In a nutshell, a “blended family” is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. It may surprise you, but 65% or remarriages include children from a previous relationship, so the number of “blended families” joining together to make a new group is increasing rapidly.

Often, there are many challenges that parents need navigate through when considering introducing a new partner and their family. For example; when to make the introduction, how make the meeting happen, and how to act when it does? A parent who has seen his or her child react with pain or anger at having to meet the other parent’s new partner, may be especially wary about letting the child know that he or she has also fallen in love with someone new. And what finally happens should the new partner want to have a child of their own?

Be prepared that most new blended families will have plenty of teething troubles to deal with, but remember you and your partner have decided to blend together to make a fresh start and a new family. If love is there, and plenty of patience and understanding, then together you will know that you have been blessed with a second chance. Take it.

Here are 4 points to facilitate the adjustment and reduce stress:

1. Have An Extended Courting Period

The purpose of courtship is to ensure compatibility prior to marriage. When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture and their own rituals. So it’s important to take your time and have a meaningful courtship process, where the adults and children can use the time to learn and experience their family differences. By taking your time and establishing kids’ and parents’ relationships whilst courting, there are no surprises and everyone can determine compatibility, adaptation and change. You may wonder what is a reasonable period for such courtship and I’m afraid I can’t answer that because it is different for every blended family. I read one “blended family couch” espousing a 2 year courtship period and I have to say that seemed like a VERY long time to me. I think a year would probably be reasonable. The point is that you want to remove the guess work out of the equation. Experiencing and planning for these events such as how the kids will respond and adapt to the changes will reduce the risk of failure. To that end, courtship will give some clue as to what to expect after blending and give you time to plan.

2. Determine Appropriate Names & Manners Towards The New Spouse

Once you have married your new partner, you will need to think about how the kids will address and even engage with their new stepparent. For some children, the enormous emotional adjustment in having to refer to your new partner as “mum” or “dad” is simply too much to handle. The trick is to find something that everyone feels comfortable with. My “blended” parents suggested using the French or German word for dad, and in the end that’s what felt best. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The degree to which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the greater the likelihood of a smooth transition. Names do matter, and showing respect can go a long way to facilitating adjustment.

3. Find an Upside for the Kids

The choice to marry is based upon the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child’s perspective, he or she may perceive that they are losing their parent to the new partner. Furthermore, he or she may now have to share other family resources, and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, these kind of changes can be very unsettling and can cause children to begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. It’s therefore important to show the upside as much as possible. Share good times, go out and do fun things together, take a holiday with the new blended family and be positive. By showing your children the benefits of this wonderful new family, you will help reduce any angst they may be feeling.

4. Determine Family Responsibilities & Authority

Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and agree on the roles each will have regarding the care, management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance, explaining the position to the children and then ensuring you follow through with the rules and parameters will help the children adapt to the new family structures. A new stepparent can be a wonderful thing for children and quite often the stepchildren may see the person in the family as a “friend” or “big brother or sister”. That’s fine as long as the new partner is happy taking on such a role. That, personally, wouldn’t have worked for me so when I entered into my blended family, I made sure my position as a parent was explained to my stepdaughter. It’s not about replacing her dad, so to speak, but setting the parameters for the relationship we have. I’m delighted to say that she and I have a wonderful connection. We have a lot of fun together, but she also respects my role as a parent to her. A role I take very seriously and recognise the responsibilities that entails.

Those are my thoughts on achieving a happily blended family. Before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. Know your roles and authorities, communicate openly and make sure there are plenty of up-sides for the children.

If we do that, we are sure to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children. So if you are a single parent, go ahead and enjoy finding your new partner and working on a new relationship. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment, and I’m sure things will work out for the best. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion, but it’s worth it.

Fostering, on the other hand, is a way of providing family life for someone else’s child in your own home, when they are unable to live in their birth family for a variety of reasons. Many of the children in care have experienced losses and disruptions in their lives to a greater or lesser extent. Some children may have been traumatised, neglected or abused.

Unlike adoption, fostering is typically for a set period of time and involves shared caring… and the child remains the legal responsibility of the local authority and/or their birth parents. Most children in foster care return to their birth families at some point. Where this is not possible, the local authority will look at alternatives, such as other relatives, or adoption.

Who Can Be An Adoptive Or Foster Parent?

People who can provide a safe, nurturing home, meeting the emotional and physical needs of children can adopt or foster. Myths are that people must be young, a heterosexual couple, and economically well off. That’s no longer the case. Sure, you can be a young wealthy heterosexual couple, but single parents, over-50 parents and gay and lesbian families are also adopting and fostering. Our society is diverse, and so are the adoption and foster agencies that families determine to work with.

Advice For Foster and Adoptive Parents

Being a foster or an adoptive parent is the same as being a parent, but the circumtances which led you to that point differ. The important point, though, is that you are still the parent so the principles that govern good parenting apply to you too. Specific advice for adoptive and foster parents includes talking with your child about how they came into your care. There are, of course, other unique situations that occur within adoptive and foster families. These are the common aread to be aware of:

At Home. The first few days home with your new foster or adopted child are understandably the most hectic. So, try to be prepared ahead of time. While you can’t guess what all of your child’s and family’s needs will be over time, let’s work together to learn what has been done in other homes – successfully or unsuccessfully. I’ve discovered that I can learn from another parent’s failures as well as their successes.

