Sibling rivalry is a real, powerful emotion that cannot be wished away. It’s a part of growing up with brothers and sisters. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. For the sake of a comparison, imagine that your partner comes home one day with another lover. Your partner explains that (s)he still loves you, but this new person is going to live with you all now as well. And to make things worse, the new person is needier than you are so they are going to take up a lot of your partner’s time, sorry!

Birth Order

Apparently, when my younger brother was born, I would try to talk passers-by into taking him with them. I’m told that I berated the midwife for leaving her baby with my family! I was the eldest (of what became a very large family) and rivalry is often more intense in the firstborn, because he or she has been used to the spotlight without competition. A later child comes into the world already learning to share their parent’s time and attention. This doesn’t mean that subsequent children don’t have feelings of jealousy towards other siblings, because they can and do. It really depends on how the parents handle the situation.

Age Matters

No matter what the age of the child, jealousy and competition (the two major causes of sibling rivalry) will inevitably be emotions that they have to contend with. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how hard parents try to be fair to their children, every child will feel, at one point or another, feelings of jealousy toward their sibling or siblings. Generally speaking, though, experts believe jealousy of a newborn is strongest in children under five years. That’s because up until the age of 5, a kid is much more dependent on his parents and has fewer interests outside the family circle. Once the child hits 6, they have begun to build a position for themselves among circles outside of the family (such as with friends and at school). Therefore, being pushed out of the limelight at this stage doesn’t “hurt” so much.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Exist?

It really comes down to the child(ren) seeking the attention of the parents. With me and my siblings, if mum gave more attention (what we, as kids, thought was “love”) to one of the other brothers or sisters then this would cause severe feelings of jealousy and we would inevitably end up competing for that attention (“love”). What my mum was especially good at was making sure that we all felt loved and attended to in equal measures, but I’ve seen many households where the same sort of equality didn’t exist between kids and that turned into a recipe for disaster.

Solving the Sibling Rivalry Conundrum

Though jealousy can’t be completely prevented, what my mum did so well was to instill a sense of fairness and parity amongst the siblings. We were taught to convert those negative feelings into ones of cooperativeness and altruism. In doing so, mum also taught us a valuable lesson about fearing rivals later in life (ie, instead of fearing, try to understand).

At the end of the day, siblings will feel competition and jealousy. That’s only normal. What is more important is how the child learns to resolve those feelings. For our family, the answer lay in communicating to each other. First of all, we had to explain what we wanted from each other. Then we were taught to listen and put ourselves into the other’s shoes. Looking at things from another perspective and learning to work cooperatively towards a solution were valuable lessons that we all learnt early in our lives.

And last, but not least, from as early as I can remember, we had to kiss and cuddle each other regularly; upon waking, upon coming home from school, before going to bed… and especially after fighting! It may have seemed strange at first (I really don’t remember) but it quickly became second nature and we all ended up very close and full of love for each other. (Though it did cause some murmurs of disapproval when our school peers witnessed our fights ending up with us hugging and “pashing” each other!)

The Positive Side Of Sibling Rivalry

Coming from the context of my family, there were good things that came out of our sibling rivalry. My parents managed to help the kids transform resentful feelings into cooperation and understanding. We learnt to put aside fear of the unknown and we learnt how to deal with stress. Learning to cope with the challenges of sibling rivalry taught us valuable life lessons such as sharing and conflict resolution… and we are quite comfortable expressing our feelings and emotions with one another.

So the lesson is: with patience and understanding, parents can help children that are struggling with sibling rivalry and jealousy. Figuring out a solution can be challenging, but with good communication, a willingness to listen, and an abundance of love and support in the family home, most rivalries can be transformed into enduring, worthwhile sibling bonds. They don’t say “blood is thicker than water” for nothing!

Part of the problem, of course, is that swearing and cursing is everywhere. It has permeated the very fabric of our society. It’s in the schools, it’s on TV, and – be honest – it may even be heard in your household too (perhaps even occasionally from you?). So it’s no surprise that children cursing is such a problem these days.

Personally, I don’t like it when I hear children swearing. Oddly enough, I don’t feel anything the same when it’s an adult swearing. Why is that? I was thinking about this seemingly hypocritical position, but I do see some reason in the logic. First and foremost, I thinking swearing (along with many other vices such as drinking, smoking etc) is perceived as “sinful” in a broad sense and children are innocent. So there’s a natural disconnect when it comes to kids swearing (or drinking or smoking). It’s just wrong. Also, there is the context of social acceptance. What I mean here is that it’s generally not considered acceptable for kids to swear and curse so when they do it reflects poorly on the parents.

So what can we do to delay (if we know we can’t stop forever) the cursing? Here are a few pointers on helping your kids keep their language clean.

