Personally I’m torn. It’s not that I want my children to turn into mini Margaret Thatchers, but neither do I want them to end up in a world of debt and financial strife because they are unable or unequipped to understand how to manage money from a young age.

In our household, we introduced the concept of earning money with the use of a Chore Sheet (not quite a balance sheet!) and as long as our child completes all the chores within a week timeframe, they get paid “pocket money” at the end of the week.

We felt this was a sensible way of familiarizing her with the idea of working for your money and also ensuring that she understands that chores (by their very nature) can often be stuff you don’t necessarily want to do, but in doing so you get a reward. In addition, we’ve tried to make the “pocket money” value, big enough that she can buy herself a small treat or two each week, but small enough to mean she has to save if she sets her sights on bigger goals. (By bigger goals, I mean something akin to a Nintendo DS, not an Aston Martin DBS).

This all sounds innocent enough, until our daughter asked the inevitable question about loans and advancements! How do you explain to a 7 year old the concept of interest and the relative value of self-amortising loans? And then there was case of “administration charges”! In the end I agreed to advance her 1 month’s worth of pocket money, but she had to do an extra week of chores for the privilege (and if she reneged on any week of chores during the advancement period, she would need to double it before she was back into pocket money territory). It felt like a good lesson and a fair deal!

We have also opened an account for our daughter and we are now thinking about having a (very) small part of our wages deposited into a linked savings account. But even children’s accounts these days are full of questions and caveats:

• Bank Manager – “does she anticipate maintaining a balance of over $100,000 for the life of the account”?
• Me – “are you kidding… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer higher levels of interest over account flexibility?”
• Me – “Come again… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer transacting by internet or in person?”
• Me –“She’s…” well, you get the idea.

I do wonder are we doing the right thing? Is it wrong to try and burden kids with the concept of financial responsibility, or is it wrong not to provide a good financial base for your kids? All in all, though, I think the introduction of financial concepts (basic at this stage, but I’m sure it’ll get more complex as she gets older and asks more questions) has been a success for us. For the first time since I can remember, our daughter is now asking if she can “double-up” her chores?! She’s certainly understood that effort = reward. I’m wondering when I have to have that fateful conversation about household productivity and having to let someone go!

The experience at school, with its new challenges, interaction with other children, and opportunities to master powerful skills like reading and math, should be exciting and fun for kids. So imagine my surprise when I heard our 7 year old saying that they thing she liked best about school was that the teachers listened to her! How simple and yet how profound.

What does a child need in order to learn?

What our little girl brought to life is that children can learn only when they feel safe and welcome. At school this means they need to know that their teachers like them and think they’re special. They need to know that they won’t be bullied or made fun of on the playground or in the hallways. They need encouragement, high expectations, and a good deal of fun.

Once these basics are met then they can relax enough to absorb information and new skills. Just as in the home environment, children need kindness, affection, and some measure of one-on-one time if they are ever going to develop. For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that the emotional needs of children are met both at home and in the schools.

That got me thinking about specific things I do to ensure my daughter feels loved at home. Let me list what I think are the essentials:

Plenty of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels her confidence and frees her mind of little worries.

Plenty of fun stuff and learning through play. In my experience children learn best through play and hands-on activities. Not just at home, but also at school. The classrooms that seem to be the most effective are the ones where children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they’ve learned.

The freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. In our household we try not to think of them as “mistakes” and/or “failures”, but rather a learning.

To be treated fairly. A child’s keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means there are limits and boundaries, but it doesn’t mean you belittle them or attack them when they cross the boundary.

When a child isn’t able to concentrate or to learn, there’s usually an emotional issue that blocks their progress. This is the position children are normally in when they aren’t doing well at school. When they can’t write a story, can’t memorize their times tables, or can’t sit down to their homework, they feel upset, and often scared. That being the case, the first thing I want from a school and my children’s teachers is to ensure my child is feeling safe, welcome, and wanted

That then got me thinking about what the school is responsible for. Whilst schools should be able to provide an environment that children are feel emotionally safe in, schools are not solely set up to help children with the tensions that keep them from learning and getting along. This is a job we parents need to do.

Children want their parents to be the ones to listen

The dilemma is that children need more one-on-one attention while they are learning; this is only natural when you think about it. But unfortunately, it’s at school (where most of the learning is meant to take place) that children need to compete for the attention of just one adult. If we ever get to the point where schools are genuinely supportive to children, we’ll probably look back at present class sizes, at the lack of support for teachers, and at the lack of services for children experiencing difficulties in learning, and think of conditions in our times as rather primitive!