At School. As foster and adoptive parents you should be able to attend parent teacher meetings and conferences. So make sure you are involved with the child’s education and schooling activities. Volunteering within the school can be an excellent way to provide support. Perhaps you could spend some time with the child working on a cover story. A cover story is something that the kids can tell others about why they are now in your home. This may also be needed for kids who are newly adopted. Children adopted internationally may be teased for an ethnic name, different appearance, or an accent. Foster children adopted over a summer may have to deal with a new last name and answering questions about why they could not go back home to birth parents.

In the Community. Parenting at home is one thing, out in the real world is another. How do you handle rude comments or innocent questions regarding your family? How do you handle your child, or yourself? Be prepared to answer difficult questions about the new child has come into your life.

Talking With Your Adopted or Foster Child. One of the toughest questions comes from children who have had to wait until their later years before their adoption (and in some cases fostering) have been disclosed to them. How do you avoid these problems? By talking about it early.

Years ago, the topic of adoption was taboo, even in households that embraced adopted children. Many adopted children grew up believing they were born to their adoptive parents. Fortunately, as the definition of “family” has broadened, the stigma surrounding fostering and adoption has lifted. That being the case, it is now much easier for families in this situation to be open and honest about the circumstances and to embrace adoption and fostering as something to be celebrated.

For more information on adopting or fostering you can go to:

www.fostertalk.org/

www.afteradoption.org.uk/

www.bemyparent.org.uk/

www.adopting.org/adoptions/adoption-resources-in-oceania-australia-and-new-zealand.html

Not to be overly simplistic, however, I recognise that from those all important first steps to the years of forging a relationship, each case is different and takes it own time. These are my views and experiences; feel free to share yours at the end of this post.

First and foremost let’s be clear about step-parenting. Unlike a first marriage, the union that creates a stepfamily is almost always the result of a traumatic and negative experience: divorce, a split in the family unit or death. Unless we understand that, and deal with the raw emotions arising from the event, we’re unlikely to achieve the harmony we crave in a second marriage and stepfamily.

Can A Step Parent Ever Replace A Real Parent?

It goes without saying that in a perfect world children are best raised in a harmonious family experience with both biological parents. Sadly, this is not always possible and in many cases a happy and secure environment in a stepfamily may well be preferable to the misery and uncertainty of living with parents at war with each other.

So, in a nutshell, “NO”, a step parent should never seek to replace a real parent but to understand the context of why the first family unit broke down and respect that the child in this equation may assume (and often do) that they are to blame for that breakdown. A step parent shouldn’t try and mask these feelings, because as underlying emotions they need to be acknowledged and worked out just like any other serious “loss”.

Three Cs To Ensure You Connect

The important point is to build a happy, harmonious stepfamily which doesn’t replace the original family unit but rather stands by itself and is valued on its own merits. In order to do this, one should focus on what the best-selling author, Mel Menzies, refers to as the “three Cs of successful marriages” (which are, actually, common to all relationships). They are: Commitment; Communication; Cementing.

Your communication of these elements to your step child is paramount in laying the foundations for building a strong and healthy relationship. As human’s we are born dependent upon others. A child’s survival depends upon their parents and that instinct continues for many years. The basic needs for shelter, food, and love remain unabated. As a step parent it is incumbent upon us to provide these basics – to give an unconditional sense of security that these needs will always be met.

For example, moving your toothbrush into the bathroom helps – but isn’t quite enough. Dad’s (or mum’s) belongings used to be there and that didn’t stop them moving out. Starting afresh with a new jointly-owned property is a very good move (pardon the pun). Not only is it a statement of commitment, but it also provides the family with a mutually neutral territory. Continued verbal affirmation helps to convince a spouse and a child that they’re loved – but it needs to be sincere; and it needs to be persistent.

Step Parenting Advice

First and foremost, focus on a shared activity. Engaging in sports activities, going shopping, gardening, walks, cooking and helping with homework are all excellent ways to appreciate your stepchild’s skills whilst also allowing the two of you to bond. Some more unusual activities might have you worried that you’ll look silly and may therefore be somewhat daunting, but a fall when you are out ice-skating may serve to break the ice!

Rather than focusing on the conflicts in your home (and there will be conflicts), invest your energy in creating good times. During the good times when everyone is happy, bonded and relaxed, you can gently and positively bring up the difficulties and ask your children, step children and spouse what each person in the family can do to help resolve the problem. In this way, you make everyone feel that they are part of the solution.

Strive to be more reflective, insightful, compassionate and humane. Focus on the areas in which you need to grow as a parent and a human being and your children and step children will follow your lead.

In the end, fathering and mothering are a result of the time and effort we put into it. It is true that anyone can be a biological parent. But we all know of far too many cases where there are natural parents but no true parenting. Step parenting is always a conscious choice, whereby biological parenthood may be accidental. So, go slow, take your time, communicate, negotiate and compromise… and remember, there will always be certain things that are beyond your control, so accept what cannot be changed.