Personally I’m torn. It’s not that I want my children to turn into mini Margaret Thatchers, but neither do I want them to end up in a world of debt and financial strife because they are unable or unequipped to understand how to manage money from a young age.

In our household, we introduced the concept of earning money with the use of a Chore Sheet (not quite a balance sheet!) and as long as our child completes all the chores within a week timeframe, they get paid “pocket money” at the end of the week.

We felt this was a sensible way of familiarizing her with the idea of working for your money and also ensuring that she understands that chores (by their very nature) can often be stuff you don’t necessarily want to do, but in doing so you get a reward. In addition, we’ve tried to make the “pocket money” value, big enough that she can buy herself a small treat or two each week, but small enough to mean she has to save if she sets her sights on bigger goals. (By bigger goals, I mean something akin to a Nintendo DS, not an Aston Martin DBS).

This all sounds innocent enough, until our daughter asked the inevitable question about loans and advancements! How do you explain to a 7 year old the concept of interest and the relative value of self-amortising loans? And then there was case of “administration charges”! In the end I agreed to advance her 1 month’s worth of pocket money, but she had to do an extra week of chores for the privilege (and if she reneged on any week of chores during the advancement period, she would need to double it before she was back into pocket money territory). It felt like a good lesson and a fair deal!

We have also opened an account for our daughter and we are now thinking about having a (very) small part of our wages deposited into a linked savings account. But even children’s accounts these days are full of questions and caveats:

• Bank Manager – “does she anticipate maintaining a balance of over $100,000 for the life of the account”?
• Me – “are you kidding… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer higher levels of interest over account flexibility?”
• Me – “Come again… she’s SEVEN!”
• Bank Manager – “Does she prefer transacting by internet or in person?”
• Me –“She’s…” well, you get the idea.

I do wonder are we doing the right thing? Is it wrong to try and burden kids with the concept of financial responsibility, or is it wrong not to provide a good financial base for your kids? All in all, though, I think the introduction of financial concepts (basic at this stage, but I’m sure it’ll get more complex as she gets older and asks more questions) has been a success for us. For the first time since I can remember, our daughter is now asking if she can “double-up” her chores?! She’s certainly understood that effort = reward. I’m wondering when I have to have that fateful conversation about household productivity and having to let someone go!

Despite the global financial crisis and the fact that many people have been “doing it tough” for the past year or so, nannies still remain a popular option for many families looking  for a convenient, safe and flexible childcare option.

So what are the advantages of using a nanny?

Nannies provide one-on-one care in the family home, so it is less stressful and uprooting for the child receiving care that going to a day care center, for example. Also, because of the low ratio of child to carer, the child benefits from plenty of attention and stimulation, and is more likely to form an emotional bond with a nanny.

Employing childcare in the home has the added advantage of keeping the child on familiar turf, which in turn helps children adjust more easily to parents returning to work. A kid may find the absence of a parent upsetting, but at least the safety of family home remains the same.

In addition, nannies give the parent comfort that their child or children are receiving one-to-one care from a skilled practitioner in childcare. Further to their general childcare experience, a well qualified nanny will also have studied child nutrition, health and safety, learning through play, and will also be well versed in the emotional, social, physical, linguistic, and intellectual development of your children.

Knowing how useful a good nanny or manny can be, the next question is…

How do I find a good nanny?

This is the one part of the equation that is absolutely critical, because as much as a good nanny can be godsend to both you and your children, a bad nanny can do just as much harm. Most parents wouldn’t think about compromising on the care of their children, but finding the best carer you can will take time, patience, and fair amount of resourcefulness.

1 – Make A List Of What You Want

This is an important starting point, because without knowing what you need your nanny for, you won’t be able to look in the right places. First talk to your partner about what you are trying to achieve by sourcing a nanny; will they be taking your child to school, preparing meals, helping them with homework, playing with them, taking them to after-school activities? Will the nanny be living with you and for what period of time? Once you have know what you are looking for you can prepare a list of questions you can refer to when interviewing prospective candidates.

2 – Do Your Research

This will be the most time consuming part of the exercise so be prepared to give yourself plenty of “search” time before you need the nanny to start! There are many internet resources to help put you in touch with nannies; from agencies to professionals who advertise direct. In my opinion, a personal reference is always a preference so ask around and spread the word. You can also put up your own adverts in baby clinics, schools, colleges and on notice boards.

3 – The Application Process

Once you have done the research, you should have a list of applicants for the job and this is where you need to put them all through a rigorous process. Ask questions from the list you made in step one. Find out about the experiences and their child raising philosophies. Be sure to see them at work with your child so you can see how the two of them interact… and of course CHECK THEIR REFEREES. My advice is to always trust your gut instinct; if everything seem right but you still feel something is a little amiss, then trust yourself and continue the search.