Since these conditions are what they are, almost every child will experience some difficult times in school. It’s inevitable. So here are a few guiding principles that you may find helpful when they hit a hard patch.

It doesn’t help to blame your child, yourself, or the teacher for the difficulty. You aren’t to blame. Your child isn’t to blame. The teacher is not to blame. No matter who has made mistakes, the heart of the matter is the lack of support and assistance for everyone involved.

First, listen to your child about the difficulty. He or she is obviously feeling hurt and upset, and they can’t solve the problem in that state. See if you can be warm and positive enough to help them work the through the pain. For example, children can often work through their feelings of victimization and come up with their own solutions to troubles at school, if they have the chance to offload the feelings in big, hard cries at home.

Let your child be in charge of the solutions. After your child has shed big feelings of upset, and after you’ve spent some time just being close to him or her, ask what he or she wants to do. Listen carefully. There may be a role you can play in advocating for him or her with the teacher or helping him or her talk with his or her friends. But don’t assume that because your child brought their feelings to you, that they want you to take charge of the situation. Many times, children can think of how they want to take charge after one or several good cries.

If you do decide to take matters to the teachers or other children make sure you get the whole story first. If your child does want you to approach a teacher or other students, listen well before you attempt to find solutions. A teacher, principal, or student needs to have their side of the story heard before they will be able to change a viewpoint or cooperate toward a fresh solution. If things aren’t working well, they feel badly about it, even if they’re acting like they don’t. Fresh, workable behavior comes only from a mind that’s been freed a bit from its troubles by a good listener, a listener who cares about all the parties involved.

At the end of the day, school should be a place of fun and comfort as well as a insitute for learning. This shouldn’t be surprising given that the children are most able to absorb and retain information when they feel secure and safe.

Despite the global financial crisis and the fact that many people have been “doing it tough” for the past year or so, nannies still remain a popular option for many families looking  for a convenient, safe and flexible childcare option.

So what are the advantages of using a nanny?

Nannies provide one-on-one care in the family home, so it is less stressful and uprooting for the child receiving care that going to a day care center, for example. Also, because of the low ratio of child to carer, the child benefits from plenty of attention and stimulation, and is more likely to form an emotional bond with a nanny.

Employing childcare in the home has the added advantage of keeping the child on familiar turf, which in turn helps children adjust more easily to parents returning to work. A kid may find the absence of a parent upsetting, but at least the safety of family home remains the same.

In addition, nannies give the parent comfort that their child or children are receiving one-to-one care from a skilled practitioner in childcare. Further to their general childcare experience, a well qualified nanny will also have studied child nutrition, health and safety, learning through play, and will also be well versed in the emotional, social, physical, linguistic, and intellectual development of your children.

Knowing how useful a good nanny or manny can be, the next question is…

How do I find a good nanny?

This is the one part of the equation that is absolutely critical, because as much as a good nanny can be godsend to both you and your children, a bad nanny can do just as much harm. Most parents wouldn’t think about compromising on the care of their children, but finding the best carer you can will take time, patience, and fair amount of resourcefulness.

1 – Make A List Of What You Want

This is an important starting point, because without knowing what you need your nanny for, you won’t be able to look in the right places. First talk to your partner about what you are trying to achieve by sourcing a nanny; will they be taking your child to school, preparing meals, helping them with homework, playing with them, taking them to after-school activities? Will the nanny be living with you and for what period of time? Once you have know what you are looking for you can prepare a list of questions you can refer to when interviewing prospective candidates.

2 – Do Your Research

This will be the most time consuming part of the exercise so be prepared to give yourself plenty of “search” time before you need the nanny to start! There are many internet resources to help put you in touch with nannies; from agencies to professionals who advertise direct. In my opinion, a personal reference is always a preference so ask around and spread the word. You can also put up your own adverts in baby clinics, schools, colleges and on notice boards.

3 – The Application Process

Once you have done the research, you should have a list of applicants for the job and this is where you need to put them all through a rigorous process. Ask questions from the list you made in step one. Find out about the experiences and their child raising philosophies. Be sure to see them at work with your child so you can see how the two of them interact… and of course CHECK THEIR REFEREES. My advice is to always trust your gut instinct; if everything seem right but you still feel something is a little amiss, then trust yourself and continue the search.

4 – Test Run

By the time you have gone through steps 1 to 3, you should now have a good shortlist of nannies for your kid(s). The final step is to do a trial run with each of them. Ask each of them to come to your home one at a time and watch them at work with your child. There’s no better way to help make a decision to see them at work for yourself.

