I’ve been asked by a number of people to put something together that is relevant for families splitting up. This is a really difficult topic to write about, mainly because it’s find to hard the positives and I prefer to write about things that leave you feeling uplifted. That said, I recognize that this is an important topic and something the affects many families… so I’ll do my best!
I think it’s important to start with stating the obvious: children thrive on the connection they have with their parents. There is no doubt that a kid’s need for their parents is strong and constant throughout childhood and it is in a secure environment of love and security that children learn. With these foundations in place, their young minds are able to experiment and play. They are able to enjoy themselves without reservation, and this is underpinned by the trust and safety they feel in those that are closest to them (their parents).
So they question is, how easy is it to break that sense of connection and safety? To be honest, I think it’s actually quite difficult AS LONG AS you do the basics right. Making sure that you show unconditional love and support for your kids is one. Being there for them when they need you is another (you have to be present in their lives).
At a young age you can see that a child’s sense of connection and safety is a fragile thing, and at some point, because of this fragility, every child will experience some sadness about separation. Even things like going to bed, or turning away to do the dishes can cause that feeling. That is fine and only natural. Over time, a child becomes more independent and won’t need as much of their parent’s attention and then these insignificant moments of separation mean nothing. Why? Because the child has become confident in the love and security of the parents.
This holds true about a family break-up. If the parents have been consistent in the love and support they have shown to their children, then – although a divorce or split is always a difficult – the separation will have a minimal affect on the children involved.
How to minimize the effect of divorce and separation
Many families face the challenge of divorce or separation; it’s a part of today’s reality. Whatever the causes of the separation, and whatever the circumstances, it’s hard on everyone involved. Parents want the best for their children and they want their children to thrive, but sometimes – in order for that to happen – big changes must be made.
Your role as the parent is to help your child heal from the feelings he or she has about the separation. As you take these steps, he or she will develop confidence and learn to assimilate and process those feelings and in doing so will gain extra abilities to explore the world and take advantage of friendships that they will encounter throughout their lives.
Children need to be able to discuss their fears about separation and should feel able to cry about the sadness they feel. It is quite understandable that they should feel this way and while they cry, they need the love and care of someone who offers them warmth and safety. Children whose feelings are listened to become more confident, feel closer to their parents, and feel closer to the people who listened while they cried.
Understanding the source of the child’s hurt
There are three basic sources of hurt for children when their parents separate:
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One is the loss of the family configuration that has anchored them.
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The second is that children will feel and manifest the emotions that the parents are going through (which are often raw and unhappy).
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The third is that the end of a living arrangement a child trusts and feels safe in forces the loss of innocence and they can subsequently feel that the world they felt secure and welcome in is coming to an end.
Understanding these sources will help you manage the way you act through the separation and ensure you keep your child’s best interests at heart.
How to ease the hurt
As parents who have decided to separate, it’s important that you listen to your child’s feelings about the custody arrangements, and take those feelings into consideration. However, to leave children in charge of custody arrangements is too much like forcing them to choose sides. It is your priority to the make the decisions about how and when custody is shared.
If your child is longing for the other parent while he or she is with you, listen to their feelings and show understanding and provide comfort. This will strengthen your child’s relationship with you, and will help him/her overcome the stored feelings about separation that have been triggered by the current situation.
At transition times, make time for children’s feelings to be heard. It’s healthy for children to have upsets when going from one parent to another. These are the times when the reminder that things aren’t the same is strongest. Far better to have a child who can powerfully cry that he doesn’t want to leave, or doesn’t want to stay with the parent he’s going to, than to have a child who swallows his feelings and winds up either subdued and separate or aggressive because he or she has too many feelings to manage.
Often, children can fully feel their love for a parent directly after a huge cry about how they don’t want to be with him or her! Don’t worry; those experiences will help build a bond between you. Although it’s not pleasant to hear that your beloved child doesn’t want you, if those are the feelings stuck inside, then your fastest way to a closer relationship is to assist your child to cry or rage until s/he’s done. Stay calm, listen, and reassure them that no matter what they say, you will always love them and always be there for them.