4 – Test Run

By the time you have gone through steps 1 to 3, you should now have a good shortlist of nannies for your kid(s). The final step is to do a trial run with each of them. Ask each of them to come to your home one at a time and watch them at work with your child. There’s no better way to help make a decision to see them at work for yourself.

If chosen well, a nanny can be a wonderful help in the task of raising your children. They will assist in meeting the social, intellectual and emotional needs of your kids. They will help them develop and stay healthy  and stimulated. In addition, a nanny will also provide assistance with the domestic routines related to your children, including changing beds and cleaning bedrooms, washing, and ironing their clothes, and making their meals whilst in their care. If you decide a nanny (or manny) is for you, make sure you and your children get best you can.

Despite these challenges, researchers have uncovered convincing links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. During the early 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children (Baumrind, 1967). Using naturalistic observation, parental interviews and other research methods, she identified four important dimensions of parenting:

• Disciplinary strategies
• Warmth and nurturance
• Communication styles
• Expectations of maturity and control

Based on these dimensions, Baumrind suggested that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles. Further research by also suggested the addition of a fourth parenting style (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). These are:

Authoritarian Parenting
In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.” These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (1991).

Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (1991).

Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (1991). Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.

Uninvolved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

The Results of The 4 Parenting Styles

The question then becomes “what effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes?”. In addition to Baumrind’s initial study of 100 preschool children, researchers have conducted numerous other studies than have led to a number of conclusions about the impact of parenting styles on children.

Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).

Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

Conclusion

After learning about the impact of parenting styles on child development, you will probably have a new appreciation for authoritative parenting techniques and may wonder why all parents simply don’t utilize an authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children. What are some reasons why parenting styles might vary? Some potential causes of these differences include culture, personality, family size, parental background, socioeconomic status, educational level and religion.

Of course, the parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each and every family. For example, the mother may display an authoritative style while the father favors a more permissive approach. In order to create a cohesive approach to parenting, it is essential that parents learn to cooperate as they combine various elements of their unique parenting styles.

But wait… the kids have 6 weeks, yep SIX WEEKS, off school! How quickly the anticipation of the fun of summer is lost in the pressured rush of figuring out child care, camps, and whether or not a vacation is financially possible this year. But it’s important to think, for a moment, about what opportunities summer does bring, so let’s focus on the positive for the time being…

There are chances to play more fully.

As one child psychologist, Patty Wipfler, once said “… for children, the chance to play all day, every day is a wonderful thing”. In our household, the need for a protracted period of time with no pressure of school is abundantly clear! Our little one looks like she is in dire need of some free time, where she has nothing to perform for, except by her own choosing.

Personally I’m looking forward to those water fights in the garden, playing hide and seek, building cubbies and staying at the park or the beach until it’s dark (or too cold to stay in the water!). As far as I’m concerned, these are the things I look forward to; the kinds of play that don’t require electricity, or expensive purchases and that just need a bit of imagination and playful attitude to make a success.

There are chances to learn in unusual ways.

When you have a toddler nearly ready to use the toilet, you can allow him or her to roam the back yard naked, learning to master bodily functions in a place where there can be no “accident.” If your child is afraid of the dark, you can set up a tent in the garden and sleep outside, to see what it’s like to spend the night under the light of the moon. And what better time than these Summer holidays to address fears of the water. Summer means that fresh new things can happen, usual boundaries can flex, and parents can relax a bit more around play that one wouldn’t allow when life has to be more structured.

What happens when you run out of ideas?

OK, some summer days can lose their sparkle. There are always going to be occasions when you aren’t feeling as enthused as usual or when your child feels listless, and says they are bored. You’ll notice that there actually are things they could do, and people they could play with, but they are missing that sense of adventure that can turn a simple piece of paper and a scissors into an experiment with hat making, or airplane crafting, or cut out design. The feeling inside of them is actually the problem, not any lack of things to do.

So rather than become irritated that they don’t appreciate all the things they have, or all the time you’ve spent trying to make them happy, move in close. Lie down with them, or next to them. Don’t try to solve the problem of what to do, but instead be happy that you can just stay at home and enjoy each other’s company for a while. If you want, after just being with them for a while, you can begin suggesting things that you could do. Any idea (silly or serious) will do. You’re not trying to solve the problem of what to do. You’re trying to get a bit of laughter going, and then a bit more, and then even more. Your silly ideas, and the release of laughter, will hopefully jump-start your minds and soon you’ll stumble across an idea that sticks. And if you still can’t think of anything, have a look at our fun stuff archives… there’s lot of neat ideas in there!

