OK, he has written a spellbinding account of the dying of our planet and it really is a bleak and “turn-paging” adventure as two pilgrims (man and son) follow a raod to nowhere.

I should add at this stage that after reading the book, I also saw the movie and I thought it was an excellent adaptation: it left very little out and was absolutely true to the book. As you may have guessed, I loved them both.

We are shown a world in which the only colour that we see is in the unconditional love between the father and his son. Other than that, fire and firestorms have consumed forests and cities, and from the fall of ashes and soot everything is gray, and the waters are black.

McCarthy has been known to espouse the topic of death in his novels, and death reaches very near totality in this novel. Billions of people have died, all animal and plant life, the birds of the air and the fishes of the sea are dead. The survivors (not many) of the barbaric wars that followed the apocalyptic event wear masks against the perpetual cloud of soot in the air. And the remaining few people left are predominantly found in cannibalistic gangs who are constantly searching for their next “meal”.

But for me, the context (or the backdrop) of novel played second fiddle to what I thought made the book the success it is… and that is the amazing relationship that one man has with his son. A man in his late 40’s and his son, about 10, both unnamed, are walking a desolated road and it is through the voice of the father that McCarthy delivers his vision of end times. The son, born after the sky opened, has no memory of the world that was. What we are told (and what continues to be the moral dilemma that exists even at the end of the book) is that the boy’s mother committed suicide rather than face starvation, rape and the cannibalizing of herself and the family, and she mocks her husband for going forward.

And therein lies the rub; was she right, or was the father? Cormac  describes such a bleak and hopeless world that we can’t help but think the mother may have made the better (and probably more merciful) decision. But who could take their own child’s life? Even in the worst of times?

And that’s the beauty of father. He’s a man with a mission and in his own words (when he shoots a thug who tries to murder his boy) he tells his son: “My job is to take care of you. I was appointed to do that by God. I will kill anyone who touches you.”

McCarthy does not say how or when God entered this man’s being and his son’s, nor does he say how or why they were chosen to survive together for 10 years, to be among the last living creatures on the road. The man believes the world is finished and that he and the boy are “two hunted animals trembling like groundfoxes in their cover. Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it.” But the man is a grafter, pushing himself and the boy to the edge of death to achieve their unspecified destination, persisting beyond will in a drive that is instinctual, or primordial, and bewildering to even himself.

The tale is as much about what an adult does for his child as it is anything else. It questions the traditional “protective” role of a parent and paints for the reader a picture of parenthood that is unique and unforgiving. The love between the father and his son – expressed in their quicksilver conversations – is what makes an otherwise dismal-to-the-point-of-unreadable tale accessible. Money and gold mean nothing, nor do government, education, books, politics, history, friends, home. The pilgrimage is plotless but it races with tension, a sequence of enemy encounters or sightings, the perpetual danger from the killing weather, huddling under blanket and tarp, endlessly gathering firewood, confronting mysteries the dead world presents to a man seeking (and finding) water and food in the deserted houses, barns and boats that survived the firestorms. The father is ingenious and unconditional.

I finished the book unsure of how to feel. I was deeply upset by this post apocalyptic work, in which goodness was hard to find. Yet the father and son, brave and loving and good but tongue-tied on what they were to do or what they were to become, gave me reason to read on. But what was the reason for this unlikely couple of survivors to keep going? Of that, Cormac is unclear. Was it of the boy’s becoming? Or his mission to redeem a dead world? Nothing is said. I (and others that I know who have read the book) could only think of our children on completing the book. Sad, but true.

If you’ve read it, let me know what you thought. If you haven’t, give it a go and tell me if you enjoyed it. Good luck.

apart from the time I accidently stepped on one of the school gerbils during playtime and my mate Tommy – thinking I had killed the creature and trying to save me from accusations of murder – decided to hide the body by flushing it down the toilet. It was a bad experience; the gerbil hadn’t actually died, but just been knocked out and the cold water obviously revived him just at the point where his life was precariously being flushed away. The poor thing started swimming for his life and recognising Tommy’s mistake I lunged for the toilet in a bid to save said gerbil from a watery demise. All would have been well if the story had ended there, but unfortunately our shenanigans had been heard by the Head Teacher who was passing by and now enters the toilets to see me, down on my knees, elbow in the bog, pulling a sodden and spluttering rodent from the u-bend. I can only assume he thought I had some perverse gerbil drowning fixation, because I got detention and I never had the courage (or wherewithal) to try and explain what had actually happened.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, “control”!

