

What is known is that children between the ages of 5 and 14 are so far proving particularly susceptible to contracting swine flu. Nobody knows why this is specifically the case and the effects are the same no matter what the age of the patient. However, in babies and children parents should keep a careful look out for symptoms such as lethargy, tiredness or difficulty waking up. If these occur then you should consult your doctor immediately.

How can parents protect children from swine flu?

Similar to seasonal flu, swine flu is thought to be spread mainly person-to-person through coughing or sneezing of infected people. That means that exercising common sense and practicing good hygiene are the best ways to help keep your child safe. Here are three common sense guidelines:

• Minimize exposure. If your child is sick, take him or her out of school and keep them home. If in doubt, consult with your pediatrician before sending your child off to school.
• Wash up. Families with children should be extra fastidious with hand-washing. By keeping clean and promoting a sterile environment, you are doing the best you can to keep the bug at bay. Make sure you wash with a sterilizing fluid or a good soap.
• Cover mouths when coughing or sneezing. Using your hands is common practice, but you are better off with a tissue or handkerchief. If you (or your kids) do use your hands, make sure to wash them thoroughly as quickly as possible.

In summary

Although new mutations of the influenza virus are alarming, there isn’t a lot of evidence that shows children are currently at high risk. Parents shouldn’t be particularly worried, but should focus on hygiene and keep an eye out for some of the tell-tale symptoms. If you do see flu symptoms such as sore throat, headache, fever, or body aches and pains, go and see your doctor.

More Information about swine flu

• World Health Organisation
• Video on Understanding Swine Flu from Georgetown University
• Centre for Disease Control & Prevention
• Swine Flu in Australia

For a start, remember that it’s always worth avoiding tantrums if you can do so without compromising your own limits. There will be times when you must force your child to do something they don’t want to or forbid something they enjoy. That being the case, do it as tactfully as you can. When you can see that he or she is getting angry or upset about something, try to make it easier for them to accept.

Put yourself in their shoes’ it can’t be easy being a toddler, rocking wildly between those anxious and angry feelings. And it sure isn’t easy being a toddler’s parent, either, striving to stay on the centre of that emotional see-saw and to hold it in equilibrium. But there is help.

The best method I’ve come across for dealing with “toddler problems” is that by the linguist, Chris Thompson, which retails at a very reasonable $29 (considerably less than many inferior products on the market). Chris’ “Talking To Toddlers” uses a technique called “neuro-lingustic programming” (NLP) and he has used his training in languages to create a toolkit of “word usage” to help parents with toddler behaviour.

“Talking To Toddlers” is a 12 lesson audio course that comes on CD or downloadable MP3 format. It also comes with an accompanying printed manual and a bunch of bonus materials. He shows how you can make people feel differently about things, or to persuade them to do or not do something, by using the right language. Bringing his 15 years of experience and understanding in this field to realm of toddler behaviour, he shows you how to apply these tools directly to parenting problems in a way that works extremely effectively on toddlers. In it he covers things like:

• The absolute Dos and Don’ts when it comes to toddler tantrums

• How to handle toddler behaviour

• The common toddler problems and how to respond appropriately

• What to do when your toddler does have a tantrum

For example, Chris tells us why there is no virtue in challenging children with absolute “dos” and “don’ts” or in backing them into corners from which they can only explode in rage. He provides excellent advice and tips that really help parents and toddlers avoid the difficult moments and bond much more easily.

Chris is a true professional in his field; he’s not only a trained linguist who specialises in NLP technique, but he is also a family man and father who speaks from personal experience. His programme brings his 15 years of expertise on the matter to you in an easily understandable format and the techniques he teaches are simple to implement. If you are interested in what Chris has to say, you can even sign up to receive a FREE audio lesson.

The good news is that your toddler will – over time – learn how to manage things better and his or her frustrations will become less extreme as they learn how to deal with life’s challenges. In time, children get past the toddler stage and turn into young kids. So whatever happens, you know that this is just a phase and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, however, Chris Thompson’s “Talking To Toddlers” is a great manual full of practical and easy to implement strategies that genuinely work.