You Are The First Role Model

Yes, you know this is true so you can’t shirk your responsibilities on this one! Although there is bound to be peer pressure on your kids, you are still the most important influence on his or her life. If you don’t want your kids to curse, it therefore follows that you’ll have to watch your own language. If you are not someone that curses, then great. If, however, you do let the odd expletive slip here or there, don’t beat yourself up about it. If the child heard, acknowledge the slip and apologize for the bad language.

It’s Better To Explain Than To Ignore

OK, it pretty obvious that a child is going to hear swear words and cursing at some stage. You can’t hide them from the world and you can’t prevent them hearing bad language. So one of my first rules is to acknowledge what they are hearing and ask if they have any questions about what it means. If you can explain why the words are offensive and how it affects people (ie it’s rude, threatening and makes people feel uneasy) then at least your child will understand why it’s bad for them to swear.

Set The Rules

If you don’t want your child to curse, say so! Be clear about what you expect from them and help them stay on the right path. For example, you could suggest more appropriate words that they should use if they are trying to make an impact. You can also introduce a “rewards & penalties” system. For example, by docking a % of his/her pocket money for every time they use a swear word and/or giving them more time before Saturday night curfew if they use good language.

Understand Your Child

Sometimes tweens and teens curse because they are seeking attention or they are wanting to distract adults from something else (poor school marks, for example). If your child swears because you are upset with their grades, don’t let the swearing take your focus off the real issue. Take time to sit down and talk with your kid about their behaviour and try and understand what is going on in their lives. It’s important that they understand you are always there for them, no matter what. If you think you need to enlist the help of a counselor to get to the bottom of the issue, contact your child’s school counselor. Or, contact your child’s pediatrician for additional assistance and recommendations.

These days, few kids get through childhood without saying a single curse word. If your child swears, don’t take it too hard. As long as you make it clear that such words are unacceptable, the chances of your child developing an incurable foul mouth are very slim. Your job is to help them use impressive and appropriate language as much as possible.

Here are a list of Do’s and Don’ts to help you along the way:

• Don’t overreact. If you make a big scene when your child utters a dirty word, there’s a good chance that it will reinforce the behavior. They could use the word again when they crave attention, or when they want to evoke a response.
• Do your best not to laugh. Whether you truly find it amusing or just giggle nervously, this could also cause a repeat occurrence. Your child will see that he made you laugh, and s/he might use the same word again when s/he wants to be funny.
• Don’t confront your child about swearing when they are angry or upset. This will only add fuel to the fire in most cases. Work through the problem at hand, and discuss the bad language at a calmer time.
• Do watch your own language a little more closely. Kids often pick up curse words at home, and if you use them frequently, they are more likely to think it’s acceptable to do so themselves.
• Don’t let them get away with it. Depending on their age and the circumstances an effective reward Vs penalty system can be enforced (time out, suspension of certain privileges or grounding may be appropriate).
• Do consider the context of the swear-word. Calling someone a bad name is much more hurtful than swearing because you tripped and fell. Both should be discouraged, but make sure the punishment fits the crime.
• Don’t be afraid of suggesting alternative words. There are plenty of words in the English language that are not so offensive, but still get the point across. You could even encourage your child to make up his own silly expressions to use instead of curse words.
• Do acknowledge whey you slip up and say a curse word. By apologizing you will set a good example for your child.

What it tells us is that, yes, parents can take much of the credit (or blame) for their children’s accomplishments (or not), but not for the reasons that most parents think! At the core of this chapter are the results of the US Department of Education’s ground-breaking study called the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study (ECLS), which tracked the progress of more than 20,000 American schoolchildren from kindergarten through to fifth grade (10 and 11 year olds).

What was particularly revealing were the correlations of the child’s test scores and the results of a questionnaire about the families’ habits, social-demographic and activities. Under Stephen and Steven’s rigourous analysis, they are able to make some very interesting observations about parenting technique and the effect it “really” has on the child.

For example, they claim that many of the foundational beliefs of modern parenting, don’t – according to the data – improve childhood test scores. Here are some of the parental factors that are referred to in the book and that the authors say are statistically proven to matter to the child’s test results or not:

•Matters: The child has highly educated parents.

•Doesn’t: The child regularly watches TV at home.

•Matters: The child’s parents have high income.

•Doesn’t: The child’s mother didn’t work between birth and kindergarten.

•Matters: The child’s parents speak English in the home.

•Doesn’t: The child’s parents regularly take him to museums.

•Matters: The child’s mother was 30 or older at time of the child’s birth.

•Doesn’t: The child parents are still together.

•Matters: The child’s parents are involved in the PTA.

•Doesn’t: The child is regularly spanked at home.

So, museum visits are no better than regular trips to the cinema, and whilst we are on the subject of film, watching TV doesn’t do any damage either! The most interesting conclusion is one that I find a bit disturbing; that parenting technique is actually overrated. Because what Levitt and Dubner prove is that the results your child will achieve are linked to who you as the parents are and not what you do.