As we have seen from the above story, there are some things we will never be able to control. Parenting, however, ISN’T one of them. Of course I’m not saying that as parents we are always going to be in control. That would be nonsense and/or wishful thinking. What I am saying is that we can behave in certain ways that will ensure those times of “flow” (when life is like clockwork; everything is going well and your actions are working like a charm) far outweigh times of “wolf” (the reverse of flow).

Knowing what we can’t control

Let’s start with stating the obvious: we don’t have full control over our lives. That being the case, we have to acknowledge that on occasions things can happen to us and to our children which we would prevent if we could, but we can’t. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don’t have full control there. We and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of that control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what’s necessary.

Also, we don’t have absolute control over our children’s behaviour. It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. Sure, we do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn’t mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it necessarily follow that a child whose behaviour is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things (though that can be the cause sometimes). And unless we bring our children up in a vacuum, they are always going to be subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control; their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with other people, frightening incidents… the list goes on.

On occasion (and I hope this is the exception to the rule), we sometimes don’t even have control over our own behaviour. Terrible isn’t it? It’s one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts–whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, “talking back” when we’re trying to gain control. We each have our personal thresholds, past which lose power over our own behaviour. That’s just life.

Understanding what control we should have

I think goals that we parents can reasonably set for ourselves are to a) enjoy our children, to b) recognise you and your children are on a journey together and therefore to c) keep learning throughout that journey. These are things that we can control and that will ensure we are on the right track. If we are learning, then we know how to be in charge of some things, and we are figuring all the rest of it out in a sometimes messy, haphazard way. As parents, some “I’m learning, not controlling” strategies can be immensely helpful.

For example, actively notice what’s fun, what’s good, and what is working well. Our minds get so fixed on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of who we like, what goes well, and the little things we learn. It may help to put a list on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, where a few words of what was good each day can be written down for all to see. Some families start dinner with a round of “what was good today?” so that the children get to join in, and have the chance to have the whole family listen to their experience.

Welcome your children’s feelings. Feelings are a big part of children’s lives, and expressing these feelings is how children recover from the hard things, big and small, that happen to them. Crying, tantrums, and laughter all are deeply healing for children. Expressing these emotions at length gets rid of children’s feelings that their lives aren’t good enough. When they’re finished, they regain their sense of loving and being loved. It helps if you can get close and listen to them through the stormy upsets, but if you can’t, see if it’s possible to keep from criticizing, shaming, hurting, or blaming them while they get the sad or the mad feelings out.

If you find that you are losing control more often than you would like, try and find a listener for your own feelings. Parents have feelings, too, which unfortunately we often tuck away as if they didn’t exist. Indeed, some people equate the “tucking away” of feelings to being “in control” of our lives! Rubbish! The problem is that feelings don’t tuck well forever. If our worries, frustrations, and anger doesn’t get released, at some point something will finally give, and that’s worse. Much better to find a supportive ear (your partner, your parents, your friends) and use them to talk to. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we’re trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our step and help us remember that we are only human and probably – in the bigger scheme of things – doing a pretty good job, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don’t have at the moment.

When there are things you can’t control, make a mental note and spend some time (whenever is convenient) trying to figure it out. Talk to others about it. There are many things that happen during my day that I don’t understand. Why won’t my child willingly brush her teeth? Why is she scared of the dark? Why does my tween sister suddenly think I’m the dorkiest person she’s ever known? Hey, I don’t have the answers to these questions right now, but when the time is right I’ll do some research into them. Being open about what we don’t know is an excellent learning strategy. It makes us active seekers of information and understanding. And I’ve found it’s totally fine to be open with children when we don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do about you refusing to keep your room clean. I’m thinking about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow” is a fine approach to a problem with a child. And now that you’ve bought some time, you can ask some other people to see if they have any good ideas (or call your mum and ask what she did when you didn’t clean your room).

Never be afraid to ask for help. Building bridges, operating a supermarket, providing intensive care nursing, and raising children are just some of the kinds of work that are always done better when you have a team of people working towards a common purpose. Any experienced parent will tell you that every parent needs time away from their children, every parent needs others to care about their children, every parent needs people to think and talk with about the details of life with children. Every parent needs help!