At the end of the day, there is a lot of information around on how to cope with toddlers… and with so much advice out there, it’s hard to really find the “nuggets”. There are many sources of information so have a look around and I’m sure you’ll find something that suits you and hopefully helps with those challenging years.

Happy Parenting!

Please remember that this is just a guide. The important thing here is to be active and engaged with your toddler; interacting with them in a variety of interesting ways. At the end of the day, you are the best example when it comes to getting your child moving. Even just talking to your toddler about activities plants a seed. It’s positive reinforcement every time a toddler hears you talk about exercise (both physical and mental). If you’re not very active then chances are your toddler won’t be either. Lead by example and let your toddler see you engaged in activity.

So when you are reading this, please don’t take it as gospel! These are “rules of thumb” and you shouldn’t be concerned if your child isn’t hitting these milestones like clockwork. However, by the age of 2, differences should have evened out so if by then your toddler is extremely irritable, seldom smiles or makes few gestures or sounds then there is reason to be concerned. I imagine, though, that regular visits to the paediatrician will have already spotted early developmental problems by this stage anyway.

Back to these milestones. Once your toddler reaches the age of two, as hand-eye coordination improves, most toddlers enjoy activities such as puzzles, building bricks, scribbling and colouring. By the age of three, language skills develop rapidly. Reciting nursery rhymes, singing songs and reading books are especially suited to and exciting for a child of this age. Now let’s break it down a little further.

By the end of month 14 a child typically:

• Takes two or three steps unassisted or may walk
• If walking, may be learning to run
• Stands alone well
• Puts an object into a container
• Stacks two bricks
• Responds to one-step spoken commands without gestures
• Speaks one to six words other than ‘ma-ma’ and ‘da-da’
• Uses jargoning (sounds like a foreign language)

By the end of month 16 a child typically:

• Walks well
• Drinks from a cup
• Scribbles
• Points to items wanted
• Communicates affection, pleasure and excitement
• Begins to understand limits
• Imitates activities

By the end of month 18 a child typically:

• Runs
• Enjoys climbing
• Understands some sentences
• Points to nose, eyes and mouth
• Walks while carrying toys
• Says at least a dozen words besides ‘ma-ma’ and ‘da-da’
• Feeds self with a spoon or fork
• Begins to join words
• Bends over easily to pick up toys
• Gains some control over bowel and bladder
• Enjoys small riding toys
• Shows a preference for certain toys
• Finds it difficult to share
• Explores away from parents and carers

By the end of month 20 a child typically:

• Walks up steps
• Speaks between six and 50 words
• Refers to him/herself by name
• Shows interest in caring for him/herself
• Builds a tower of two to four bricks
• Points to one or more body parts when asked
• Points out pictures in a book
• Removes some clothing

By the end of month 24 a child typically:

• Jumps and runs well
• Kicks and throws a ball
• Goes up and down stairs by him/herself
• Builds tower using six bricks
• Identifies two to four pictures in a book by pointing
• Identifies one item in a book with words
• Speaks around 50 words (some variation is normal)
• Can be understood half the time when speaking
• Uses some two-word combinations
• ’Feeds’ dolls
• Identifies some body parts
• May brush teeth (with help)
• Puts on a piece of clothing

By the end of month 30 a child typically:

• Points to four identified pictures
• Uses more than 50 single words
• Combines words often
• Follows a two-step verbal command
• Names six body parts
• Identifies one to four pictures verbally

By the end of 36 months a child typically:

• Alternates feet when walking up and down steps
• Dresses and undresses self (with marginal success)
• Uses a pedal tricycle
• Follows a two- or three-part command
• Communicates with four- or five-word sentences
• Uses pronouns
• Most spoken words are comprehensible to others
• Understands most speech
• Interested in ‘pretend’ play
• Socialises well with others
• Is often ready to begin toilet training

Remember that your toddler is developing at an incredible rate. During these months and years you will watch him go from a tentative toddler to a confident kid with a growing awareness of his/her environment. He/she will gain new cognitive, emotional and physical skills as they transition from a dependent baby to an independent child. It’s an exciting time filled with new adventure… above all else, make sure you enjoy it as much as your toddler will!