If chosen well, a nanny can be a wonderful help in the task of raising your children. They will assist in meeting the social, intellectual and emotional needs of your kids. They will help them develop and stay healthy  and stimulated. In addition, a nanny will also provide assistance with the domestic routines related to your children, including changing beds and cleaning bedrooms, washing, and ironing their clothes, and making their meals whilst in their care. If you decide a nanny (or manny) is for you, make sure you and your children get best you can.

Sibling rivalry is a real, powerful emotion that cannot be wished away. It’s a part of growing up with brothers and sisters. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. For the sake of a comparison, imagine that your partner comes home one day with another lover. Your partner explains that (s)he still loves you, but this new person is going to live with you all now as well. And to make things worse, the new person is needier than you are so they are going to take up a lot of your partner’s time, sorry!

Birth Order

Apparently, when my younger brother was born, I would try to talk passers-by into taking him with them. I’m told that I berated the midwife for leaving her baby with my family! I was the eldest (of what became a very large family) and rivalry is often more intense in the firstborn, because he or she has been used to the spotlight without competition. A later child comes into the world already learning to share their parent’s time and attention. This doesn’t mean that subsequent children don’t have feelings of jealousy towards other siblings, because they can and do. It really depends on how the parents handle the situation.

Age Matters

No matter what the age of the child, jealousy and competition (the two major causes of sibling rivalry) will inevitably be emotions that they have to contend with. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how hard parents try to be fair to their children, every child will feel, at one point or another, feelings of jealousy toward their sibling or siblings. Generally speaking, though, experts believe jealousy of a newborn is strongest in children under five years. That’s because up until the age of 5, a kid is much more dependent on his parents and has fewer interests outside the family circle. Once the child hits 6, they have begun to build a position for themselves among circles outside of the family (such as with friends and at school). Therefore, being pushed out of the limelight at this stage doesn’t “hurt” so much.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Exist?

It really comes down to the child(ren) seeking the attention of the parents. With me and my siblings, if mum gave more attention (what we, as kids, thought was “love”) to one of the other brothers or sisters then this would cause severe feelings of jealousy and we would inevitably end up competing for that attention (“love”). What my mum was especially good at was making sure that we all felt loved and attended to in equal measures, but I’ve seen many households where the same sort of equality didn’t exist between kids and that turned into a recipe for disaster.

Solving the Sibling Rivalry Conundrum

Though jealousy can’t be completely prevented, what my mum did so well was to instill a sense of fairness and parity amongst the siblings. We were taught to convert those negative feelings into ones of cooperativeness and altruism. In doing so, mum also taught us a valuable lesson about fearing rivals later in life (ie, instead of fearing, try to understand).

At the end of the day, siblings will feel competition and jealousy. That’s only normal. What is more important is how the child learns to resolve those feelings. For our family, the answer lay in communicating to each other. First of all, we had to explain what we wanted from each other. Then we were taught to listen and put ourselves into the other’s shoes. Looking at things from another perspective and learning to work cooperatively towards a solution were valuable lessons that we all learnt early in our lives.

And last, but not least, from as early as I can remember, we had to kiss and cuddle each other regularly; upon waking, upon coming home from school, before going to bed… and especially after fighting! It may have seemed strange at first (I really don’t remember) but it quickly became second nature and we all ended up very close and full of love for each other. (Though it did cause some murmurs of disapproval when our school peers witnessed our fights ending up with us hugging and “pashing” each other!)

The Positive Side Of Sibling Rivalry

Coming from the context of my family, there were good things that came out of our sibling rivalry. My parents managed to help the kids transform resentful feelings into cooperation and understanding. We learnt to put aside fear of the unknown and we learnt how to deal with stress. Learning to cope with the challenges of sibling rivalry taught us valuable life lessons such as sharing and conflict resolution… and we are quite comfortable expressing our feelings and emotions with one another.

So the lesson is: with patience and understanding, parents can help children that are struggling with sibling rivalry and jealousy. Figuring out a solution can be challenging, but with good communication, a willingness to listen, and an abundance of love and support in the family home, most rivalries can be transformed into enduring, worthwhile sibling bonds. They don’t say “blood is thicker than water” for nothing!

“Wow, clearly (s)he is gifted”

Or, erm, maybe not

“Gifted” has become an overly used word in the parenting lexicon. Unfortunately though, it’s also one of the most misused. The truth is that only 2% of kids are actually gifted. According to one study referred to by CNN, prodigies are rarer still, at 1 or 2 in a million. Interestingly, despite the boom in educational techniques, those numbers haven’t been increasing. The occurrence of “giftedness” is consistently rare.