Staying on good terms.

If you (like me) are a parent that also holds down a job, then you have to remember that these few weeks off work are cramming in a lot of home and family time. Such intensity is unusual and takes getting used to. It’s therefore quite normal for you and the kids to become irate with each other at times. Don’t let that concern you. Your aim is to not let the pressure of the situation be reflected in your actions. Even if you are feeling hot and bothered, smile nicely and put your frustrations to the side. Remember that you can take a “time out” if you have to.

If it’s your child that’s acting up, let them. A good cry is the way many children clear their minds of emotional sludge, and regain their enthusiasm for life. Stay with them, listen to what a dumb day they are having, and don’t get offended if they tell you how stupid you are for whatever reason! To really get the awful feelings out, they need a safe person to serve as their target… and hopefully that’s you! Don’t worry, I promise that this is not their full and final evaluation of your parenting! It’s not. It’s just what they need to do to get the tears going strong, so they can come back to you and feel their love for you again when they have finished.

Vacations provide the chance to get connected.

The Summer holiday for us means vacation time. Whilst we can’t take annual leave for the full 6 weeks holiday period, we religiously try and get several weeks off when we can have prolonged contact with our daughter. Be aware though that this prolonged contact can sometimes result in a few insecurities coming to the fore. For example, when the family comes together and spends extended time with each other, a child’s limbic system, the seat of his or her emotions, gets the signal that life is better than usual. Feelings that don’t correspond to the closeness, the ease, or the sense of relaxation pop up, ready to be released. Those feelings, which can be held in storage for days or months or years, don’t necessarily match the present circumstances, so don’t be put out. If you’re not ready for your children’s emotional cleansing sessions, you’ll be irritated for sure. But just remember that your child’s upsets are the beginning of a summer growth spurt, and are a healthy sign that they love you and trust you to care.

So now that you know what to expect in terms of Summer behaviour, your task is to have a stash of fun activities that you and your kids can engage in over the vacation. If you are short of ideas, check out our suggestions of free fun things to do or our ideas of 15 activities for under a dollar.

Have fun!

Sibling rivalry is a real, powerful emotion that cannot be wished away. It’s a part of growing up with brothers and sisters. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. For the sake of a comparison, imagine that your partner comes home one day with another lover. Your partner explains that (s)he still loves you, but this new person is going to live with you all now as well. And to make things worse, the new person is needier than you are so they are going to take up a lot of your partner’s time, sorry!

Birth Order

Apparently, when my younger brother was born, I would try to talk passers-by into taking him with them. I’m told that I berated the midwife for leaving her baby with my family! I was the eldest (of what became a very large family) and rivalry is often more intense in the firstborn, because he or she has been used to the spotlight without competition. A later child comes into the world already learning to share their parent’s time and attention. This doesn’t mean that subsequent children don’t have feelings of jealousy towards other siblings, because they can and do. It really depends on how the parents handle the situation.

Age Matters

No matter what the age of the child, jealousy and competition (the two major causes of sibling rivalry) will inevitably be emotions that they have to contend with. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how hard parents try to be fair to their children, every child will feel, at one point or another, feelings of jealousy toward their sibling or siblings. Generally speaking, though, experts believe jealousy of a newborn is strongest in children under five years. That’s because up until the age of 5, a kid is much more dependent on his parents and has fewer interests outside the family circle. Once the child hits 6, they have begun to build a position for themselves among circles outside of the family (such as with friends and at school). Therefore, being pushed out of the limelight at this stage doesn’t “hurt” so much.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Exist?

It really comes down to the child(ren) seeking the attention of the parents. With me and my siblings, if mum gave more attention (what we, as kids, thought was “love”) to one of the other brothers or sisters then this would cause severe feelings of jealousy and we would inevitably end up competing for that attention (“love”). What my mum was especially good at was making sure that we all felt loved and attended to in equal measures, but I’ve seen many households where the same sort of equality didn’t exist between kids and that turned into a recipe for disaster.

Solving the Sibling Rivalry Conundrum

Though jealousy can’t be completely prevented, what my mum did so well was to instill a sense of fairness and parity amongst the siblings. We were taught to convert those negative feelings into ones of cooperativeness and altruism. In doing so, mum also taught us a valuable lesson about fearing rivals later in life (ie, instead of fearing, try to understand).