Don’t forget to have fun

When it really comes down to it, you’re probably better off throwing expectations overboard. It’s great when you feel you are in control, but when you’re working too hard to appreciate yourself or anyone else, sometimes it’s better to let control take a back seat. Hey, it’s OK if the house is messy for a few weeks… you know what, your child (and partner) isn’t going to die if they miss a hot meal or two… and you can always make up with in-laws or friends you slighted because you missed a birthday or luncheon. You get to decide what’s really necessary and what’s not, and keeping up appearances while parenting is often a joy-killer. You have permission to let things get ragged, and still be proud of yourself, your family, and your decisions.

The most important thing is that you enjoy parenting (for the most part). Set up play that includes laughter. Children love to laugh, and when we are willing to play with them so they can laugh (without tickling them!), they become buoyant and hopeful. It’s infectious. We see them wriggling with enjoyment, coming toward us for fun and lots of contact, and we can’t help but be pleased. We have lots to learn from children about how a really good life has time for play, wrestling, chasing, where the grownups may “lose,” but everyone wins back their sense that it’s good to be alive. Without the effort to stay in control, it’s often easier to find the joy in things again and then the control will come. Remember, people, it’s all about balance.

1. That I am a primary parent
2. That I am primarily a parent

Let me explain…

Being A Primary Parent

Understanding that you are a primary parent is recognising that your children want and need you as much as they do their mum. I agree that some children grow up without the benefit of a dad being present and they manage well, but you need to know that in an ideal world a child requires a father.

You may think that you are the secondary parent, because children often look like they favour their mums (when they are hurt or down they will go to mum to have their forehead kissed and to be listened to), but this is just the result of cultural circumstance, no more.

If dad was around more often, then you would be the person your child would gravitate to when the chips are down. For example, it is fact that in families in which the dad stays at home, the children will naturally look for his comfort when times are hard, and it’s the mum who has to work her way in from the emotional outskirts of the family.

What I’m getting at is that you, as a dad, don’t have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children’s lives. What makes children grow close to their parents are simple things that any dad can do if he recognises that he is a primary parent (just like mum).

For example, children love to play. If you spend time playing with your kids they will inevitably grow closer to you. Get down to their level and play wrestling games or be their horse and give them rides, or play hide and seek. Just remember to let them win and have a laugh together! Joy and closeness are built through playtimes like these.

Being Primarily A Parent

This is a state of mind more than anything else. In our society there are certain stereotypes that men have to deal with and the pressure to earn a living is right up there. It’s almost as though when you become a dad you have to give up thinking of yourself independently as a man. This is nonsense and this is where understanding you are primarily a parent comes in.

Ask yourself what it means to be a parent. The answers that invariably come up are:

• Loving my children
• Being there for my children
• Participating in my children’s lives
• Understanding my children’s wants and needs
• Having fun with my children
• Knowing what is going on with my children
• Encouraging my children
• Teaching my children
• Enjoying life with my children

Being primarily a parent means concerning yourself most with those points above. Long hours, work worries, and heavy expectations are going to make it hard for you to enjoy your children – and enjoying your children is what being a parent is. So, if you are primarily a parent then you need to let go of those stereotypes that are actually counterproductive.

Your children want you to be there to listen to their feelings. They want to feel loved and cared for. Be kind and patient with your kids, hear them out (even when they are crying over something silly, just listen and provide comfort).  And remember that your children want your life to be good. Working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you will keep you remote from your child.

And finally, your child needs your presence more than the things money can buy. So working all the time in order to give them everything they want will result in a spoilt kid that doesn’t have a close relationship with his/her dad. Not good. It’s OK to say no to the pressure to buy things your children want in order to spend more time with your family. They may cry and storm, it doesn’t matter. If you offer your love, your child will come around, feel closer to you, and that insatiable “I want” will melt into “let’s play” more often.

At the end of the day, a dad belongs in the centre of the family with mum. For that to happen we all need to work together to see to it that fathers have more time with their kids, more peace of mind, and feel more connected to want they really want, so that they can relax and enjoy the rich experience of nurturing children.

Listening to other dads talk about parenting and about what’s important to them is a real help in getting your own priorities right. If you can, join a parent group or speak to other dads. Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children can help put things into perspective. And seeing how good other dads are, how valiantly they struggle to be their best and to care deeply, can be an inspiration and a guide.

