Funny Parenting Humour

Remember how when we were kids we used to think our parents we’re really old and boring… we even promised ourselves that we would “never ever” turn out like they did! Funny that, because I look at myself and my parenting style now and can’t help but think how similar to my own parents I turned out to be. Does anyone else recognise this moment of self awakening?

Seriously though, it’s all too easy to allow our parenting duties to consume us as parents. So to help make sure we are “keeping it real”, I’ve compiled a list of the funny parenting quotes and advice that has kept me chuckling over the years.

Please note that these are “just for fun” and I am in no way endorsing any of comments below!

Funny Parenting Quotes:

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids.”

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.”

“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home”

“I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, ‘keep away from children.’”
“The beauty of spacing children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones – which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.”
“I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.”

 
“Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why – he does.”
“The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.”
“The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”
“Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.”
“The young always have the same problem – how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.”
“Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.”

Funny Family Home Tips:

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.”

 “My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

 “Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

“Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.”

Sure-fire Ways To Embarrass Your Children:

Drop them off directly in front of their school. Make them give you a kiss. Wave good-bye vigorously and blow kisses.

Hang a naked baby picture of your children in a prominent location in your living room. Be sure to point it out to company.

Make them dress up in a shirt and tie for school picture day. Style their hair yourself. Use enough gel to allow their hair to withstand hurricane force winds.

During long road trips suggest a family sing along. Insist that all of the songs be ones that are extremely popular with three-year olds.

Beat your child to the punch by getting a navel piercing or a tattoo before they do. Show your new body art to all of your children’s friends.

Remember, having kids doesn’t mean that we lose sense of ourselves. Parenting is something to be celebrated and enjoyed. If there’s nothing else to laugh at, it’s OK to laugh at ourselves!