OK, let me make an obvious observation here. The results are actually showing us that the children who achieve the best results come from “privileged homes”. For example, it wasn’t that they went to museums or weren’t allowed to watch TV, or that the family homestead was still intact, or even that the parents read to their child. Rather, it was that the parents took an active role in the child’s school life, that they had a higher income (it didn’t matter where they lived by the way) and that they were well educated themselves that made all the difference.

So actually, it’s not that parents don’t matter. Of course they do! The problem is that by the time most parents are thinking of having a child and start to read up on parenting techniques, it’s too late. The things that matter the most were decided long ago. What do you think?

A number of you have written in suggesting topics for our articles and what seems to be a common theme amongst some of our readers is that of “fussy eaters”. You probably know exactly what I’m talking about; kids who just don’t like the good, healthy food you are putting in front of them. Funnily enough, I think I can write quite competently on this challenging subject as I’ve experienced a fussy eater first hand! 

Do any of you recognise this parental struggle?

“My child has been a fussy eater for a while now and it appears that the list of “acceptable” foods is growing shorter by the week. The daily battles over food and meal times is really starting to get me down and sometimes a just want to give in… but I do want her to eat more than fries and chicken. What can I do?”

First things first 

If you have a fussy eater in the house, the chances are that the problem isn’t with the food(s) they are refusing to eat, per se. It sounds strange, I know, but the truth is the problem is in the child’s attitude to food in general. Our 6 year old – thankfully – has a broad palate and finds food interesting. She is at ease around food and enjoys eating. Mealtimes are great, because in general she’ll approach the table with a view that anything will be fine.

A fussy eater simply doesn’t have that kind of ease around food. Instead, food will ignite strong feelings for him or her. And it doesn’t matter what is happening with the food – it can be too salty, too sweet, too creamy, too thick, too gooey, it can be that two foods are touching on the plate, or that there is too much of a particular colour – the feelings are intense and emotionally charged.

So, if you’re expecting a fussy eater to think rationally about eating food, you can forget it! Insisting that food has to be eaten, trying to hide greens, and telling them they won’t get dessert are conventional parenting tactics that just don’t work in the long term.

Understanding child psychology

When a child exhibits a “bad” attitude towards food, this normally stems from a deep negative feeling that occurred early in childhood. In reality, that “bad” attitude is actually just a response that is borne out of fear or frustration, which can usually be traced to some sort of earlier trauma. Sometimes that trauma isn’t even food related. It sounds strange, I know, but let me explain.

Research has shown that kids who scream when a jumper is pulled over their heads are very often the same kids whose births were long and difficult. A simple everyday occurrence (taking off a jumper) triggers what seems like an abnormal response for the situation. What is actually happening is that a highly charged emotional memory is being activated.

If that emotional memory isn’t addressed, the fear or frustration can stay parked inside the child and his or her emotional makeup becomes saturated with triggers that can tip those feelings into play. And those triggers can migrate from having to take a jumper off, to being a fussy eater, for example.

Very often, children who are fussy eaters also have other emotional triggers; they don’t like getting dressed, they wake several times at night, they can’t sit at the dinner table for any length of time, or they don’t like having their hair washed. These are the tell tale signs that there is a deeper emotional memory that hasn’t been addressed yet.

What approach should you take with a fussy eater?

The good news is that, once you know what you are dealing with, tackling these seemingly irrational imbalances isn’t difficult. Pestering your child, holding your child to ransom, and forcing your child to eat certain foods are not – I repeat NOT – the actions that will help in the long term.

One of the most important things in this situation, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT FORCE FEED YOUR KIDS.

Whilst some of these short term tactics may deliver immediate results, they do not ease the child’s attitude about food. If anything, they will actually do more harm in the long term because they will perpetuate tension for the child (and parent) thereby affirming the negative emotional memory.

Instead, you should listen to your child and allow him or her to offload their feelings. By venting and releasing, the overall emotional charge from his/her fear will lessen. With the right approach, your child will gradually become better at sampling foods, and eventually even enjoy trying new foods (shock horror!).

Making food fun

No matter where the emotional memory has started, the first thing to do to start changing their attitude is to make things fun. When children are caught in a behavioural pattern that pits them against a certain activity (like eating), pushing them to do that one simple thing only increases the underlying tension and becomes a highly charged emotional event. In these situations, forcing the matter won’t do anything other than intensify the opposition against it. (Does this sound all too familiar? I know it does to me!)

So the first thing to do is play along with them. Make light of their behaviours. Perhaps even imitate your child’s attitudes toward food. Of course you have to do this playfully; you are not meant to be mocking them or making fun of them. In a light-hearted manner, try joining in with their disgust at the vegetables on the dinner table. Make funny faces at the brussel sprouts, stick out your tongue at the broccoli, say “eeww” at the mash potato and (maybe even) flick a carrot off your plate!

