It’s the end of the holidays for our daughter and she’s just moved into a new year and a new class. So, how’s she coping? Well, in my experience children love to learn and it’s as natural as breathing to them… and she’s no different. She is at a school which promotes learning through play and it works well for her.
The experience at school, with its new challenges, interaction with other children, and opportunities to master powerful skills like reading and math, should be exciting and fun for kids. So imagine my surprise when I heard our 7 year old saying that they thing she liked best about school was that the teachers listened to her! How simple and yet how profound.
What does a child need in order to learn?
What our little girl brought to life is that children can learn only when they feel safe and welcome. At school this means they need to know that their teachers like them and think they’re special. They need to know that they won’t be bullied or made fun of on the playground or in the hallways. They need encouragement, high expectations, and a good deal of fun.
Once these basics are met then they can relax enough to absorb information and new skills. Just as in the home environment, children need kindness, affection, and some measure of one-on-one time if they are ever going to develop. For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that the emotional needs of children are met both at home and in the schools.
That got me thinking about specific things I do to ensure my daughter feels loved at home. Let me list what I think are the essentials:
Plenty of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels her confidence and frees her mind of little worries.
Plenty of fun stuff and learning through play. In my experience children learn best through play and hands-on activities. Not just at home, but also at school. The classrooms that seem to be the most effective are the ones where children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they’ve learned.
The freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. In our household we try not to think of them as “mistakes” and/or “failures”, but rather a learning.
To be treated fairly. A child’s keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means there are limits and boundaries, but it doesn’t mean you belittle them or attack them when they cross the boundary.
When a child isn’t able to concentrate or to learn, there’s usually an emotional issue that blocks their progress. This is the position children are normally in when they aren’t doing well at school. When they can’t write a story, can’t memorize their times tables, or can’t sit down to their homework, they feel upset, and often scared. That being the case, the first thing I want from a school and my children’s teachers is to ensure my child is feeling safe, welcome, and wanted
That then got me thinking about what the school is responsible for. Whilst schools should be able to provide an environment that children are feel emotionally safe in, schools are not solely set up to help children with the tensions that keep them from learning and getting along. This is a job we parents need to do.
Children want their parents to be the ones to listen
The dilemma is that children need more one-on-one attention while they are learning; this is only natural when you think about it. But unfortunately, it’s at school (where most of the learning is meant to take place) that children need to compete for the attention of just one adult. If we ever get to the point where schools are genuinely supportive to children, we’ll probably look back at present class sizes, at the lack of support for teachers, and at the lack of services for children experiencing difficulties in learning, and think of conditions in our times as rather primitive!
Since these conditions are what they are, almost every child will experience some difficult times in school. It’s inevitable. So here are a few guiding principles that you may find helpful when they hit a hard patch.
It doesn’t help to blame your child, yourself, or the teacher for the difficulty. You aren’t to blame. Your child isn’t to blame. The teacher is not to blame. No matter who has made mistakes, the heart of the matter is the lack of support and assistance for everyone involved.
First, listen to your child about the difficulty. He or she is obviously feeling hurt and upset, and they can’t solve the problem in that state. See if you can be warm and positive enough to help them work the through the pain. For example, children can often work through their feelings of victimization and come up with their own solutions to troubles at school, if they have the chance to offload the feelings in big, hard cries at home.
Let your child be in charge of the solutions. After your child has shed big feelings of upset, and after you’ve spent some time just being close to him or her, ask what he or she wants to do. Listen carefully. There may be a role you can play in advocating for him or her with the teacher or helping him or her talk with his or her friends. But don’t assume that because your child brought their feelings to you, that they want you to take charge of the situation. Many times, children can think of how they want to take charge after one or several good cries.
If you do decide to take matters to the teachers or other children make sure you get the whole story first. If your child does want you to approach a teacher or other students, listen well before you attempt to find solutions. A teacher, principal, or student needs to have their side of the story heard before they will be able to change a viewpoint or cooperate toward a fresh solution. If things aren’t working well, they feel badly about it, even if they’re acting like they don’t. Fresh, workable behavior comes only from a mind that’s been freed a bit from its troubles by a good listener, a listener who cares about all the parties involved.
At the end of the day, school should be a place of fun and comfort as well as a insitute for learning. This shouldn’t be surprising given that the children are most able to absorb and retain information when they feel secure and safe.
