I read an article recently about a 61 year old man in Georgia who slapped a two year (not his own, and not even anyone he knew) in a shop for being naughty. The man was arrested and charged with cruelty to a child.
This led me to thinking about a book, “The Slap”, by Christos Tsiolkas that I also read, which is a story about how an event – a man slapping a child who wasn’t his own at a suburban BBQ – affects a group of people, friends, relatives, who are all directly or indirectly influenced by the slap.
It opened the door to plenty of debate between me and my friends, because is raises the question: should someone else discipline another person’s child? And if so, what are the “rules of engagement” and, subsequently, what is considered an appropriate level of discipline?
As parents, we are usually around children a lot of the time. So it’s inevitable that at some point you’re going to experience another child demonstrating bad behaviour. That’s to be expected and most of us don’t pay it much (if any) attention and get on with our lives as usual. What happens, however, if another child hurts your child? What if they bite them or hit them or push them over causing considerable pain? And what if the aggressor’s parents don’t do anything (or aren’t there to see the incident)?
Interesting questions, aren’t they?
I have to say that in canvassing opinion on these points, I’ve been surprised at the way society seems to be leaning on this. According to a Parenting Survey conducted by AOL, 33% of respondents felt that you should never discipline another person’s child unless you have been given expressed permission by their parent to do so. Over 60% said they wouldn’t discipline another child if their parents were around even if the parents hadn’t taken any action.
I totally accept that seeing someone else reprimand your child makes you instantly protective of them, but are you really at liberty to be upset that your child has been scolded for doing something wrong. Wrong is wrong and right is right and however much you want to defend your children, they have to understand the difference between good and bad behaviour and that will only happen if they are “told off” when they do something unacceptable.
In an ideal world I would say that in the first instance, the parent of the child responsible for the misdemeanour should, of course, be the one who decides on and carries out the disciplining. But if that parent isn’t around (or doesn’t do anything) then surely the parent of the victim has a legitimate right to let the aggressor know that his or her behaviour isn’t appropriate.
I’m not saying that I agree with slapping another person’s child, by the way! I think that discipline should rarely (if ever) involve physical contact and (unless you have a special agreement with the other parents) certainly not when it’s another person’s child. But the idea that we simply aren’t allowed to tell off someone else’s kids (even when they are doing wrong) is a bit too “new age” for me.
On thinking through this conundrum, I came across some sage advice when it comes to disciplining someone else’s kids:
- First, stick to house rules. So, instead of saying “you are not allowed to play ball” you would say “we don’t play ball inside our house”. The problem with this is that it only works if you’re on your own turf!
- If another child or an animal might get hurt, then you have a right to step in before something happens.
- But, when you do step in, don’t “punish” (and certainly not physically). Just take away possessions or give time-outs.
- Finally, never hit or spank someone else’s child, even if you spank your own kids. If for no other reason, you can get into trouble with the law and you also run the risk of serious repercussions.
According to parenting blogger, Myra Turner, when disciplining children you should remember the 4 R’s: Respond, Review, Reflect and Right the Wrong. For example, if someone shoves your child you would first respond to the situation. In a calm voice, ask the aggressor to think about his actions asking a question such as, “Why did you shove little Johnny?” Next, you want to review why the behaviour is wrong. For example, talk about how shoving can be dangerous and why playing nicely is a good thing. Then reflect on the behaviour’s effect, in this case how it makes the other child feel. You can also ask how the other child would feel if you shoved him and pushed him over. And finally, move on to right the wrong. Ask the child how he can remedy the situation. In this case, he could apologize and/or give your child a hug.
One parent I know operates by a hierarchy of who can discipline whom. She says that if your kid hurts another child you have first dibs at telling them off. If you weren’t there the parent of the “victim” gets second rights, but if you are nearby they should let you know what has happened and let you deal with it. In situations where neither parents are around then a parent who did see it should let you both know so you can choose how to deal with it.
Personally, I find that a little too “softly softly” for my liking, but maybe a little bit of preparation ahead of time, where you talk to other parents and make a list of rules and similar “hierarchies” can help prevent awkward situations from arising later on. What do you think?