Your purpose here is to engender a light-hearted, fun, and playful approach to food. The aim is to get your kid laughing at the good-humour and having a fun time around meal time. In the long run, this type of laughter will have a healing affect and cancel out the negative connotations and aversions that are currently in place.

Once you start playing and having fun around food, your kid won’t feel singled out as the one with the problem. Instead, you will both be spending good humoured and light hearted time during meals. The food loses the focus, and that focus turns to the relationship between the two of you. Once that happens, your child will be left feeling uplifted that eating has become less serious, and you should see him or her become much more relaxed when it comes to eating.

Give the child a choice and get them involved

One really good way of tackling the fear a child may have around food is to get them child involved with choosing the meal and then making it. The best way I have found to do this involves taking a couple (2 or 3) paper plates, drawing lines across them and then writing down the parts of the meal in the separate quarters. You create a different meal for each plate and let the child decide which one they will have. For example, one plate may have chicken, peas, mash, sweet corn… another plate could have broccoli, fish fingers, carrots, couscous… the options are endless. A little tip: when you draw the different parts of the meal in the quarters of the paper plate, make it colourful and interesting (kids will find it much more appealing). That way you can ensure that your child has all the right components in their food (vegetables, nutrients, protein etc) and your kid has control over which plate they decide.

Once they have decided on their meal, you can now get them involved in the cooking. Kids love mashing potatoes, stirring pots, rolling out dough, and making cookies. Remember that anything that gets them involved with food will release any of the negative emotional triggers that they used to harbour. Baking a cake together is great way to involve a child in cooking. Personally, I remember there was nothing better than being able to lick the mixing bowl clean after making cookie dough!

Teach your child about the origins of food

Finally, I find by educating children about where food has come from, they lose some of the irrational fear surrounding it. Explain and show how fruit and veggies are grown in the earth… tell them that, just like people, they start off as a little seed and with the right care and love they grow into these beautiful plants bearing gorgeous fruits and vegetables. How amazing!

Once you start demystifying the world of food, children tend to be a lot more open to trying new things.

Keep things simple

Last, but not least, one of the common mistakes when encouraging children to try new foods is to make too big a deal of the whole thing. If a child feels under pressure or is the focus of attention during a stressful situation, they will naturally clam up (just like adults do). So the key is to keep things light-hearted and not make a scene. Even if they do start trying new foods, don’t start jumping up and down, hollering, and calling in the neighbours to witness the event! Just give them a gentle “well done” and then go on as normal… make them feel it is a perfectly natural thing to enjoy good food.

Take your time

Like most things, re-educating a child and changing a behavioural pattern can take time. Don’t expect that you’ll see your child make a U-Turn in their eating habits within a week! However, if you follow the guidelines above, with the right approach, patience, and light-hearted fun, I’m sure you will see a significant improvement in your child attitude towards food in the long run.

Why go green?

let me give you a couple of facts that may surprise you and even spurn you to action.

Did you know:

That Americans alone purchase 5 billion batteries a year
Those batteries will cause 146,000 Tons of waste each year

Many of these batteries come from toys so “how can we – as individual parents – make small decisions that have a positive impact on the environment?” Well, one such decision is about the toys or games you buy your children. It’s a little cliché but true nonetheless, your children and your children’s children will inherit the world that we create today. You know you’re going to give them a toy every now and then anyways, so why not buy your children environmentally friendly toys? Besides, green toys are so “in” this year that they come in all shapes and sizes, without chemicals or additives.

Eco-friendly toys are made from natural, safe materials which do not harm kids or the environment. So other than just benefiting the environment, if your child is at the age when they want to chew on anything and everything, you’ll want to be sure your child’s playthings are green and healthy!

How to go green?

You’re probably thinking that a) you’re not sure where to buy eco-friendly toys, and b) that these toys are going to be expensive. Here’s the good news: going green can actually save you lots of money… and it’s really easy to do when you know how.

Before you ask, here’s a little tick list to help you on the way:

1. The first thing to consider is whether you really need to buy something new

There are many unloved and unused toys and games in homes across Sydney. Rather than collecting dust, these might be donated to charity shops, sold at garage sales or Freecycled. When you next want to treat a child, you might consider collecting a toy from one of these sources.

Freecycling

I’ve only just been introduced to “Freecycling” and I think it’s a brilliant idea… and it’s FREE! Basically, you join an on-line community initiative that allows people to give away items that are no longer being used. Where I live (Sydney) there are many local Freecycle communities, but you don’t have to be in Sydney. You can find the community closest to you at www.freecycle.org. Join up (it’s all free) and then watch the messages arrive in your in-box. People give away everything on these lists, from Harry Potter dolls to bicycles to doll’s houses. If you are interested in an item, email a reply and wait for an answer. The owner looks at all responses and then chooses a recipient. In turn Freecycle offers you a chance to create some more space in your own home and reduce the impact on the environment caused by excessive manufacturing and waste processing.