So whether or not your child is gifted, parents should start with the basics. All children need to feel loved and cherished. Having the basic needs of security and attachment met are critical for future learning. And as for stimulating a remarkable mind, most educators believe that play is the thing. Far more important than prescribed special programs or learning tools is the opportunity to explore without constraint.  “When it’s fun and playful, that’s when it gets into your head” says Advisory for the National Association for Gifted Children, Robin Schader PhD.

I Think My Child Is Gifted

Of course you do. We all do. That’s part of being a parent. You think your child is the most beautiful, talented, funny, sensitive, intelligent, tough, well-rounded kid out there. That’s only natural. I’d hate to look at my kids and think that they were just… well, average! I mean seriously, what parent wants average kids? But seriously, if you really think that your little one has something unique about them then these are some anecdotal kinds of observations that can be made by parents to see if their child it gifted. (These are of course just general thoughts and are not accurate for children of all ages).

• Does (s)he read at an early age – often before five?
• Does (s)he get along well with adults or older children?
• Does (s)he have a wild imagination?
• And strong opinions?
• Does (s)he have a very good memory for details?
• Is (s)he very curious?
• And/or critical of himself or herself?
• Does (s)he ask a lot of questions?
• Does (s)he see himself or herself as “different” from the other kids?
• Does (s)he plan ahead?
• Does (s)he not always respond well to external motivation?
• Does (s)he become uninterested when things slow down?
• Is (s)he critical of himself or herself and others?
• Does (s)he understand adult jokes and stories?
• Does (s)he make good guesses at things?
• Does (s)he have a well-developed sense of right and wrong?
• And likes to learn for the sake of learning?
• Might (s)he be experiencing discipline issues at school; especially at staying focused?
• Does (s)he have a well-developed vocabulary?

If your child exhibits some or several of these characteristics, you might want to consider getting some professional advice/testing to identify if your child is gifted. But please don’t drive yourself (and your child) crazy by overdoing it. If your kid is truly gifted then simply exposing them to different experiences will help get the developmental juices flowing. I mean, I know my kids are gifted, but the best thing I can do is give them the gift of time with me. Playing, reading, bonding and having fun. So relax and just get the basics right, because without that, what’s the point?

If your child is anything like ours, then you probably know what I’m talking about when I say that kids seem to have boundless resources of energy… and channeling that into fun activities is just as important for your sanity as it is theirs! Well, never fear, as I’m going to share with you the things we have done or thought of doing to keep the “I’m bored” shouts from entering your household.

Here are some of the free (or nearly free) things that we had fun with:

Have a picnic at the park. This is so easy to do and the options are endless. Find somewhere picturesque (near a lake or a river is always nice), take along some outdoor toys (a football and a Frisbee are our favourites), and some food… and you’ve everything you need for a great day out.

Go to the beach. An obvious one, I guess, but a winner every time for us! Seriously, though, pack a bucket, spade, sandwiches and your swimmers and you can’t help but have fun. A ball, a kite, and a Frisbee are going for company too.

Explore local museums and art galleries. Quite often, these cost nothing to enter and there’s always something of its kind close by. You can be extra inventive and design “fact finding missions” for your kids once you are there.

Go to local fairs or car-boot sales. Do a bit of research on the internet and find out what’s going on near you and spend the morning exploring one. You can make it into a full bargain hunt by giving your child $5-$10 and seeing what they come back with! Most car boots open early in the morning, and they’re a good way for children to spend a couple of hours.

Visit the national parks. Another easy one to do that takes minimal planning and can easily fill a day (or two).

Here are some “stay-at-home” fun activities for the family:

Build a cubby. Our kid adores making a cubby house during the day (and then usually wants to sleep in it at night). It’s like camping, but indoors. You can every doing a sing song (don’t light a fire in the house though!) and toast marshmallows over your cooker.

Plant something together.  Even if you have no garden, you can have so much fun collecting recyclable pots, decorating them, filling them with potting mix and planting seeds.  My advice is to do this at the beginning of the holidays and choose something fast growing so that the kids can water them and watch them grow over the holidays.

Kids Bedroom Make-over. Every kids room needs a sort out once in a while and a new ‘look’. School holidays are the perfect opportunity. Search the op shops and internet for cheap ways to update their room.  www.designdazzle.com is a great starting point for gorgeous ideas and links to other sites but even just moving things around is great fun to do with kids.

Have a house party. Invite some of the friends over and get them to bring one plate/dish of food (unless you don’t mind doing all the catering!). If you are sat at home, at a lose end, wondering what to do… the chances are some of your friends are doing exactly the same! So give them a call and you can all sit around wondering what to do together (whilst the kids trash the house in the background) J

Put on a fashion show. Our little one loves dressing up. And dressing up in mum’s clothes is a dream come true for her! So get them to put on a fashion show for you (and join in if you are game). Remember to take a healthy dose of humour with you.