Now go and enjoy some time with your kids. J

These things are quite normal and – when you think about it – it’s not surprising that bonding for a dad can be hard at first. Watching your partner give birth – with all the emotion and drama of the experience – can leave you stunned or feeling like a spare part. I mean, honestly, at the end of the day how much are dads actually even necessary in the whole pregnancy? Physiologically, after we’ve donated our sperm, not at all… emotionally, maybe… and to give foot rubs, definitely! So that’s it then; the sum of our necessity is to give foot rubs. And then when you wait for the baby to finally arrive (because you’re sure things will get back to normal then), you find that your partner is constantly exhausted, often grumpy and only has eyes for your baby. It’s not really “happy families”, is it?

Why Is It So Different For Dads?

The experience of becoming a parent is often very different for the father. “I hadn’t realised how all-consuming it would be for my wife,” says my friend James, dad to Thomas, three months. “She was totally focused on Tom, nervous about everything, sleep-deprived… I knew she needed my support but – and I know this sounds terrible – I felt very left out.”

Similarly, many men feel excluded from the strong bonding experience that inevitably occurs between mother and baby throughout the pregnancy, through the labour and finally with breastfeeding. The feeling of traditional roles kicking in can also make many new dads panic. Dads are seen as providers, and suddenly becoming responsible for a vulnerable human being can make them anxious. “Suddenly I thought of all the dangers in the world and was afraid I wouldn’t be strong enough to keep Tom safe,” says James.

Kids Need Their Dads

Here is the good news for us fathers: children absolutely need their dads. All research into this matter shows unequivocal results; that children are more likely to do better at school, to enjoy their childhood, and to feel happy and fulfilled when they have an active father, who gets involved in their life.

Research from the US Department of Education also shows that children whose fathers are not very involved in their daily lives are more likely to drop out of school and to have problems developing relationships of their own.  Child development experts will go so far to say that the alliance between father and son is especially important in the life of a child who has learning and emotional issues.

So, I know that us men aren’t meant to feel vulnerable, but let me tell you now. When you do feel vulnerable and when you do feel left out, remember that your kid needs you. No question, he or she needs their dad and you should know that the efforts you make to get involved in their lives will make the world of difference to them.

As A Dad, Where Do I Start?

First and foremost, start early. Bonding with a baby is far easier than waiting for your child to grow up and then trying to bond. And bonding doesn’t always happen in the blink of an eye so remember that your child is a person in his or her own right and you have to get to know each other.

Top 10 Tips To Help Dads Bond With Baby

Here are some practical tips to specifically help dads bond with their babies.

1. Remember that you play a unique and essential role in your baby’s life. Maternity services are geared up to mums’ needs, which can make dads feel less important.
2. Expect a roller coaster of emotions – feeling worried, confused or overwhelmed is common. Talking to your partner, friends, or a local dads’ group will help.
3. Get involved in your baby’s routine. Babies soon recognise their main carers, so feed and bathe them, clean his or her nappy, and put him to bed as often as possible.
4. Make time for play – your baby will get your full attention and you’ll have fun too. Look for activities you can do together, such as going swimming or to a parent and baby music session.
5. Sing, talk and read to your child. You don’t need to stick to nursery rhymes and children’s books – sing along to your favourite CDs, talk about things you like or make up your own stories.
6. Use physical contact – touch, tickles and cuddles really help build bonds. Take your child into the bath with you.
7. Reflect on what you liked about your own upbringing – the clearer you are about the type of dad you want to be, the easier it’ll be to put into practice.
8. Give your partner a break – spending time looking after the baby on your own will build up your confidence in being a dad.
9. Reflect on what a great dad you are (if you are doing 1-8). The more confident, calm and happy you are, the more secure the bond will be.
10. Don’t be afraid to seek advice – after all, no one teaches you how to be a dad.

At the end of the day, fatherhood is a complex, personal experience that takes time and there’s no magic formula and it can’t be forced. Bonding is the first step and as you become more comfortable with your baby and your new routine becomes more predictable, you, your partner and your child will feel better about the future and the adventure of family life to come.

By thinking about the father you want to be and working at it, you will start to feel confident of the part you play in your child’s life. Enjoy it, show “who is the daddy” and remember that part of the beauty of having two parents is that each parent can have their own style, which helps forge a unique bond with the baby and grows a stronger family unit.

Not that I’m condoning this kind of stereotyping, I’m just highlighting a reality that exists and that is a real issue for many “stay at home dads”. The problem is that gender roles have long been set in stone and being the breadwinner has predominantly been the role of the male. Why should this be the case? In an age where women can be astronauts and brain surgeons, why can’t men be stay at home dads? No matter what people say, the trend is becoming more and more popular as the marketplace opens up for women to earn and do as much as their male counterparts in predominately male occupations.

