It’s a fact, children love their fathers just as much as their mums! OK, seriously though, I know (personally) that dads can get a raw deal. The pressure is on to earn a living for the family, to give your children the best things in life, to ensure that they have a father figure who is present and engaged in their lives, and to contribute to the family homestead. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressures of being a father, but something that really helps me to keep things in perspective is to remember two things:
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That I am a primary parent
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That I am primarily a parent
Let me explain…
Being A Primary Parent
Understanding that you are a primary parent is recognising that your children want and need you as much as they do their mum. I agree that some children grow up without the benefit of a dad being present and they manage well, but you need to know that in an ideal world a child requires a father.
You may think that you are the secondary parent, because children often look like they favour their mums (when they are hurt or down they will go to mum to have their forehead kissed and to be listened to), but this is just the result of cultural circumstance, no more.
If dad was around more often, then you would be the person your child would gravitate to when the chips are down. For example, it is fact that in families in which the dad stays at home, the children will naturally look for his comfort when times are hard, and it’s the mum who has to work her way in from the emotional outskirts of the family.
What I’m getting at is that you, as a dad, don’t have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children’s lives. What makes children grow close to their parents are simple things that any dad can do if he recognises that he is a primary parent (just like mum).
For example, children love to play. If you spend time playing with your kids they will inevitably grow closer to you. Get down to their level and play wrestling games or be their horse and give them rides, or play hide and seek. Just remember to let them win and have a laugh together! Joy and closeness are built through playtimes like these.
Being Primarily A Parent
This is a state of mind more than anything else. In our society there are certain stereotypes that men have to deal with and the pressure to earn a living is right up there. It’s almost as though when you become a dad you have to give up thinking of yourself independently as a man. This is nonsense and this is where understanding you are primarily a parent comes in.
Ask yourself what it means to be a parent. The answers that invariably come up are:
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Loving my children
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Being there for my children
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Participating in my children’s lives
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Understanding my children’s wants and needs
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Having fun with my children
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Knowing what is going on with my children
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Encouraging my children
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Teaching my children
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Enjoying life with my children
Being primarily a parent means concerning yourself most with those points above. Long hours, work worries, and heavy expectations are going to make it hard for you to enjoy your children – and enjoying your children is what being a parent is. So, if you are primarily a parent then you need to let go of those stereotypes that are actually counterproductive.
Your children want you to be there to listen to their feelings. They want to feel loved and cared for. Be kind and patient with your kids, hear them out (even when they are crying over something silly, just listen and provide comfort). And remember that your children want your life to be good. Working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you will keep you remote from your child.
And finally, your child needs your presence more than the things money can buy. So working all the time in order to give them everything they want will result in a spoilt kid that doesn’t have a close relationship with his/her dad. Not good. It’s OK to say no to the pressure to buy things your children want in order to spend more time with your family. They may cry and storm, it doesn’t matter. If you offer your love, your child will come around, feel closer to you, and that insatiable “I want” will melt into “let’s play” more often.
At the end of the day, a dad belongs in the centre of the family with mum. For that to happen we all need to work together to see to it that fathers have more time with their kids, more peace of mind, and feel more connected to want they really want, so that they can relax and enjoy the rich experience of nurturing children.
Listening to other dads talk about parenting and about what’s important to them is a real help in getting your own priorities right. If you can, join a parent group or speak to other dads. Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children can help put things into perspective. And seeing how good other dads are, how valiantly they struggle to be their best and to care deeply, can be an inspiration and a guide.
Now go and enjoy some time with your kids. J