Always make sure that your child knows that BOTH parents love him/her. Unfortunately, some family splits mean that a child can lose all contact with a parent. If this can be avoided then it should. It’s hard to explain human frailty to children, because it breaks our hearts to see them hurt by it. But we need to let them know that it’s not their fault that their parents aren’t able to be together. By keeping the contact with both Mother and Father, the affects of the break-up are minimised.
To ensure you are helping the child with the separation you must add more warmth and connection around the time when “good-bye” must be said. That includes warmth, eye contact, and laughter, which will all help strengthen the child’s sense of connection. If there is a tearful good-bye, offer your warmth and support as the child cries, trembles, and struggles. This process of showing feelings fully with someone who will listen is natural, healthy, and deeply beneficial to the child. The longer the parent stays, the safer it will be for the child to show the feelings of desperation he or she has.
These are the steps to follow when saying goodbye:
- Stay close, but not too close. You want the child to feel your support, but also to feel the separation he is afraid of.
- Offer him eye contact and affection. If he or she burrows into you and stops crying, move them gently so that they can see you.
- Listen to their tears and fears until they have finished, if you can. This is the fastest way for children to regain their confidence that all is well. For children who have big anxieties, crying with a safe person for thirty to sixty minutes at first is common. Repeated cries over several days or weeks may be necessary to relieve all of the child’s fears.
- Show confidence. Tell him/her that the other parent will take good care of them and that you’ll be back soon.
- If possible, allow repeated good-byes. Let the two parents linger, saying, “it’s time for me/us to go now.” This allows the child to keep showing you how sad or desperate he or she feels in the safest context possible — with the parent nearby.
Helping the child come to terms with separation and divorce
There are a few commitments that separating parents can make that will shield their children from some of this hurt. These are commonsense commitments, but in a heated situation, they take work to remember. A parent needs to consciously add support and resource to his or her life to keep steering him or herself in a direction that benefits the children. Keep these mantras for yourself at front of mind:
When children are present, I will speak and act respectfully toward my child’s other parent, his or her family, and friends. Children are not at all equipped to listen to parents’ negative feelings about each other. No matter what the other parent has or has not done, children are far better off when parents act respectfully toward one another in their presence.
When children are present, I will not display my upsets about their other parent. We humans have a million ways to convey what we’re feeling. When we’re upset, we roll our eyes, heave loud sighs, grunt, stomp, slam, throw up our hands, clench our fists: the litany of expressions of upset is long. None of this is verbal, but all of it is hard on children. They are built to see the expression of love, confidence and relaxed cooperation. Separating parents don’t need to put up a false front, but they do need to model simple decency toward one another.
When children are present, I will not conduct extended arguments with my child’s other parent. Parents can’t help but have differences of opinion and arguments. And some arguments, conducted with ground rules that ban attacks on character and categorical statements, can actually help to rebuild a sense of caring. But in a family that is thoughtful of its children, the meaty part of a fight will be conducted out of earshot of the children.
I will not recruit my child to agree with my grievances about their other parent. A separation is painful enough for children, without the additional pressure to side with one parent or another. Children love both their parents, and want the best for both their parents. It is heartbreaking to a child to have to choose between them. Don’t make your child do that, it will only backfire!
To the best of my ability, I will not assume the role of a victim. Each parent in a separation feels like a victim, and some are quick to cast blame for the breakup on the other party. It is better to forget about blaming someone and moving on as quickly and as positively as possible. Thinking of ourselves as victims tends to keep us from pulling up our socks and building good into our lives in every way that we can.
Working hard at keeping these commitments gives children maximum exposure to their parents’ good will and caring, and minimum exposure to adults in emotional upheaval, and therefore unable to put the children’s interests first.
At the end of the day, it is important that you (as the parents) are happy in your life and if separation or divorce is something that you need to go through, just make sure that you move on with a positive outlook. At least that way, you can show your child the care and love they deserve in the right way. They will love you more for it in the long term, trust me. Sure, it can be hard, but if you stay true to these guidelines I’m sure that you will grow closer to your child and together you can get on with enjoying the rest of the future together.
