Controlled Parenting

Whenever I think of my mum - parenting 8 children (and sometimes more) - “control” isn’t the word that naturally springs to mind! Don’t get me wrong, I was blessed with wonderful parents and the memories of my childhood are extremely positive….

apart from the time I accidently stepped on one of the school gerbils during playtime and my mate Tommy – thinking I had killed the creature and trying to save me from accusations of murder – decided to hide the body by flushing it down the toilet. It was a bad experience; the gerbil hadn’t actually died, but just been knocked out and the cold water obviously revived him just at the point where his life was precariously being flushed away. The poor thing started swimming for his life and recognising Tommy’s mistake I lunged for the toilet in a bid to save said gerbil from a watery demise. All would have been well if the story had ended there, but unfortunately our shenanigans had been heard by the Head Teacher who was passing by and now enters the toilets to see me, down on my knees, elbow in the bog, pulling a sodden and spluttering rodent from the u-bend. I can only assume he thought I had some perverse gerbil drowning fixation, because I got detention and I never had the courage (or wherewithal) to try and explain what had actually happened.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, “control”!

As we have seen from the above story, there are some things we will never be able to control. Parenting, however, ISN’T one of them. Of course I’m not saying that as parents we are always going to be in control. That would be nonsense and/or wishful thinking. What I am saying is that we can behave in certain ways that will ensure those times of “flow” (when life is like clockwork; everything is going well and your actions are working like a charm) far outweigh times of “wolf” (the reverse of flow).

Knowing what we can’t control

Let’s start with stating the obvious: we don’t have full control over our lives. That being the case, we have to acknowledge that on occasions things can happen to us and to our children which we would prevent if we could, but we can’t. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don’t have full control there. We and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of that control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what’s necessary.

Also, we don’t have absolute control over our children’s behaviour. It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. Sure, we do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn’t mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it necessarily follow that a child whose behaviour is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things (though that can be the cause sometimes). And unless we bring our children up in a vacuum, they are always going to be subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control; their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with other people, frightening incidents… the list goes on.

On occasion (and I hope this is the exception to the rule), we sometimes don’t even have control over our own behaviour. Terrible isn’t it? It’s one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts–whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, “talking back” when we’re trying to gain control. We each have our personal thresholds, past which lose power over our own behaviour. That’s just life.

Understanding what control we should have

I think goals that we parents can reasonably set for ourselves are to a) enjoy our children, to b) recognise you and your children are on a journey together and therefore to c) keep learning throughout that journey. These are things that we can control and that will ensure we are on the right track. If we are learning, then we know how to be in charge of some things, and we are figuring all the rest of it out in a sometimes messy, haphazard way. As parents, some “I’m learning, not controlling” strategies can be immensely helpful.

For example, actively notice what’s fun, what’s good, and what is working well. Our minds get so fixed on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of who we like, what goes well, and the little things we learn. It may help to put a list on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, where a few words of what was good each day can be written down for all to see. Some families start dinner with a round of “what was good today?” so that the children get to join in, and have the chance to have the whole family listen to their experience.

Welcome your children’s feelings. Feelings are a big part of children’s lives, and expressing these feelings is how children recover from the hard things, big and small, that happen to them. Crying, tantrums, and laughter all are deeply healing for children. Expressing these emotions at length gets rid of children’s feelings that their lives aren’t good enough. When they’re finished, they regain their sense of loving and being loved. It helps if you can get close and listen to them through the stormy upsets, but if you can’t, see if it’s possible to keep from criticizing, shaming, hurting, or blaming them while they get the sad or the mad feelings out.

If you find that you are losing control more often than you would like, try and find a listener for your own feelings. Parents have feelings, too, which unfortunately we often tuck away as if they didn’t exist. Indeed, some people equate the “tucking away” of feelings to being “in control” of our lives! Rubbish! The problem is that feelings don’t tuck well forever. If our worries, frustrations, and anger doesn’t get released, at some point something will finally give, and that’s worse. Much better to find a supportive ear (your partner, your parents, your friends) and use them to talk to. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we’re trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our step and help us remember that we are only human and probably – in the bigger scheme of things – doing a pretty good job, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don’t have at the moment.

When there are things you can’t control, make a mental note and spend some time (whenever is convenient) trying to figure it out. Talk to others about it. There are many things that happen during my day that I don’t understand. Why won’t my child willingly brush her teeth? Why is she scared of the dark? Why does my tween sister suddenly think I’m the dorkiest person she’s ever known? Hey, I don’t have the answers to these questions right now, but when the time is right I’ll do some research into them. Being open about what we don’t know is an excellent learning strategy. It makes us active seekers of information and understanding. And I’ve found it’s totally fine to be open with children when we don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do about you refusing to keep your room clean. I’m thinking about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow” is a fine approach to a problem with a child. And now that you’ve bought some time, you can ask some other people to see if they have any good ideas (or call your mum and ask what she did when you didn’t clean your room).

Never be afraid to ask for help. Building bridges, operating a supermarket, providing intensive care nursing, and raising children are just some of the kinds of work that are always done better when you have a team of people working towards a common purpose. Any experienced parent will tell you that every parent needs time away from their children, every parent needs others to care about their children, every parent needs people to think and talk with about the details of life with children. Every parent needs help!

Don’t forget to have fun

When it really comes down to it, you’re probably better off throwing expectations overboard. It’s great when you feel you are in control, but when you’re working too hard to appreciate yourself or anyone else, sometimes it’s better to let control take a back seat. Hey, it’s OK if the house is messy for a few weeks… you know what, your child (and partner) isn’t going to die if they miss a hot meal or two… and you can always make up with in-laws or friends you slighted because you missed a birthday or luncheon. You get to decide what’s really necessary and what’s not, and keeping up appearances while parenting is often a joy-killer. You have permission to let things get ragged, and still be proud of yourself, your family, and your decisions.

The most important thing is that you enjoy parenting (for the most part). Set up play that includes laughter. Children love to laugh, and when we are willing to play with them so they can laugh (without tickling them!), they become buoyant and hopeful. It’s infectious. We see them wriggling with enjoyment, coming toward us for fun and lots of contact, and we can’t help but be pleased. We have lots to learn from children about how a really good life has time for play, wrestling, chasing, where the grownups may “lose,” but everyone wins back their sense that it’s good to be alive. Without the effort to stay in control, it’s often easier to find the joy in things again and then the control will come. Remember, people, it’s all about balance.