Build paper mache pieces. Honestly, this is one of the most versatile crafts around! It’s so easy (and cheap to make the paste) and you can create almost anything. The best part is you probably have everything you need to create your paper mache masterpieces laying around your home right now. The kids will love this one. www.papiermache.co.uk

Cook and bake at home. The holiday season may also be the perfect time for you to unleash your inner chef. Plan some recipes that you have always wanted to try and cap it off by daring yourself to bake even just a simple yet yummy chocolate cake.

So there you go, plenty of easy things to plan and do, which aren’t going to cost much (if anything) and that are bound to be fun for everyone. The trick is to keep an open mind and be creative.

A lot of these things can be thought of and done on the day, but sometimes a bit of preparation can always help. For example, I like to get the family involved in the decision making, but it helps if I come to the table with a list of 4 or 5 ideas that everyone can then “buy into”.

I hope you too can find as much fun engaging in these activities as we do.

Happy parenting!

Part of the problem, of course, is that swearing and cursing is everywhere. It has permeated the very fabric of our society. It’s in the schools, it’s on TV, and – be honest – it may even be heard in your household too (perhaps even occasionally from you?). So it’s no surprise that children cursing is such a problem these days.

Personally, I don’t like it when I hear children swearing. Oddly enough, I don’t feel anything the same when it’s an adult swearing. Why is that? I was thinking about this seemingly hypocritical position, but I do see some reason in the logic. First and foremost, I thinking swearing (along with many other vices such as drinking, smoking etc) is perceived as “sinful” in a broad sense and children are innocent. So there’s a natural disconnect when it comes to kids swearing (or drinking or smoking). It’s just wrong. Also, there is the context of social acceptance. What I mean here is that it’s generally not considered acceptable for kids to swear and curse so when they do it reflects poorly on the parents.

So what can we do to delay (if we know we can’t stop forever) the cursing? Here are a few pointers on helping your kids keep their language clean.

You Are The First Role Model

Yes, you know this is true so you can’t shirk your responsibilities on this one! Although there is bound to be peer pressure on your kids, you are still the most important influence on his or her life. If you don’t want your kids to curse, it therefore follows that you’ll have to watch your own language. If you are not someone that curses, then great. If, however, you do let the odd expletive slip here or there, don’t beat yourself up about it. If the child heard, acknowledge the slip and apologize for the bad language.

It’s Better To Explain Than To Ignore

OK, it pretty obvious that a child is going to hear swear words and cursing at some stage. You can’t hide them from the world and you can’t prevent them hearing bad language. So one of my first rules is to acknowledge what they are hearing and ask if they have any questions about what it means. If you can explain why the words are offensive and how it affects people (ie it’s rude, threatening and makes people feel uneasy) then at least your child will understand why it’s bad for them to swear.

Set The Rules

If you don’t want your child to curse, say so! Be clear about what you expect from them and help them stay on the right path. For example, you could suggest more appropriate words that they should use if they are trying to make an impact. You can also introduce a “rewards & penalties” system. For example, by docking a % of his/her pocket money for every time they use a swear word and/or giving them more time before Saturday night curfew if they use good language.

Understand Your Child

Sometimes tweens and teens curse because they are seeking attention or they are wanting to distract adults from something else (poor school marks, for example). If your child swears because you are upset with their grades, don’t let the swearing take your focus off the real issue. Take time to sit down and talk with your kid about their behaviour and try and understand what is going on in their lives. It’s important that they understand you are always there for them, no matter what. If you think you need to enlist the help of a counselor to get to the bottom of the issue, contact your child’s school counselor. Or, contact your child’s pediatrician for additional assistance and recommendations.

These days, few kids get through childhood without saying a single curse word. If your child swears, don’t take it too hard. As long as you make it clear that such words are unacceptable, the chances of your child developing an incurable foul mouth are very slim. Your job is to help them use impressive and appropriate language as much as possible.

Here are a list of Do’s and Don’ts to help you along the way:

• Don’t overreact. If you make a big scene when your child utters a dirty word, there’s a good chance that it will reinforce the behavior. They could use the word again when they crave attention, or when they want to evoke a response.
• Do your best not to laugh. Whether you truly find it amusing or just giggle nervously, this could also cause a repeat occurrence. Your child will see that he made you laugh, and s/he might use the same word again when s/he wants to be funny.
• Don’t confront your child about swearing when they are angry or upset. This will only add fuel to the fire in most cases. Work through the problem at hand, and discuss the bad language at a calmer time.
• Do watch your own language a little more closely. Kids often pick up curse words at home, and if you use them frequently, they are more likely to think it’s acceptable to do so themselves.
• Don’t let them get away with it. Depending on their age and the circumstances an effective reward Vs penalty system can be enforced (time out, suspension of certain privileges or grounding may be appropriate).
• Do consider the context of the swear-word. Calling someone a bad name is much more hurtful than swearing because you tripped and fell. Both should be discouraged, but make sure the punishment fits the crime.
• Don’t be afraid of suggesting alternative words. There are plenty of words in the English language that are not so offensive, but still get the point across. You could even encourage your child to make up his own silly expressions to use instead of curse words.
• Do acknowledge whey you slip up and say a curse word. By apologizing you will set a good example for your child.