Toy libraries

Something you may not have even considered, but does your child need to own a toy in order to enjoy it? Probably not. In fact, if I think of the number of “fad” toys that have come and gone I wish I’d thought about borrowing toys first from a toy library (exactly like borrowing books from normal library). Hey, if it turns out your child absolutely loves a particular toy, you can always see if someone is giving one away at your local freecycle community or – failing that – you could even purchase it!

Toy libraries are located in loads of places, google “toy library” in your area and you’re bound to get back a bunch of results.

2. The next thing you should remember is to buy good quality that will last

Hand in hand with the re-use mantra, is a commitment to buying good quality toys and games. A good quality toy will last for generations and can be re-used much more readily than a toy that will break or crack. Use the internet to read parent reviews or manufacturers’ product information. A toy that can be used in a variety of ways – an open ended toy, with no set answer or outcome – will foster imagination and invite more play. An age-appropriate game that requires higher level thinking or the use of strategic skills will engage young people for much longer than a game that is too easy or one dimensional.

3. Consider eco manufacturers

If the time has come to buy something new, there are some toy manufacturers that are seriously considering the environment in all aspects of their business. Look for items that are:
 
•    made with (at least some) recycled material content
•    made with wood that is FSC certified – comes from sustainably managed forests
•    made from materials in abundant supply, like bamboo and post-latex producing rubber wood
•    certified safe for children
•    certifiably organic
•    biodegradable
•    presented with minimal or recycled packaging
•    manufactured by a company with 14001ISO endorsement
•    Fair Trade certified
•    operated without the need for batteries
•    PVC, BPA, lead, Phthalate and petroleum free (including paint and glue used in packaging)
•    good quality – increasing the opportunity for re-use

The internet provides a world of information about eco-friendly toys, and there are several retailers in Australia that offer a range of toys that fulfil this criteria – including second hand and on-line toy shops. Think carefully when you next buy a toy and take a close look at the small print!

Fostering, on the other hand, is a way of providing family life for someone else’s child in your own home, when they are unable to live in their birth family for a variety of reasons. Many of the children in care have experienced losses and disruptions in their lives to a greater or lesser extent. Some children may have been traumatised, neglected or abused.

Unlike adoption, fostering is typically for a set period of time and involves shared caring… and the child remains the legal responsibility of the local authority and/or their birth parents. Most children in foster care return to their birth families at some point. Where this is not possible, the local authority will look at alternatives, such as other relatives, or adoption.

Who Can Be An Adoptive Or Foster Parent?

People who can provide a safe, nurturing home, meeting the emotional and physical needs of children can adopt or foster. Myths are that people must be young, a heterosexual couple, and economically well off. That’s no longer the case. Sure, you can be a young wealthy heterosexual couple, but single parents, over-50 parents and gay and lesbian families are also adopting and fostering. Our society is diverse, and so are the adoption and foster agencies that families determine to work with.

Advice For Foster and Adoptive Parents

Being a foster or an adoptive parent is the same as being a parent, but the circumtances which led you to that point differ. The important point, though, is that you are still the parent so the principles that govern good parenting apply to you too. Specific advice for adoptive and foster parents includes talking with your child about how they came into your care. There are, of course, other unique situations that occur within adoptive and foster families. These are the common aread to be aware of:

At Home. The first few days home with your new foster or adopted child are understandably the most hectic. So, try to be prepared ahead of time. While you can’t guess what all of your child’s and family’s needs will be over time, let’s work together to learn what has been done in other homes – successfully or unsuccessfully. I’ve discovered that I can learn from another parent’s failures as well as their successes.

At School. As foster and adoptive parents you should be able to attend parent teacher meetings and conferences. So make sure you are involved with the child’s education and schooling activities. Volunteering within the school can be an excellent way to provide support. Perhaps you could spend some time with the child working on a cover story. A cover story is something that the kids can tell others about why they are now in your home. This may also be needed for kids who are newly adopted. Children adopted internationally may be teased for an ethnic name, different appearance, or an accent. Foster children adopted over a summer may have to deal with a new last name and answering questions about why they could not go back home to birth parents.

In the Community. Parenting at home is one thing, out in the real world is another. How do you handle rude comments or innocent questions regarding your family? How do you handle your child, or yourself? Be prepared to answer difficult questions about the new child has come into your life.

Talking With Your Adopted or Foster Child. One of the toughest questions comes from children who have had to wait until their later years before their adoption (and in some cases fostering) have been disclosed to them. How do you avoid these problems? By talking about it early.

Years ago, the topic of adoption was taboo, even in households that embraced adopted children. Many adopted children grew up believing they were born to their adoptive parents. Fortunately, as the definition of “family” has broadened, the stigma surrounding fostering and adoption has lifted. That being the case, it is now much easier for families in this situation to be open and honest about the circumstances and to embrace adoption and fostering as something to be celebrated.

