Many parents go through life unaware of how much their actions and choices affect their children. Whatever our children see us being and doing, they will invariably copy. For instance, the energy we emit, our coping strategies, our way of reasoning, our type of presence, our general attitude to life and so on and so forth will be the reference point for own our children as they grow and develop. Therefore, every time we feel challenged, it can be a good idea to remind ourselves of this important fact as it will help turn our behaviour into something more positive and thereby help us empower our kids and teach them positive behaviours.
The following 10 positive parenting tips are based on this knowledge of “what you give is what you get” and are aimed at empowering your children in terms of respect, understanding, a degree of autonomy, unconditional love and support.
1 Giving Your Child the Power of Positive Attitude
Our children are often very, very sensitive and susceptible to our own mental state. They’re like sponges – they ‘soak up’ whatever mood you give them. And the younger they are, the more they readily take in what you give them, without question. For instance, if I feel that: “Jeez, my son is difficult today.” Chances are that most likely he is reflecting some of my own ‘stressed’ or ‘negative’ energy.
So being conscious of your own mood and behavior and making a choice as to what you want to transmit to your child is one of the first steps in conscious and positive parenting. Here are more positive parenting tips on maintaining a positive attitude:
• Consider yourself a mirror: “What I emit, will become what my child will feel.” This insight will help you become more conscious of your mood and attitude.
• Notice the way you speak about the world: Do you focus on possibilities (It’s raining, now we’ll get a chance to put on boots and jump in puddles) or limitations (It’s raining and we’ll get wet and cold if we go out.).
2 Positive Expectations Bring out the Best in Your Child
Have you heard of the law of attraction (sometimes referred to as “the Secret”)? It works like this: Whatever you focus on, you’ll get! That’s a bit crude, but that’s essentially it. The point is, if you have positive expectations of your child, he or she will do his or her best to live up to them. However, it also goes the other way around: If you expect your child to disobey you, he or she will sense this lack of trust and ‘obey’ your unsaid intentions. In other words, they’ll behave exactly as you expect.
Here are some things you can do to promote your positive expectations:
• Expect your child to manage a moderately challenging task and show this trust to your child in an energy of confidence and patience. This basic trust from you to your child is extremely empowering to them.
• Positively prepare your child for upcoming events by talking about them in terms of possibilities and positive expectations.
• Expect your evenings to be calm, joyful and full of love and notice how much power your positive expectations have.
3 Passing on Beliefs That Actually Work and Make Sense
The beliefs we hold true are powerful and influential in both good and bad ways. They often work like an invisible force that guides our actions without us being “consciously” aware of what is driving our actions. Whilst some of these beliefs are useful and beneficial for us, there are often others that are inefficient and unhelpful. When your child revolts against your ideas, use this as a great opportunity to check whether your belief is really sound or just “conditioning”.
Here are more positive parenting tips about positive beliefs:
• When you want your kid to do something and your kid doesn’t want to – take a brief look and review it critically (e.g. the belief that a child should be in bed by eight o’clock). Ask yourself: “Is this belief a true absolute? Does it make objective sense and is right for my unique child?”
• When you have an idea and want to review its right for existence, you can ask yourself this: Does the idea stem from my gut / intuition or does the idea feel rigid and un-meaningful. If it feels rigid (“It just has to be this way”) – most likely your idea / belief is a general norm that might not fit your child. If you sense the idea is based on your intuition, you most likely have sensed a true need in your child – then stick to it (your intuition about your own child is usually right!).
4 Trust and Include Your Child
Many of us have grown up believing that in order to develop responsibility and independence, kids must have firm rules and learn to do as they are told. However, by including your child in the process of decision making and letting them have some degree of say, you actually teach your child the skill of responsibility in making choices. By letting your child “choose”, you give him or her the opportunity to learn how the power of their gut feeling works and to trust the signals of their own intuition and bodies. This skill is incredibly valuable in adult life.
Here are more positive parenting tips about positive trust and inclusion:
• Set up a general framework and let your child decide within it. For instance, put only food on the evening table that you can vouch for (ie make sure nothing is unhealthy). Then your kid can choose whatever and as much as he or she wants. This is empowerment in the sense that it will teach your child to trust his or her own bodily instincts as to what his or her body craves today and what it doesn’t need today.
• Give your child a little more space for challenges (e.g. high climbing on the playground) than your fear normally allows you. This will show your child that you trust him or her. This trust helps your child believe in himself or herself.
5 Open up Your Child’s View on the World with Positive Language
Language is incredibly powerful. It can either open up the world with possibilities and potential of fun or lock it down with limitations and bans. Here are some positive uses of language:
• Think about only using “No” when absolutely necessary: For instance, instead of saying “No, you can’t sit in the front seat, you’re too small” turn it around to positive statement of possibility: “The backseat is your seat. There you’ll have all your toys and you can help mum or dad find out which way to go!”
• Explain the necessary “No’s” with a thorough explanation in terms of concrete consequences: “I’m sorry but you can’t play with your cars in the middle of the road. Your see the cars coming there? They come very fast and might not see you out there. And if they don’t see you, they might hit you. And that will hurt a lot. So don’t you think it’s a better idea to make your racetrack in the garden – I think it is!”
6 Make Your Day Easier by Tuning in to and Understanding Your Child
Everyday life can be so much easier if we actually bother to try and understand why our child acts the way he or she does. Often when our child is angry or cranky it’s because he or she has a need (e.g. attention, acceptance, hunger, fatigue, touch etc.) that he or she needs us to fulfill. By trying to put yourself in your child’s shoes and trying to understand their actions from their perspective, you’re taking your child seriously. This is the basic recipe of respect.