At the end of the day, siblings will feel competition and jealousy. That’s only normal. What is more important is how the child learns to resolve those feelings. For our family, the answer lay in communicating to each other. First of all, we had to explain what we wanted from each other. Then we were taught to listen and put ourselves into the other’s shoes. Looking at things from another perspective and learning to work cooperatively towards a solution were valuable lessons that we all learnt early in our lives.

And last, but not least, from as early as I can remember, we had to kiss and cuddle each other regularly; upon waking, upon coming home from school, before going to bed… and especially after fighting! It may have seemed strange at first (I really don’t remember) but it quickly became second nature and we all ended up very close and full of love for each other. (Though it did cause some murmurs of disapproval when our school peers witnessed our fights ending up with us hugging and “pashing” each other!)

The Positive Side Of Sibling Rivalry

Coming from the context of my family, there were good things that came out of our sibling rivalry. My parents managed to help the kids transform resentful feelings into cooperation and understanding. We learnt to put aside fear of the unknown and we learnt how to deal with stress. Learning to cope with the challenges of sibling rivalry taught us valuable life lessons such as sharing and conflict resolution… and we are quite comfortable expressing our feelings and emotions with one another.

So the lesson is: with patience and understanding, parents can help children that are struggling with sibling rivalry and jealousy. Figuring out a solution can be challenging, but with good communication, a willingness to listen, and an abundance of love and support in the family home, most rivalries can be transformed into enduring, worthwhile sibling bonds. They don’t say “blood is thicker than water” for nothing!

Part of the problem, of course, is that swearing and cursing is everywhere. It has permeated the very fabric of our society. It’s in the schools, it’s on TV, and – be honest – it may even be heard in your household too (perhaps even occasionally from you?). So it’s no surprise that children cursing is such a problem these days.

Personally, I don’t like it when I hear children swearing. Oddly enough, I don’t feel anything the same when it’s an adult swearing. Why is that? I was thinking about this seemingly hypocritical position, but I do see some reason in the logic. First and foremost, I thinking swearing (along with many other vices such as drinking, smoking etc) is perceived as “sinful” in a broad sense and children are innocent. So there’s a natural disconnect when it comes to kids swearing (or drinking or smoking). It’s just wrong. Also, there is the context of social acceptance. What I mean here is that it’s generally not considered acceptable for kids to swear and curse so when they do it reflects poorly on the parents.

So what can we do to delay (if we know we can’t stop forever) the cursing? Here are a few pointers on helping your kids keep their language clean.

You Are The First Role Model

Yes, you know this is true so you can’t shirk your responsibilities on this one! Although there is bound to be peer pressure on your kids, you are still the most important influence on his or her life. If you don’t want your kids to curse, it therefore follows that you’ll have to watch your own language. If you are not someone that curses, then great. If, however, you do let the odd expletive slip here or there, don’t beat yourself up about it. If the child heard, acknowledge the slip and apologize for the bad language.

It’s Better To Explain Than To Ignore

OK, it pretty obvious that a child is going to hear swear words and cursing at some stage. You can’t hide them from the world and you can’t prevent them hearing bad language. So one of my first rules is to acknowledge what they are hearing and ask if they have any questions about what it means. If you can explain why the words are offensive and how it affects people (ie it’s rude, threatening and makes people feel uneasy) then at least your child will understand why it’s bad for them to swear.

Set The Rules

If you don’t want your child to curse, say so! Be clear about what you expect from them and help them stay on the right path. For example, you could suggest more appropriate words that they should use if they are trying to make an impact. You can also introduce a “rewards & penalties” system. For example, by docking a % of his/her pocket money for every time they use a swear word and/or giving them more time before Saturday night curfew if they use good language.

Understand Your Child

Sometimes tweens and teens curse because they are seeking attention or they are wanting to distract adults from something else (poor school marks, for example). If your child swears because you are upset with their grades, don’t let the swearing take your focus off the real issue. Take time to sit down and talk with your kid about their behaviour and try and understand what is going on in their lives. It’s important that they understand you are always there for them, no matter what. If you think you need to enlist the help of a counselor to get to the bottom of the issue, contact your child’s school counselor. Or, contact your child’s pediatrician for additional assistance and recommendations.

These days, few kids get through childhood without saying a single curse word. If your child swears, don’t take it too hard. As long as you make it clear that such words are unacceptable, the chances of your child developing an incurable foul mouth are very slim. Your job is to help them use impressive and appropriate language as much as possible.

