First, let me take this opportunity to thank everyone that has written in, commented on articles, provided feedback, and just been reading and supporting us here at Practicing Parents. It can be a lonely world out here in cyberspace so it’s a really great boost when people make contact and tell us what they think about our site. For the most part, the feedback has been very positive, but I’m always happy to hear about how we can make things even better. So, if you’ve got any ideas, or have something to say, I’d love to hear from you.
A number of you have written in suggesting topics for our articles and what seems to be a common theme amongst some of our readers is that of “fussy eaters”. You probably know exactly what I’m talking about; kids who just don’t like the good, healthy food you are putting in front of them. Funnily enough, I think I can write quite competently on this challenging subject as I’ve experienced a fussy eater first hand!
Do any of you recognise this parental struggle?
“My child has been a fussy eater for a while now and it appears that the list of “acceptable” foods is growing shorter by the week. The daily battles over food and meal times is really starting to get me down and sometimes a just want to give in… but I do want her to eat more than fries and chicken. What can I do?”
First things first
If you have a fussy eater in the house, the chances are that the problem isn’t with the food(s) they are refusing to eat, per se. It sounds strange, I know, but the truth is the problem is in the child’s attitude to food in general. Our 6 year old – thankfully – has a broad palate and finds food interesting. She is at ease around food and enjoys eating. Mealtimes are great, because in general she’ll approach the table with a view that anything will be fine.
A fussy eater simply doesn’t have that kind of ease around food. Instead, food will ignite strong feelings for him or her. And it doesn’t matter what is happening with the food – it can be too salty, too sweet, too creamy, too thick, too gooey, it can be that two foods are touching on the plate, or that there is too much of a particular colour – the feelings are intense and emotionally charged.
So, if you’re expecting a fussy eater to think rationally about eating food, you can forget it! Insisting that food has to be eaten, trying to hide greens, and telling them they won’t get dessert are conventional parenting tactics that just don’t work in the long term.
Understanding child psychology
When a child exhibits a “bad” attitude towards food, this normally stems from a deep negative feeling that occurred early in childhood. In reality, that “bad” attitude is actually just a response that is borne out of fear or frustration, which can usually be traced to some sort of earlier trauma. Sometimes that trauma isn’t even food related. It sounds strange, I know, but let me explain.
Research has shown that kids who scream when a jumper is pulled over their heads are very often the same kids whose births were long and difficult. A simple everyday occurrence (taking off a jumper) triggers what seems like an abnormal response for the situation. What is actually happening is that a highly charged emotional memory is being activated.
If that emotional memory isn’t addressed, the fear or frustration can stay parked inside the child and his or her emotional makeup becomes saturated with triggers that can tip those feelings into play. And those triggers can migrate from having to take a jumper off, to being a fussy eater, for example.
Very often, children who are fussy eaters also have other emotional triggers; they don’t like getting dressed, they wake several times at night, they can’t sit at the dinner table for any length of time, or they don’t like having their hair washed. These are the tell tale signs that there is a deeper emotional memory that hasn’t been addressed yet.
What approach should you take with a fussy eater?
The good news is that, once you know what you are dealing with, tackling these seemingly irrational imbalances isn’t difficult. Pestering your child, holding your child to ransom, and forcing your child to eat certain foods are not – I repeat NOT – the actions that will help in the long term.
One of the most important things in this situation, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT FORCE FEED YOUR KIDS.
Whilst some of these short term tactics may deliver immediate results, they do not ease the child’s attitude about food. If anything, they will actually do more harm in the long term because they will perpetuate tension for the child (and parent) thereby affirming the negative emotional memory.
Instead, you should listen to your child and allow him or her to offload their feelings. By venting and releasing, the overall emotional charge from his/her fear will lessen. With the right approach, your child will gradually become better at sampling foods, and eventually even enjoy trying new foods (shock horror!).
Making food fun
No matter where the emotional memory has started, the first thing to do to start changing their attitude is to make things fun. When children are caught in a behavioural pattern that pits them against a certain activity (like eating), pushing them to do that one simple thing only increases the underlying tension and becomes a highly charged emotional event. In these situations, forcing the matter won’t do anything other than intensify the opposition against it. (Does this sound all too familiar? I know it does to me!)
So the first thing to do is play along with them. Make light of their behaviours. Perhaps even imitate your child’s attitudes toward food. Of course you have to do this playfully; you are not meant to be mocking them or making fun of them. In a light-hearted manner, try joining in with their disgust at the vegetables on the dinner table. Make funny faces at the brussel sprouts, stick out your tongue at the broccoli, say “eeww” at the mash potato and (maybe even) flick a carrot off your plate!
Your purpose here is to engender a light-hearted, fun, and playful approach to food. The aim is to get your kid laughing at the good-humour and having a fun time around meal time. In the long run, this type of laughter will have a healing affect and cancel out the negative connotations and aversions that are currently in place.
Once you start playing and having fun around food, your kid won’t feel singled out as the one with the problem. Instead, you will both be spending good humoured and light hearted time during meals. The food loses the focus, and that focus turns to the relationship between the two of you. Once that happens, your child will be left feeling uplifted that eating has become less serious, and you should see him or her become much more relaxed when it comes to eating.
Give the child a choice and get them involved
One really good way of tackling the fear a child may have around food is to get them child involved with choosing the meal and then making it. The best way I have found to do this involves taking a couple (2 or 3) paper plates, drawing lines across them and then writing down the parts of the meal in the separate quarters. You create a different meal for each plate and let the child decide which one they will have. For example, one plate may have chicken, peas, mash, sweet corn… another plate could have broccoli, fish fingers, carrots, couscous… the options are endless. A little tip: when you draw the different parts of the meal in the quarters of the paper plate, make it colourful and interesting (kids will find it much more appealing). That way you can ensure that your child has all the right components in their food (vegetables, nutrients, protein etc) and your kid has control over which plate they decide.
Once they have decided on their meal, you can now get them involved in the cooking. Kids love mashing potatoes, stirring pots, rolling out dough, and making cookies. Remember that anything that gets them involved with food will release any of the negative emotional triggers that they used to harbour. Baking a cake together is great way to involve a child in cooking. Personally, I remember there was nothing better than being able to lick the mixing bowl clean after making cookie dough!
Teach your child about the origins of food
Finally, I find by educating children about where food has come from, they lose some of the irrational fear surrounding it. Explain and show how fruit and veggies are grown in the earth… tell them that, just like people, they start off as a little seed and with the right care and love they grow into these beautiful plants bearing gorgeous fruits and vegetables. How amazing!
Once you start demystifying the world of food, children tend to be a lot more open to trying new things.
Keep things simple
Last, but not least, one of the common mistakes when encouraging children to try new foods is to make too big a deal of the whole thing. If a child feels under pressure or is the focus of attention during a stressful situation, they will naturally clam up (just like adults do). So the key is to keep things light-hearted and not make a scene. Even if they do start trying new foods, don’t start jumping up and down, hollering, and calling in the neighbours to witness the event! Just give them a gentle “well done” and then go on as normal… make them feel it is a perfectly natural thing to enjoy good food.
Take your time
Like most things, re-educating a child and changing a behavioural pattern can take time. Don’t expect that you’ll see your child make a U-Turn in their eating habits within a week! However, if you follow the guidelines above, with the right approach, patience, and light-hearted fun, I’m sure you will see a significant improvement in your child attitude towards food in the long run.