Here are some positive parenting tips about positive empathy:
• When your child is sad or angry, try to remain calm and tune in to your child to try to ‘read’ what kind of need (e.g. attention, acceptance, hunger, fatigue, touch etc.) lies behind the behavior and try to do what you can to fulfill the need.
• Try to not see your child as naughty or an enemy that needs to be fought or ‘broken’ in order to become compliant. A much more satisfying way to deal with a crisis is to merely see your child as having a need that is not met. Looking at the situation in this way may feel like a difficult turnaround in your head, but it really works.
7 Strive Towards Positive Honesty
Some parents (me included!) think they can get themselves out of a difficult situation with their child by telling a “little white lie”. For instance, I might be inclined to say “No, there are no onions in this bolognaise”, knowing full well that she won’t be able to taste them anyway! It’s a quick fix, but the problem with this strategy is that whilst it works effectively in getting your child to eat the bolognaise (and onions) right then and there, it fails on two accounts. First, it doesn’t tackle the issue that your child has with onions and second, at some point your child will find out you’re lying and by implication think that it’s okay to lie if it makes life instantly easier for themselves.
Here are some positive parenting tips about honesty:
• When your kid honestly tells you about something ‘bad’ he or she has done, try to remain calm, open and constructive. In the long term you want your child to come to you if he or she is in trouble. If your child fears your reaction (being angry or disappointed) it is highly likely that he or she will keep his or her trouble to himself or herself in the future. Therefore support your kid’s honesty, no matter what they are telling you!
• Your child is never too young to have an honest explanation. If your child doesn’t understand a “no” or wants to know why something works the way it does – strive to give a positively centered and honest explanation based on simple consequences: For instance: “When you hit Jess, she doesn’t like it. It makes her arm hurt and then she’ll cry. If Jess takes something from you, it’s a good idea to say to her that you want it back. You can also tell one of the adults about it.”
8 Respecting Your Child Will Make Your Child Respect You
For some reason many people think that just because their child is younger, they are not fully entitled to respect. However, what they don’t see is that if they give their child respect, they will in turn learn to respect too. Here are some positive parenting tips about positive respect:
• Respect is not something you teach your child. Respect is something you give your child if you want him or her to respect you. In fact, whatever basic life skills (being compassionate, understanding, patient etc.) you want your child to learn, demonstrate those skills yourself.
• When you try to see things from your kid’s perspective, you are much less prone to struggle and force things through in a disrespectful manner. When you respect your child’s boundaries (accepting that he or she might not want to go to the toilet right now or or doesn’t feel like eating), your child will intuitively learn not to cross your boundaries.
9 Shower Your Child with Your Full Presence and Attention
Your full presence is probably one of the most powerful tools you have as a parent. In itself, it is often a therapeutic, comforting, and healing thing for a child (just to have their parents there).
• Paying attention to our kid when we are busy is difficult. However, it’s quite easy to involve your child in whatever tasks we as parents are doing (cleaning, cooking, etc) and in doing so you are showing them attention. This can have a tremendous effect as your child will feel seen and heard and will therefore be more prone to accepting your situation.
• When your kid is showing bad behavior or is angry and frustrated – try to not ride along the same emotional wave. Meet your child with an accepting and embracing energy instead – this is unconditional parenting. There’s a reason for the frustration and you accepting your child no matter how he or she behaves is incredibly important to them.
10 Unconditionally Support Your Child to Build High Self Esteem
Some people believe that constantly praising your child’s actions will build high self esteem. Whilst positive affirmation is undoubtedly a powerful and necessary tool in building your child’s confidence and self belief it is important that your child doesn’t come to think that affection only comes from doing well. The idea that “If I behave and impress my parents I will get positive attention” programs your child to seek praise because that is where he or she has learnt an award awaits: namely feeling seen and admired.
However, unconditional support – supporting who your child is, no matter what – is another matter completely. Here are some positive parenting tips about positive support:
• Try not to evaluate your child’s actions entirely in terms of accomplishments or failures: “This drawing is really, really good” or “This is not that good”. Whilst congratulating them on a good job is great, try to also include your kid’s feeling of the process “Tell me about your drawing. It looks like you had a great time doing it. What does it mean? Why did you choose this colour?”
• Try not to use punishment, threats or bribes as ways to control your child’s behavior: rewarding your child when he or she lives up to your standards (“You’re a good boy or girl) and punishing your kid when he or she fails (“You’re a bad boy or girl), is unfortunate. You actually teach your child that he or she has to ‘earn’ your love or to work for it. This means that your child will identify love with his or her accomplishments rather than his or her person. What we want as parents is that our child feels loved simply for who they are, not what they do.
Positive parenting is a powerful, yet easy method of parenting. When done properly it offers a style which is focused on what really works for both your child and for you. Very often it’s just about doing what feels right and following our common sense along with our strong gut feeling. But, as we all know, life with children (at whatever age) isn’t always easy! Everybody – even the most resourceful of parents – needs support, new inspiration, practical tips and parenting advice at some point or other. Hopefully you can get something out of the above tips. They certainly work for me. Remember, though, that parenting differs from family to family and what works for some doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for others. Trust your intuition about what is right, and that is often the best advice.
Good luck and happy parenting!