Here are a list of Do’s and Don’ts to help you along the way:

• Don’t overreact. If you make a big scene when your child utters a dirty word, there’s a good chance that it will reinforce the behavior. They could use the word again when they crave attention, or when they want to evoke a response.
• Do your best not to laugh. Whether you truly find it amusing or just giggle nervously, this could also cause a repeat occurrence. Your child will see that he made you laugh, and s/he might use the same word again when s/he wants to be funny.
• Don’t confront your child about swearing when they are angry or upset. This will only add fuel to the fire in most cases. Work through the problem at hand, and discuss the bad language at a calmer time.
• Do watch your own language a little more closely. Kids often pick up curse words at home, and if you use them frequently, they are more likely to think it’s acceptable to do so themselves.
• Don’t let them get away with it. Depending on their age and the circumstances an effective reward Vs penalty system can be enforced (time out, suspension of certain privileges or grounding may be appropriate).
• Do consider the context of the swear-word. Calling someone a bad name is much more hurtful than swearing because you tripped and fell. Both should be discouraged, but make sure the punishment fits the crime.
• Don’t be afraid of suggesting alternative words. There are plenty of words in the English language that are not so offensive, but still get the point across. You could even encourage your child to make up his own silly expressions to use instead of curse words.
• Do acknowledge whey you slip up and say a curse word. By apologizing you will set a good example for your child.

This led me to thinking about a book, “The Slap”, by Christos Tsiolkas that I also read, which is a story about how an event – a man slapping a child who wasn’t his own at a suburban BBQ – affects a group of people, friends, relatives, who are all directly or indirectly influenced by the slap.

It opened the door to plenty of debate between me and my friends, because is raises the question: should someone else discipline another person’s child? And if so, what are the “rules of engagement” and, subsequently, what is considered an appropriate level of discipline?

As parents, we are usually around children a lot of the time. So it’s inevitable that at some point you’re going to experience another child demonstrating bad behaviour. That’s to be expected and most of us don’t pay it much (if any) attention and get on with our lives as usual. What happens, however, if another child hurts your child? What if they bite them or hit them or push them over causing considerable pain? And what if the aggressor’s parents don’t do anything (or aren’t there to see the incident)?

Interesting questions, aren’t they?

I have to say that in canvassing opinion on these points, I’ve been surprised at the way society seems to be leaning on this. According to a Parenting Survey conducted by AOL, 33% of respondents felt that you should never discipline another person’s child unless you have been given expressed permission by their parent to do so. Over 60% said they wouldn’t discipline another child if their parents were around even if the parents hadn’t taken any action.

I totally accept that seeing someone else reprimand your child makes you instantly protective of them, but are you really at liberty to be upset that your child has been scolded for doing something wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right and however much you want to defend your children, they have to understand the difference between good and bad behaviour and that will only happen if they are “told off” when they do something unacceptable.

In an ideal world I would say that in the first instance, the parent of the child responsible for the misdemeanour should, of course, be the one who decides on and carries out the disciplining. But if that parent isn’t around (or doesn’t do anything) then surely the parent of the victim has a legitimate right to let the aggressor know that his or her behaviour isn’t appropriate.

I’m not saying that I agree with slapping another person’s child, by the way! I think that discipline should rarely (if ever) involve physical contact and (unless you have a special agreement with the other parents) certainly not when it’s another person’s child. But the idea that we simply aren’t allowed to tell off someone else’s kids (even when they are doing wrong) is a bit too “new age” for me.

On thinking through this conundrum, I came across some sage advice when it comes to disciplining someone else’s kids:

• First, stick to house rules. So, instead of saying “you are not allowed to play ball” you would say “we don’t play ball inside our house”. The problem with this is that it only works if you’re on your own turf!
• If another child or an animal might get hurt, then you have a right to step in before something happens.
• But, when you do step in, don’t “punish” (and certainly not physically). Just take away possessions or give time-outs.
• Finally, never hit or spank someone else’s child, even if you spank your own kids. If for no other reason, you can get into trouble with the law and you also run the risk of serious repercussions.

According to parenting blogger, Myra Turner, when disciplining children you should remember the 4 R’s: Respond, Review, Reflect and Right the Wrong. For example, if someone shoves your child you would first respond to the situation. In a calm voice, ask the aggressor to think about his actions asking a question such as, “Why did you shove little Johnny?” Next, you want to review why the behaviour is wrong. For example, talk about how shoving can be dangerous and why playing nicely is a good thing. Then reflect on the behaviour’s effect, in this case how it makes the other child feel. You can also ask how the other child would feel if you shoved him and pushed him over. And finally, move on to right the wrong. Ask the child how he can remedy the situation. In this case, he could apologize and/or give your child a hug.

