Although we are all familiar with the term “single parent families”, “step families” and “traditional families” the phrase “blended family” isn’t so widely recognised. So what exactly is a blended family, and how can anyone becoming part of one make the transition as smooth as possible?
In a nutshell, a “blended family” is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. It may surprise you, but 65% or remarriages include children from a previous relationship, so the number of “blended families” joining together to make a new group is increasing rapidly.
Often, there are many challenges that parents need navigate through when considering introducing a new partner and their family. For example; when to make the introduction, how make the meeting happen, and how to act when it does? A parent who has seen his or her child react with pain or anger at having to meet the other parent’s new partner, may be especially wary about letting the child know that he or she has also fallen in love with someone new. And what finally happens should the new partner want to have a child of their own?
Be prepared that most new blended families will have plenty of teething troubles to deal with, but remember you and your partner have decided to blend together to make a fresh start and a new family. If love is there, and plenty of patience and understanding, then together you will know that you have been blessed with a second chance. Take it.
Here are 4 points to facilitate the adjustment and reduce stress:
1. Have An Extended Courting Period
The purpose of courtship is to ensure compatibility prior to marriage. When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture and their own rituals. So it’s important to take your time and have a meaningful courtship process, where the adults and children can use the time to learn and experience their family differences. By taking your time and establishing kids’ and parents’ relationships whilst courting, there are no surprises and everyone can determine compatibility, adaptation and change. You may wonder what is a reasonable period for such courtship and I’m afraid I can’t answer that because it is different for every blended family. I read one “blended family couch” espousing a 2 year courtship period and I have to say that seemed like a VERY long time to me. I think a year would probably be reasonable. The point is that you want to remove the guess work out of the equation. Experiencing and planning for these events such as how the kids will respond and adapt to the changes will reduce the risk of failure. To that end, courtship will give some clue as to what to expect after blending and give you time to plan.
2. Determine Appropriate Names & Manners Towards The New Spouse
Once you have married your new partner, you will need to think about how the kids will address and even engage with their new stepparent. For some children, the enormous emotional adjustment in having to refer to your new partner as “mum” or “dad” is simply too much to handle. The trick is to find something that everyone feels comfortable with. My “blended” parents suggested using the French or German word for dad, and in the end that’s what felt best. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The degree to which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the greater the likelihood of a smooth transition. Names do matter, and showing respect can go a long way to facilitating adjustment.
3. Find an Upside for the Kids
The choice to marry is based upon the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child’s perspective, he or she may perceive that they are losing their parent to the new partner. Furthermore, he or she may now have to share other family resources, and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, these kind of changes can be very unsettling and can cause children to begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. It’s therefore important to show the upside as much as possible. Share good times, go out and do fun things together, take a holiday with the new blended family and be positive. By showing your children the benefits of this wonderful new family, you will help reduce any angst they may be feeling.
4. Determine Family Responsibilities & Authority
Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and agree on the roles each will have regarding the care, management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance, explaining the position to the children and then ensuring you follow through with the rules and parameters will help the children adapt to the new family structures. A new stepparent can be a wonderful thing for children and quite often the stepchildren may see the person in the family as a “friend” or “big brother or sister”. That’s fine as long as the new partner is happy taking on such a role. That, personally, wouldn’t have worked for me so when I entered into my blended family, I made sure my position as a parent was explained to my stepdaughter. It’s not about replacing her dad, so to speak, but setting the parameters for the relationship we have. I’m delighted to say that she and I have a wonderful connection. We have a lot of fun together, but she also respects my role as a parent to her. A role I take very seriously and recognise the responsibilities that entails.
Those are my thoughts on achieving a happily blended family. Before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. Know your roles and authorities, communicate openly and make sure there are plenty of up-sides for the children.
If we do that, we are sure to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children. So if you are a single parent, go ahead and enjoy finding your new partner and working on a new relationship. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment, and I’m sure things will work out for the best. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion, but it’s worth it.
Great advice!