For more information on adopting or fostering you can go to:

www.fostertalk.org/

www.afteradoption.org.uk/

www.bemyparent.org.uk/

www.adopting.org/adoptions/adoption-resources-in-oceania-australia-and-new-zealand.html

apart from the time I accidently stepped on one of the school gerbils during playtime and my mate Tommy – thinking I had killed the creature and trying to save me from accusations of murder – decided to hide the body by flushing it down the toilet. It was a bad experience; the gerbil hadn’t actually died, but just been knocked out and the cold water obviously revived him just at the point where his life was precariously being flushed away. The poor thing started swimming for his life and recognising Tommy’s mistake I lunged for the toilet in a bid to save said gerbil from a watery demise. All would have been well if the story had ended there, but unfortunately our shenanigans had been heard by the Head Teacher who was passing by and now enters the toilets to see me, down on my knees, elbow in the bog, pulling a sodden and spluttering rodent from the u-bend. I can only assume he thought I had some perverse gerbil drowning fixation, because I got detention and I never had the courage (or wherewithal) to try and explain what had actually happened.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, “control”!

As we have seen from the above story, there are some things we will never be able to control. Parenting, however, ISN’T one of them. Of course I’m not saying that as parents we are always going to be in control. That would be nonsense and/or wishful thinking. What I am saying is that we can behave in certain ways that will ensure those times of “flow” (when life is like clockwork; everything is going well and your actions are working like a charm) far outweigh times of “wolf” (the reverse of flow).

Knowing what we can’t control

Let’s start with stating the obvious: we don’t have full control over our lives. That being the case, we have to acknowledge that on occasions things can happen to us and to our children which we would prevent if we could, but we can’t. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don’t have full control there. We and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of that control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what’s necessary.

Also, we don’t have absolute control over our children’s behaviour. It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. Sure, we do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn’t mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it necessarily follow that a child whose behaviour is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things (though that can be the cause sometimes). And unless we bring our children up in a vacuum, they are always going to be subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control; their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with other people, frightening incidents… the list goes on.

On occasion (and I hope this is the exception to the rule), we sometimes don’t even have control over our own behaviour. Terrible isn’t it? It’s one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts–whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, “talking back” when we’re trying to gain control. We each have our personal thresholds, past which lose power over our own behaviour. That’s just life.

Understanding what control we should have

I think goals that we parents can reasonably set for ourselves are to a) enjoy our children, to b) recognise you and your children are on a journey together and therefore to c) keep learning throughout that journey. These are things that we can control and that will ensure we are on the right track. If we are learning, then we know how to be in charge of some things, and we are figuring all the rest of it out in a sometimes messy, haphazard way. As parents, some “I’m learning, not controlling” strategies can be immensely helpful.

For example, actively notice what’s fun, what’s good, and what is working well. Our minds get so fixed on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of who we like, what goes well, and the little things we learn. It may help to put a list on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, where a few words of what was good each day can be written down for all to see. Some families start dinner with a round of “what was good today?” so that the children get to join in, and have the chance to have the whole family listen to their experience.

Welcome your children’s feelings. Feelings are a big part of children’s lives, and expressing these feelings is how children recover from the hard things, big and small, that happen to them. Crying, tantrums, and laughter all are deeply healing for children. Expressing these emotions at length gets rid of children’s feelings that their lives aren’t good enough. When they’re finished, they regain their sense of loving and being loved. It helps if you can get close and listen to them through the stormy upsets, but if you can’t, see if it’s possible to keep from criticizing, shaming, hurting, or blaming them while they get the sad or the mad feelings out.

If you find that you are losing control more often than you would like, try and find a listener for your own feelings. Parents have feelings, too, which unfortunately we often tuck away as if they didn’t exist. Indeed, some people equate the “tucking away” of feelings to being “in control” of our lives! Rubbish! The problem is that feelings don’t tuck well forever. If our worries, frustrations, and anger doesn’t get released, at some point something will finally give, and that’s worse. Much better to find a supportive ear (your partner, your parents, your friends) and use them to talk to. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we’re trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our step and help us remember that we are only human and probably – in the bigger scheme of things – doing a pretty good job, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don’t have at the moment.

When there are things you can’t control, make a mental note and spend some time (whenever is convenient) trying to figure it out. Talk to others about it. There are many things that happen during my day that I don’t understand. Why won’t my child willingly brush her teeth? Why is she scared of the dark? Why does my tween sister suddenly think I’m the dorkiest person she’s ever known? Hey, I don’t have the answers to these questions right now, but when the time is right I’ll do some research into them. Being open about what we don’t know is an excellent learning strategy. It makes us active seekers of information and understanding. And I’ve found it’s totally fine to be open with children when we don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do about you refusing to keep your room clean. I’m thinking about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow” is a fine approach to a problem with a child. And now that you’ve bought some time, you can ask some other people to see if they have any good ideas (or call your mum and ask what she did when you didn’t clean your room).