One parent I know operates by a hierarchy of who can discipline whom. She says that if your kid hurts another child you have first dibs at telling them off. If you weren’t there the parent of the “victim” gets second rights, but if you are nearby they should let you know what has happened and let you deal with it. In situations where neither parents are around then a parent who did see it should let you both know so you can choose how to deal with it.

Personally, I find that a little too “softly softly” for my liking, but maybe a little bit of preparation ahead of time, where you talk to other parents and make a list of rules and similar “hierarchies” can help prevent awkward situations from arising later on. What do you think?

What it tells us is that, yes, parents can take much of the credit (or blame) for their children’s accomplishments (or not), but not for the reasons that most parents think! At the core of this chapter are the results of the US Department of Education’s ground-breaking study called the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study (ECLS), which tracked the progress of more than 20,000 American schoolchildren from kindergarten through to fifth grade (10 and 11 year olds).

What was particularly revealing were the correlations of the child’s test scores and the results of a questionnaire about the families’ habits, social-demographic and activities. Under Stephen and Steven’s rigourous analysis, they are able to make some very interesting observations about parenting technique and the effect it “really” has on the child.

For example, they claim that many of the foundational beliefs of modern parenting, don’t – according to the data – improve childhood test scores. Here are some of the parental factors that are referred to in the book and that the authors say are statistically proven to matter to the child’s test results or not:

•Matters: The child has highly educated parents.

•Doesn’t: The child regularly watches TV at home.

•Matters: The child’s parents have high income.

•Doesn’t: The child’s mother didn’t work between birth and kindergarten.

•Matters: The child’s parents speak English in the home.

•Doesn’t: The child’s parents regularly take him to museums.

•Matters: The child’s mother was 30 or older at time of the child’s birth.

•Doesn’t: The child parents are still together.

•Matters: The child’s parents are involved in the PTA.

•Doesn’t: The child is regularly spanked at home.

So, museum visits are no better than regular trips to the cinema, and whilst we are on the subject of film, watching TV doesn’t do any damage either! The most interesting conclusion is one that I find a bit disturbing; that parenting technique is actually overrated. Because what Levitt and Dubner prove is that the results your child will achieve are linked to who you as the parents are and not what you do.

OK, let me make an obvious observation here. The results are actually showing us that the children who achieve the best results come from “privileged homes”. For example, it wasn’t that they went to museums or weren’t allowed to watch TV, or that the family homestead was still intact, or even that the parents read to their child. Rather, it was that the parents took an active role in the child’s school life, that they had a higher income (it didn’t matter where they lived by the way) and that they were well educated themselves that made all the difference.

So actually, it’s not that parents don’t matter. Of course they do! The problem is that by the time most parents are thinking of having a child and start to read up on parenting techniques, it’s too late. The things that matter the most were decided long ago. What do you think?

A number of you have written in suggesting topics for our articles and what seems to be a common theme amongst some of our readers is that of “fussy eaters”. You probably know exactly what I’m talking about; kids who just don’t like the good, healthy food you are putting in front of them. Funnily enough, I think I can write quite competently on this challenging subject as I’ve experienced a fussy eater first hand! 

Do any of you recognise this parental struggle?

“My child has been a fussy eater for a while now and it appears that the list of “acceptable” foods is growing shorter by the week. The daily battles over food and meal times is really starting to get me down and sometimes a just want to give in… but I do want her to eat more than fries and chicken. What can I do?”

First things first 

If you have a fussy eater in the house, the chances are that the problem isn’t with the food(s) they are refusing to eat, per se. It sounds strange, I know, but the truth is the problem is in the child’s attitude to food in general. Our 6 year old – thankfully – has a broad palate and finds food interesting. She is at ease around food and enjoys eating. Mealtimes are great, because in general she’ll approach the table with a view that anything will be fine.

A fussy eater simply doesn’t have that kind of ease around food. Instead, food will ignite strong feelings for him or her. And it doesn’t matter what is happening with the food – it can be too salty, too sweet, too creamy, too thick, too gooey, it can be that two foods are touching on the plate, or that there is too much of a particular colour – the feelings are intense and emotionally charged.

So, if you’re expecting a fussy eater to think rationally about eating food, you can forget it! Insisting that food has to be eaten, trying to hide greens, and telling them they won’t get dessert are conventional parenting tactics that just don’t work in the long term.

Understanding child psychology

When a child exhibits a “bad” attitude towards food, this normally stems from a deep negative feeling that occurred early in childhood. In reality, that “bad” attitude is actually just a response that is borne out of fear or frustration, which can usually be traced to some sort of earlier trauma. Sometimes that trauma isn’t even food related. It sounds strange, I know, but let me explain.