This led me to thinking about a book, “The Slap”, by Christos Tsiolkas that I also read, which is a story about how an event – a man slapping a child who wasn’t his own at a suburban BBQ – affects a group of people, friends, relatives, who are all directly or indirectly influenced by the slap.

It opened the door to plenty of debate between me and my friends, because is raises the question: should someone else discipline another person’s child? And if so, what are the “rules of engagement” and, subsequently, what is considered an appropriate level of discipline?

As parents, we are usually around children a lot of the time. So it’s inevitable that at some point you’re going to experience another child demonstrating bad behaviour. That’s to be expected and most of us don’t pay it much (if any) attention and get on with our lives as usual. What happens, however, if another child hurts your child? What if they bite them or hit them or push them over causing considerable pain? And what if the aggressor’s parents don’t do anything (or aren’t there to see the incident)?

Interesting questions, aren’t they?

I have to say that in canvassing opinion on these points, I’ve been surprised at the way society seems to be leaning on this. According to a Parenting Survey conducted by AOL, 33% of respondents felt that you should never discipline another person’s child unless you have been given expressed permission by their parent to do so. Over 60% said they wouldn’t discipline another child if their parents were around even if the parents hadn’t taken any action.

I totally accept that seeing someone else reprimand your child makes you instantly protective of them, but are you really at liberty to be upset that your child has been scolded for doing something wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right and however much you want to defend your children, they have to understand the difference between good and bad behaviour and that will only happen if they are “told off” when they do something unacceptable.

In an ideal world I would say that in the first instance, the parent of the child responsible for the misdemeanour should, of course, be the one who decides on and carries out the disciplining. But if that parent isn’t around (or doesn’t do anything) then surely the parent of the victim has a legitimate right to let the aggressor know that his or her behaviour isn’t appropriate.

I’m not saying that I agree with slapping another person’s child, by the way! I think that discipline should rarely (if ever) involve physical contact and (unless you have a special agreement with the other parents) certainly not when it’s another person’s child. But the idea that we simply aren’t allowed to tell off someone else’s kids (even when they are doing wrong) is a bit too “new age” for me.

On thinking through this conundrum, I came across some sage advice when it comes to disciplining someone else’s kids:

• First, stick to house rules. So, instead of saying “you are not allowed to play ball” you would say “we don’t play ball inside our house”. The problem with this is that it only works if you’re on your own turf!
• If another child or an animal might get hurt, then you have a right to step in before something happens.
• But, when you do step in, don’t “punish” (and certainly not physically). Just take away possessions or give time-outs.
• Finally, never hit or spank someone else’s child, even if you spank your own kids. If for no other reason, you can get into trouble with the law and you also run the risk of serious repercussions.

According to parenting blogger, Myra Turner, when disciplining children you should remember the 4 R’s: Respond, Review, Reflect and Right the Wrong. For example, if someone shoves your child you would first respond to the situation. In a calm voice, ask the aggressor to think about his actions asking a question such as, “Why did you shove little Johnny?” Next, you want to review why the behaviour is wrong. For example, talk about how shoving can be dangerous and why playing nicely is a good thing. Then reflect on the behaviour’s effect, in this case how it makes the other child feel. You can also ask how the other child would feel if you shoved him and pushed him over. And finally, move on to right the wrong. Ask the child how he can remedy the situation. In this case, he could apologize and/or give your child a hug.

One parent I know operates by a hierarchy of who can discipline whom. She says that if your kid hurts another child you have first dibs at telling them off. If you weren’t there the parent of the “victim” gets second rights, but if you are nearby they should let you know what has happened and let you deal with it. In situations where neither parents are around then a parent who did see it should let you both know so you can choose how to deal with it.

Personally, I find that a little too “softly softly” for my liking, but maybe a little bit of preparation ahead of time, where you talk to other parents and make a list of rules and similar “hierarchies” can help prevent awkward situations from arising later on. What do you think?

