A recent UK report into the well being of children has identified the increasing number of women who return to the workforce, particularly in their baby’s first year, as one of the major changes of the past generation.
Earlier this year, The Children’s Society, a charity associated with the Church of England, released the first independent national enquiry into the well-being of children and – this isn’t going to fall favourably on many ears – they have laid a lot of blame on working mothers for the breakup of traditional families and what they believe is the resultant psychological damage to children.
Whoa there, don’t shoot the messenger! I’m merely relaying information, and – I’ll make this clear – I don’t agree with the inferences made in the report, which I think are simplistic and draw to many linear conclusions (life is never that simple).
For example, the report says that children whose parents separates are 50% more likely to have lower grades at school, display behavioural problems or suffer from anxiety and depression. They refer to the increase in mothers going back to work as the reason the child doesn’t have a stable family life. To that I say “where is the father in all of this?”.
It may surprise you that in Australia 22% of children aged 17 and under live apart from one parent (that figure is 33% in the UK). With that in mind, I can accept that kids of separated parents may be disadvantaged if and when the parents both go off to lead their own lives and leave the kids to fend for themselves, but surely looking after children of a divorce or separation isn’t the sole responsibility of the mother.
The study also found a discrepancy between the generations in their view on the impact of parental discord. For example, 70 % of children said that their parents getting on was one of the most important factors in them being happy, while only 30 % of parents agreed with that statement.
OK OK, so what do we take from all of this? Are there lessons to be learnt here?
I think that maintaining a career and feeling guilty go hand in hand for many working mums. But the truth is that as long as a child is cared for and has the appropriate support and time from parents, then there are a number of benefits of having a working mum.
For a start, working mums are typically good role models for juggling time. Their diverse interests and commitments can offer intellectual stimulation, which rubs off on children and can lift aspirations. Also, kids tend to be more self-reliant and confident when mums work and are less inclined to stereotypical views of male-female roles in society.
Professor Lois Hoffman from the University of Michigan, whose book, Mothers at Work: Effects on Children’s Wellbeing, says “daughters of employed women are more independent, less shy and feel more competent and capable”. She found children of working mothers had less traditional gender-role attitudes, with girls seeing women as more competent in traditionally male roles and boys and girls believing it was OK for men to do housework. Professor Hoffman also found fathers became more involved in housework and childcare when their wives re-entered the workforce and this had a positive effect on children.
Of utmost importance in this web of competing priorities and limited time is the role of the father. First and foremost, men in today’s society are increasingly expected to have a greater role in the lives of their children. I think it’s absolutely right that men are becoming more and more involved in the care of the child and that they are taking responsibility for the housework too.
My experience shows that the most balanced children come from an environment where they have strong relationships with both parents (whether those parents are separated or not).
And the facts show that a working mother doesn’t necessarily spend less time with the children anyway. Analysis carried out by the Social Policy Research Centre at the University of NSW shows that, incredibly, even when childcare is used, working mums spend almost as much time with their children as mums who don’t work. “How do they do that?” you may well ask… Well, apparently what gets left out is “me time”.
The reality is that there is a very clear link between the wellbeing of parents and strong parent-child relationships. It doesn’t matter if the parents are separated, stay at home, or working. As long as the father or mother is happy and spends quality time with their child, then the child will benefit from seeing their parents juggle work and life.
So the key, no matter your personal situation, is good time management. Clearly identifying the boundaries between work and home and managing the priorities that both require. Here are some tips to help you:
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Get organised; make a plan & prioritise your responsibilities
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Write a do list & be realistic about what you can achieve day to day
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Decide what you can live with & what needs your attention
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Accept help & seek support in areas where you need it
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Make time out for you (eg sleep when baby sleeps or take a long bath when your partner comes home)
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Take a reality check
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Trust your instincts
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Don’t sweat the small stuff
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Take time to reflect and enjoy the little milestones
So whether you are a single parent, whether you are a stay-at-home or a career mum, combining work and family can be a significant challenge. But with the right planning a good balance can be achieved. Remember that you are not the first to go through it, many parents have paved the way for you so believe in yourself, set your goals and be proud of your parenting achievements.