Research has shown that kids who scream when a jumper is pulled over their heads are very often the same kids whose births were long and difficult. A simple everyday occurrence (taking off a jumper) triggers what seems like an abnormal response for the situation. What is actually happening is that a highly charged emotional memory is being activated.

If that emotional memory isn’t addressed, the fear or frustration can stay parked inside the child and his or her emotional makeup becomes saturated with triggers that can tip those feelings into play. And those triggers can migrate from having to take a jumper off, to being a fussy eater, for example.

Very often, children who are fussy eaters also have other emotional triggers; they don’t like getting dressed, they wake several times at night, they can’t sit at the dinner table for any length of time, or they don’t like having their hair washed. These are the tell tale signs that there is a deeper emotional memory that hasn’t been addressed yet.

What approach should you take with a fussy eater?

The good news is that, once you know what you are dealing with, tackling these seemingly irrational imbalances isn’t difficult. Pestering your child, holding your child to ransom, and forcing your child to eat certain foods are not – I repeat NOT – the actions that will help in the long term.

One of the most important things in this situation, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT FORCE FEED YOUR KIDS.

Whilst some of these short term tactics may deliver immediate results, they do not ease the child’s attitude about food. If anything, they will actually do more harm in the long term because they will perpetuate tension for the child (and parent) thereby affirming the negative emotional memory.

Instead, you should listen to your child and allow him or her to offload their feelings. By venting and releasing, the overall emotional charge from his/her fear will lessen. With the right approach, your child will gradually become better at sampling foods, and eventually even enjoy trying new foods (shock horror!).

Making food fun

No matter where the emotional memory has started, the first thing to do to start changing their attitude is to make things fun. When children are caught in a behavioural pattern that pits them against a certain activity (like eating), pushing them to do that one simple thing only increases the underlying tension and becomes a highly charged emotional event. In these situations, forcing the matter won’t do anything other than intensify the opposition against it. (Does this sound all too familiar? I know it does to me!)

So the first thing to do is play along with them. Make light of their behaviours. Perhaps even imitate your child’s attitudes toward food. Of course you have to do this playfully; you are not meant to be mocking them or making fun of them. In a light-hearted manner, try joining in with their disgust at the vegetables on the dinner table. Make funny faces at the brussel sprouts, stick out your tongue at the broccoli, say “eeww” at the mash potato and (maybe even) flick a carrot off your plate!

Your purpose here is to engender a light-hearted, fun, and playful approach to food. The aim is to get your kid laughing at the good-humour and having a fun time around meal time. In the long run, this type of laughter will have a healing affect and cancel out the negative connotations and aversions that are currently in place.

Once you start playing and having fun around food, your kid won’t feel singled out as the one with the problem. Instead, you will both be spending good humoured and light hearted time during meals. The food loses the focus, and that focus turns to the relationship between the two of you. Once that happens, your child will be left feeling uplifted that eating has become less serious, and you should see him or her become much more relaxed when it comes to eating.

Give the child a choice and get them involved

One really good way of tackling the fear a child may have around food is to get them child involved with choosing the meal and then making it. The best way I have found to do this involves taking a couple (2 or 3) paper plates, drawing lines across them and then writing down the parts of the meal in the separate quarters. You create a different meal for each plate and let the child decide which one they will have. For example, one plate may have chicken, peas, mash, sweet corn… another plate could have broccoli, fish fingers, carrots, couscous… the options are endless. A little tip: when you draw the different parts of the meal in the quarters of the paper plate, make it colourful and interesting (kids will find it much more appealing). That way you can ensure that your child has all the right components in their food (vegetables, nutrients, protein etc) and your kid has control over which plate they decide.

Once they have decided on their meal, you can now get them involved in the cooking. Kids love mashing potatoes, stirring pots, rolling out dough, and making cookies. Remember that anything that gets them involved with food will release any of the negative emotional triggers that they used to harbour. Baking a cake together is great way to involve a child in cooking. Personally, I remember there was nothing better than being able to lick the mixing bowl clean after making cookie dough!

Teach your child about the origins of food

Finally, I find by educating children about where food has come from, they lose some of the irrational fear surrounding it. Explain and show how fruit and veggies are grown in the earth… tell them that, just like people, they start off as a little seed and with the right care and love they grow into these beautiful plants bearing gorgeous fruits and vegetables. How amazing!

Once you start demystifying the world of food, children tend to be a lot more open to trying new things.