What it tells us is that, yes, parents can take much of the credit (or blame) for their children’s accomplishments (or not), but not for the reasons that most parents think! At the core of this chapter are the results of the US Department of Education’s ground-breaking study called the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study (ECLS), which tracked the progress of more than 20,000 American schoolchildren from kindergarten through to fifth grade (10 and 11 year olds).

What was particularly revealing were the correlations of the child’s test scores and the results of a questionnaire about the families’ habits, social-demographic and activities. Under Stephen and Steven’s rigourous analysis, they are able to make some very interesting observations about parenting technique and the effect it “really” has on the child.

For example, they claim that many of the foundational beliefs of modern parenting, don’t – according to the data – improve childhood test scores. Here are some of the parental factors that are referred to in the book and that the authors say are statistically proven to matter to the child’s test results or not:

•Matters: The child has highly educated parents.

•Doesn’t: The child regularly watches TV at home.

•Matters: The child’s parents have high income.

•Doesn’t: The child’s mother didn’t work between birth and kindergarten.

•Matters: The child’s parents speak English in the home.

•Doesn’t: The child’s parents regularly take him to museums.

•Matters: The child’s mother was 30 or older at time of the child’s birth.

•Doesn’t: The child parents are still together.

•Matters: The child’s parents are involved in the PTA.

•Doesn’t: The child is regularly spanked at home.

So, museum visits are no better than regular trips to the cinema, and whilst we are on the subject of film, watching TV doesn’t do any damage either! The most interesting conclusion is one that I find a bit disturbing; that parenting technique is actually overrated. Because what Levitt and Dubner prove is that the results your child will achieve are linked to who you as the parents are and not what you do.

OK, let me make an obvious observation here. The results are actually showing us that the children who achieve the best results come from “privileged homes”. For example, it wasn’t that they went to museums or weren’t allowed to watch TV, or that the family homestead was still intact, or even that the parents read to their child. Rather, it was that the parents took an active role in the child’s school life, that they had a higher income (it didn’t matter where they lived by the way) and that they were well educated themselves that made all the difference.

So actually, it’s not that parents don’t matter. Of course they do! The problem is that by the time most parents are thinking of having a child and start to read up on parenting techniques, it’s too late. The things that matter the most were decided long ago. What do you think?

A number of you have written in suggesting topics for our articles and what seems to be a common theme amongst some of our readers is that of “fussy eaters”. You probably know exactly what I’m talking about; kids who just don’t like the good, healthy food you are putting in front of them. Funnily enough, I think I can write quite competently on this challenging subject as I’ve experienced a fussy eater first hand! 

Do any of you recognise this parental struggle?

“My child has been a fussy eater for a while now and it appears that the list of “acceptable” foods is growing shorter by the week. The daily battles over food and meal times is really starting to get me down and sometimes a just want to give in… but I do want her to eat more than fries and chicken. What can I do?”

First things first 

If you have a fussy eater in the house, the chances are that the problem isn’t with the food(s) they are refusing to eat, per se. It sounds strange, I know, but the truth is the problem is in the child’s attitude to food in general. Our 6 year old – thankfully – has a broad palate and finds food interesting. She is at ease around food and enjoys eating. Mealtimes are great, because in general she’ll approach the table with a view that anything will be fine.

A fussy eater simply doesn’t have that kind of ease around food. Instead, food will ignite strong feelings for him or her. And it doesn’t matter what is happening with the food – it can be too salty, too sweet, too creamy, too thick, too gooey, it can be that two foods are touching on the plate, or that there is too much of a particular colour – the feelings are intense and emotionally charged.

So, if you’re expecting a fussy eater to think rationally about eating food, you can forget it! Insisting that food has to be eaten, trying to hide greens, and telling them they won’t get dessert are conventional parenting tactics that just don’t work in the long term.

Understanding child psychology

When a child exhibits a “bad” attitude towards food, this normally stems from a deep negative feeling that occurred early in childhood. In reality, that “bad” attitude is actually just a response that is borne out of fear or frustration, which can usually be traced to some sort of earlier trauma. Sometimes that trauma isn’t even food related. It sounds strange, I know, but let me explain.

Research has shown that kids who scream when a jumper is pulled over their heads are very often the same kids whose births were long and difficult. A simple everyday occurrence (taking off a jumper) triggers what seems like an abnormal response for the situation. What is actually happening is that a highly charged emotional memory is being activated.

If that emotional memory isn’t addressed, the fear or frustration can stay parked inside the child and his or her emotional makeup becomes saturated with triggers that can tip those feelings into play. And those triggers can migrate from having to take a jumper off, to being a fussy eater, for example.