Never be afraid to ask for help. Building bridges, operating a supermarket, providing intensive care nursing, and raising children are just some of the kinds of work that are always done better when you have a team of people working towards a common purpose. Any experienced parent will tell you that every parent needs time away from their children, every parent needs others to care about their children, every parent needs people to think and talk with about the details of life with children. Every parent needs help!

Don’t forget to have fun

When it really comes down to it, you’re probably better off throwing expectations overboard. It’s great when you feel you are in control, but when you’re working too hard to appreciate yourself or anyone else, sometimes it’s better to let control take a back seat. Hey, it’s OK if the house is messy for a few weeks… you know what, your child (and partner) isn’t going to die if they miss a hot meal or two… and you can always make up with in-laws or friends you slighted because you missed a birthday or luncheon. You get to decide what’s really necessary and what’s not, and keeping up appearances while parenting is often a joy-killer. You have permission to let things get ragged, and still be proud of yourself, your family, and your decisions.

The most important thing is that you enjoy parenting (for the most part). Set up play that includes laughter. Children love to laugh, and when we are willing to play with them so they can laugh (without tickling them!), they become buoyant and hopeful. It’s infectious. We see them wriggling with enjoyment, coming toward us for fun and lots of contact, and we can’t help but be pleased. We have lots to learn from children about how a really good life has time for play, wrestling, chasing, where the grownups may “lose,” but everyone wins back their sense that it’s good to be alive. Without the effort to stay in control, it’s often easier to find the joy in things again and then the control will come. Remember, people, it’s all about balance.

I’ve been asked by a number of people to put something together that is relevant for families splitting up. This is a really difficult topic to write about, mainly because it’s find to hard the positives and I prefer to write about things that leave you feeling uplifted. That said, I recognize that this is an important topic and something the affects many families… so I’ll do my best!

I think it’s important to start with stating the obvious: children thrive on the connection they have with their parents. There is no doubt that a kid’s need for their parents is strong and constant throughout childhood and it is in a secure environment of love and security that children learn. With these foundations in place, their young minds are able to experiment and play. They are able to enjoy themselves without reservation, and this is underpinned by the trust and safety they feel in those that are closest to them (their parents).

So they question is, how easy is it to break that sense of connection and safety? To be honest, I think it’s actually quite difficult AS LONG AS you do the basics right. Making sure that you show unconditional love and support for your kids is one. Being there for them when they need you is another (you have to be present in their lives).

At a young age you can see that a child’s sense of connection and safety is a fragile thing, and at some point, because of this fragility, every child will experience some sadness about separation. Even things like going to bed, or turning away to do the dishes can cause that feeling. That is fine and only natural. Over time, a child becomes more independent and won’t need as much of their parent’s attention and then these insignificant moments of separation mean nothing. Why? Because the child has become confident in the love and security of the parents.

This holds true about a family break-up. If the parents have been consistent in the love and support they have shown to their children, then – although a divorce or split is always a difficult – the separation will have a minimal affect on the children involved.

How to minimize the effect of divorce and separation

Many families face the challenge of divorce or separation; it’s a part of today’s reality. Whatever the causes of the separation, and whatever the circumstances, it’s hard on everyone involved. Parents want the best for their children and they want their children to thrive, but sometimes – in order for that to happen – big changes must be made.

Your role as the parent is to help your child heal from the feelings he or she has about the separation. As you take these steps, he or she will develop confidence and learn to assimilate and process those feelings and in doing so will gain extra abilities to explore the world and take advantage of friendships that they will encounter throughout their lives.

Children need to be able to discuss their fears about separation and should feel able to cry about the sadness they feel. It is quite understandable that they should feel this way and while they cry, they need the love and care of someone who offers them warmth and safety. Children whose feelings are listened to become more confident, feel closer to their parents, and feel closer to the people who listened while they cried.

Understanding the source of the child’s hurt

There are three basic sources of hurt for children when their parents separate:

1. One is the loss of the family configuration that has anchored them.
2. The second is that children will feel and manifest the emotions that the parents are going through (which are often raw and unhappy).
3. The third is that the end of a living arrangement a child trusts and feels safe in forces the loss of innocence and they can subsequently feel that the world they felt secure and welcome in is coming to an end.

Understanding these sources will help you manage the way you act through the separation and ensure you keep your child’s best interests at heart.

How to ease the hurt

As parents who have decided to separate, it’s important that you listen to your child’s feelings about the custody arrangements, and take those feelings into consideration. However, to leave children in charge of custody arrangements is too much like forcing them to choose sides. It is your priority to the make the decisions about how and when custody is shared.

If your child is longing for the other parent while he or she is with you, listen to their feelings and show understanding and provide comfort. This will strengthen your child’s relationship with you, and will help him/her overcome the stored feelings about separation that have been triggered by the current situation.