Keep things simple

Last, but not least, one of the common mistakes when encouraging children to try new foods is to make too big a deal of the whole thing. If a child feels under pressure or is the focus of attention during a stressful situation, they will naturally clam up (just like adults do). So the key is to keep things light-hearted and not make a scene. Even if they do start trying new foods, don’t start jumping up and down, hollering, and calling in the neighbours to witness the event! Just give them a gentle “well done” and then go on as normal… make them feel it is a perfectly natural thing to enjoy good food.

Take your time

Like most things, re-educating a child and changing a behavioural pattern can take time. Don’t expect that you’ll see your child make a U-Turn in their eating habits within a week! However, if you follow the guidelines above, with the right approach, patience, and light-hearted fun, I’m sure you will see a significant improvement in your child attitude towards food in the long run.

Earlier this year, The Children’s Society, a charity associated with the Church of England, released the first independent national enquiry into the well-being of children and – this isn’t going to fall favourably on many ears – they have laid a lot of blame on working mothers for the breakup of traditional families and what they believe is the resultant psychological damage to children.

Whoa there, don’t shoot the messenger! I’m merely relaying information, and – I’ll make this clear – I don’t agree with the inferences made in the report, which I think are simplistic and draw to many linear conclusions (life is never that simple).

For example, the report says that children whose parents separates are 50% more likely to have lower grades at school, display behavioural problems or suffer from anxiety and depression. They refer to the increase in mothers going back to work as the reason the child doesn’t have a stable family life. To that I say “where is the father in all of this?”.

It may surprise you that in Australia 22% of children aged 17 and under live apart from one parent (that figure is 33% in the UK). With that in mind, I can accept that kids of separated parents may be disadvantaged if and when the parents both go off to lead their own lives and leave the kids to fend for themselves, but surely looking after children of a divorce or separation isn’t the sole responsibility of the mother.

The study also found a discrepancy between the generations in their view on the impact of parental discord. For example, 70 % of children said that their parents getting on was one of the most important factors in them being happy, while only 30 % of parents agreed with that statement.

OK OK, so what do we take from all of this? Are there lessons to be learnt here?

I think that maintaining a career and feeling guilty go hand in hand for many working mums. But the truth is that as long as a child is cared for and has the appropriate support and time from parents, then there are a number of benefits of having a working mum.

For a start, working mums are typically good role models for juggling time. Their diverse interests and commitments can offer intellectual stimulation, which rubs off on children and can lift aspirations. Also, kids tend to be more self-reliant and confident when mums work and are less inclined to stereotypical views of male-female roles in society.

Professor Lois Hoffman from the University of Michigan, whose book, Mothers at Work: Effects on Children’s Wellbeing, says “daughters of employed women are more independent, less shy and feel more competent and capable”. She found children of working mothers had less traditional gender-role attitudes, with girls seeing women as more competent in traditionally male roles and boys and girls believing it was OK for men to do housework. Professor Hoffman also found fathers became more involved in housework and childcare when their wives re-entered the workforce and this had a positive effect on children.

Of utmost importance in this web of competing priorities and limited time is the role of the father. First and foremost, men in today’s society are increasingly expected to have a greater role in the lives of their children. I think it’s absolutely right that men are becoming more and more involved in the care of the child and that they are taking responsibility for the housework too.

My experience shows that the most balanced children come from an environment where they have strong relationships with both parents (whether those parents are separated or not).

And the facts show that a working mother doesn’t necessarily spend less time with the children anyway. Analysis carried out by the Social Policy Research Centre at the University of NSW shows that, incredibly, even when childcare is used, working mums spend almost as much time with their children as mums who don’t work. “How do they do that?” you may well ask… Well, apparently what gets left out is “me time”.

The reality is that there is a very clear link between the wellbeing of parents and strong parent-child relationships. It doesn’t matter if the parents are separated, stay at home, or working. As long as the father or mother is happy and spends quality time with their child, then the child will benefit from seeing their parents juggle work and life.

So the key, no matter your personal situation, is good time management. Clearly identifying the boundaries between work and home and managing the priorities that both require. Here are some tips to help you:

• Get organised; make a plan & prioritise your responsibilities
• Write a do list & be realistic about what you can achieve day to day
• Decide what you can live with & what needs your attention
• Accept help & seek support in areas where you need it
• Make time out for you (eg sleep when baby sleeps or take a long bath when your partner comes home)
• Take a reality check
• Trust your instincts
• Don’t sweat the small stuff
• Take time to reflect and enjoy the little milestones

So whether you are a single parent, whether you are a stay-at-home or a career mum, combining work and family can be a significant challenge. But with the right planning a good balance can be achieved. Remember that you are not the first to go through it, many parents have paved the way for you so believe in yourself, set your goals and be proud of your parenting achievements.