Very often, children who are fussy eaters also have other emotional triggers; they don’t like getting dressed, they wake several times at night, they can’t sit at the dinner table for any length of time, or they don’t like having their hair washed. These are the tell tale signs that there is a deeper emotional memory that hasn’t been addressed yet.

What approach should you take with a fussy eater?

The good news is that, once you know what you are dealing with, tackling these seemingly irrational imbalances isn’t difficult. Pestering your child, holding your child to ransom, and forcing your child to eat certain foods are not – I repeat NOT – the actions that will help in the long term.

One of the most important things in this situation, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT FORCE FEED YOUR KIDS.

Whilst some of these short term tactics may deliver immediate results, they do not ease the child’s attitude about food. If anything, they will actually do more harm in the long term because they will perpetuate tension for the child (and parent) thereby affirming the negative emotional memory.

Instead, you should listen to your child and allow him or her to offload their feelings. By venting and releasing, the overall emotional charge from his/her fear will lessen. With the right approach, your child will gradually become better at sampling foods, and eventually even enjoy trying new foods (shock horror!).

Making food fun

No matter where the emotional memory has started, the first thing to do to start changing their attitude is to make things fun. When children are caught in a behavioural pattern that pits them against a certain activity (like eating), pushing them to do that one simple thing only increases the underlying tension and becomes a highly charged emotional event. In these situations, forcing the matter won’t do anything other than intensify the opposition against it. (Does this sound all too familiar? I know it does to me!)

So the first thing to do is play along with them. Make light of their behaviours. Perhaps even imitate your child’s attitudes toward food. Of course you have to do this playfully; you are not meant to be mocking them or making fun of them. In a light-hearted manner, try joining in with their disgust at the vegetables on the dinner table. Make funny faces at the brussel sprouts, stick out your tongue at the broccoli, say “eeww” at the mash potato and (maybe even) flick a carrot off your plate!

Your purpose here is to engender a light-hearted, fun, and playful approach to food. The aim is to get your kid laughing at the good-humour and having a fun time around meal time. In the long run, this type of laughter will have a healing affect and cancel out the negative connotations and aversions that are currently in place.

Once you start playing and having fun around food, your kid won’t feel singled out as the one with the problem. Instead, you will both be spending good humoured and light hearted time during meals. The food loses the focus, and that focus turns to the relationship between the two of you. Once that happens, your child will be left feeling uplifted that eating has become less serious, and you should see him or her become much more relaxed when it comes to eating.

Give the child a choice and get them involved

One really good way of tackling the fear a child may have around food is to get them child involved with choosing the meal and then making it. The best way I have found to do this involves taking a couple (2 or 3) paper plates, drawing lines across them and then writing down the parts of the meal in the separate quarters. You create a different meal for each plate and let the child decide which one they will have. For example, one plate may have chicken, peas, mash, sweet corn… another plate could have broccoli, fish fingers, carrots, couscous… the options are endless. A little tip: when you draw the different parts of the meal in the quarters of the paper plate, make it colourful and interesting (kids will find it much more appealing). That way you can ensure that your child has all the right components in their food (vegetables, nutrients, protein etc) and your kid has control over which plate they decide.

Once they have decided on their meal, you can now get them involved in the cooking. Kids love mashing potatoes, stirring pots, rolling out dough, and making cookies. Remember that anything that gets them involved with food will release any of the negative emotional triggers that they used to harbour. Baking a cake together is great way to involve a child in cooking. Personally, I remember there was nothing better than being able to lick the mixing bowl clean after making cookie dough!

Teach your child about the origins of food

Finally, I find by educating children about where food has come from, they lose some of the irrational fear surrounding it. Explain and show how fruit and veggies are grown in the earth… tell them that, just like people, they start off as a little seed and with the right care and love they grow into these beautiful plants bearing gorgeous fruits and vegetables. How amazing!

Once you start demystifying the world of food, children tend to be a lot more open to trying new things.

Keep things simple

Last, but not least, one of the common mistakes when encouraging children to try new foods is to make too big a deal of the whole thing. If a child feels under pressure or is the focus of attention during a stressful situation, they will naturally clam up (just like adults do). So the key is to keep things light-hearted and not make a scene. Even if they do start trying new foods, don’t start jumping up and down, hollering, and calling in the neighbours to witness the event! Just give them a gentle “well done” and then go on as normal… make them feel it is a perfectly natural thing to enjoy good food.

Take your time

Like most things, re-educating a child and changing a behavioural pattern can take time. Don’t expect that you’ll see your child make a U-Turn in their eating habits within a week! However, if you follow the guidelines above, with the right approach, patience, and light-hearted fun, I’m sure you will see a significant improvement in your child attitude towards food in the long run.