While stay-at-home dads are in the minority, it is an emerging trend that in today’s families many couples are choosing the man stay at home and raise the children for many reasons. Sometimes the woman has a higher income or is on a fast paced career track that is economically more beneficial for the family. Sometimes the man decides to stay home to be more accessible to his children. Sometimes the couple decides even before they have children who will stay at home. Whatever the reason, these dads are just as vital to the raising of their children and management of their households than stay at home mums are and Stereotyping or criticizing men for choosing to stay at home to raise their children is inappropriate and unproductive.

Stay At Home Dads – Dispelling The Myths

So, if you’re thinking of being a stay-at-home dad you may be pleased to know that you are part of a growing number of men taking on full-time responsibility for childcare. However, although the trend is on the rise, there are a number of negative myths associated with the stay at home dad due to the stereotyping of gender roles which we find present in every level of society. Here are the three most common myths, as well as some information to help dispel the myths:

• Stay-at-home dads are lazy or stupid: Any parent, male or female, who has experienced staying at home to raise children, knows that to do this job effectively, being lazy or stupid is not an option. It is one of the few jobs that is 24/7, with no breaks, no vacation time, and no holidays. These parents supervise, teach, counsel, and keep their children safe, clean, and fed. They also often manage household finances, do all the shopping, clean, keep up with yard work, and ensure that the home and vehicles are maintained. This job requires skills such as multi-tasking, management, communication, problem solving, attention to detail, and leadership. Not everyone is cut out for this unrelenting, stressful, yet rewarding job. Stupid? I don’t think so… lazy? You have to be kidding!

• Stay-at-home dads are either not manly or not as nurturing as a woman: First and foremost, why do these two points have to be mutually exclusive. Can’t a man be “manly” AND “nurturing”? The response to anyone who has this kind of sexist attitude is to educate them away from their very ignorant point of view. Many fathers, whether they work full-time or stay at home, are extremely nurturing. And according to the dictionary, manliness is “the trait of being manly; having the characteristics of an adult male”, which I think covers most things with a penis!

• The wives of stay-at-home dads “wear the pants”: The concept of “wearing the pants” is not only sexist, but antiquated. Having one parent stay home to raise children is a family decision. It is doubtful that most stay-at-home dads would report that their wives forced them to stay home or that they did not have a voice in the decision.

Things To Know About Staying At Home

Whether you’re a stay-at-home mum or dad, the decision to move from work to home can be a journey fraught with difficulties. Here are some issues specific to stay-at-home dads that we’ve come across and our advice to help you through.

Don’t be home alone – seek out a support network
Despite being part of a growing trend, you ought to be aware that, as a man, you’ll be in the minority group as far as stay-at-home parenting is concerned. Be prepared to be the only man in the playground, baby massage class or coffee morning. This, in turn, may make forming a network of friendly parents (a lifeline for any stay-at-home parent or Dad) that bit more difficult. It’s a fact that you’ll probably have to work twice as hard as a woman to get accepted into groups – but it’s well worth making the effort. Other parents will be the support network that makes or breaks you as a parent.

You are sharing an experience – remember that
To make it easy on yourself, it’s a good thing to remember that everyone’s in the same boat as far as the parenting game is concerned. If you’re attending a baby group everyone there is probably new to parenting and desperate to find a friend to share the experience with. Knowing that you’re all in the same boat may make you feel less self-conscious about going up to a group of mums and introducing yourself.

Man-2-Man
Although other mums are a key ally, it’s equally important for you to be able to share your parenting concerns and issues with other men. Seek out other stay at home dads. You can find them on our forums and through this website. You can also ask around to see if there are father groups in your area and, if there aren’t, be brave and start one up!

House husband, stay at home dad, or work from home – know what you do
You may be quite unconcerned with how others view your decision to stay at home, but it’s certainly worth quizzing yourself over how you’ll feel when you give up work to be a stay-at-home parent. If you currently earn the same or more as your partner, how will you feel to become reliant on their income? Make sure you and your partner have discussed – and agreed – how decisions relating to finance and childcare will be made in the future. Also, have your answer ready for when somebody next asks “what do you do”. You may be more comfortable saying you work from home… that’s OK.

When all is said and done, staying at home to raise children is a noble endeavor, as is being the sole financial provider in order to allow the other parent to stay at home. Whatever you do, do it with pride and to the best of your ability. Either way, your kids will love you for it.