At transition times, make time for children’s feelings to be heard. It’s healthy for children to have upsets when going from one parent to another. These are the times when the reminder that things aren’t the same is strongest. Far better to have a child who can powerfully cry that he doesn’t want to leave, or doesn’t want to stay with the parent he’s going to, than to have a child who swallows his feelings and winds up either subdued and separate or aggressive because he or she has too many feelings to manage.

Often, children can fully feel their love for a parent directly after a huge cry about how they don’t want to be with him or her! Don’t worry; those experiences will help build a bond between you. Although it’s not pleasant to hear that your beloved child doesn’t want you, if those are the feelings stuck inside, then your fastest way to a closer relationship is to assist your child to cry or rage until s/he’s done. Stay calm, listen, and reassure them that no matter what they say, you will always love them and always be there for them.

 
Always make sure that your child knows that BOTH parents love him/her. Unfortunately, some family splits mean that a child can lose all contact with a parent. If this can be avoided then it should. It’s hard to explain human frailty to children, because it breaks our hearts to see them hurt by it. But we need to let them know that it’s not their fault that their parents aren’t able to be together. By keeping the contact with both Mother and Father, the affects of the break-up are minimised.

To ensure you are helping the child with the separation you must add more warmth and connection around the time when “good-bye” must be said. That includes warmth, eye contact, and laughter, which will all help strengthen the child’s sense of connection. If there is a tearful good-bye, offer your warmth and support as the child cries, trembles, and struggles. This process of showing feelings fully with someone who will listen is natural, healthy, and deeply beneficial to the child. The longer the parent stays, the safer it will be for the child to show the feelings of desperation he or she has.

These are the steps to follow when saying goodbye:

• Stay close, but not too close. You want the child to feel your support, but also to feel the separation he is afraid of.
• Offer him eye contact and affection. If he or she burrows into you and stops crying, move them gently so that they can see you.
• Listen to their tears and fears until they have finished, if you can. This is the fastest way for children to regain their confidence that all is well. For children who have big anxieties, crying with a safe person for thirty to sixty minutes at first is common. Repeated cries over several days or weeks may be necessary to relieve all of the child’s fears.
• Show confidence. Tell him/her that the other parent will take good care of them and that you’ll be back soon.
• If possible, allow repeated good-byes. Let the two parents linger, saying, “it’s time for me/us to go now.” This allows the child to keep showing you how sad or desperate he or she feels in the safest context possible — with the parent nearby.

Helping the child come to terms with separation and divorce

There are a few commitments that separating parents can make that will shield their children from some of this hurt. These are commonsense commitments, but in a heated situation, they take work to remember. A parent needs to consciously add support and resource to his or her life to keep steering him or herself in a direction that benefits the children. Keep these mantras for yourself at front of mind:

When children are present, I will speak and act respectfully toward my child’s other parent, his or her family, and friends. Children are not at all equipped to listen to parents’ negative feelings about each other. No matter what the other parent has or has not done, children are far better off when parents act respectfully toward one another in their presence.

When children are present, I will not display my upsets about their other parent. We humans have a million ways to convey what we’re feeling. When we’re upset, we roll our eyes, heave loud sighs, grunt, stomp, slam, throw up our hands, clench our fists: the litany of expressions of upset is long. None of this is verbal, but all of it is hard on children. They are built to see the expression of love, confidence and relaxed cooperation. Separating parents don’t need to put up a false front, but they do need to model simple decency toward one another.

When children are present, I will not conduct extended arguments with my child’s other parent. Parents can’t help but have differences of opinion and arguments. And some arguments, conducted with ground rules that ban attacks on character and categorical statements, can actually help to rebuild a sense of caring. But in a family that is thoughtful of its children, the meaty part of a fight will be conducted out of earshot of the children.

I will not recruit my child to agree with my grievances about their other parent. A separation is painful enough for children, without the additional pressure to side with one parent or another. Children love both their parents, and want the best for both their parents. It is heartbreaking to a child to have to choose between them. Don’t make your child do that, it will only backfire!

To the best of my ability, I will not assume the role of a victim. Each parent in a separation feels like a victim, and some are quick to cast blame for the breakup on the other party. It is better to forget about blaming someone and moving on as quickly and as positively as possible. Thinking of ourselves as victims tends to keep us from pulling up our socks and building good into our lives in every way that we can.

Working hard at keeping these commitments gives children maximum exposure to their parents’ good will and caring, and minimum exposure to adults in emotional upheaval, and therefore unable to put the children’s interests first.

At the end of the day, it is important that you (as the parents) are happy in your life and if separation or divorce is something that you need to go through, just make sure that you move on with a positive outlook. At least that way, you can show your child the care and love they deserve in the right way. They will love you more for it in the long term, trust me. Sure, it can be hard, but if you stay true to these guidelines I’m sure that you will grow closer to your child and together you can get on with enjoying the rest of the future together.