The Father & Child Relationship – 10 Tips On Bonding With Your Baby

For some dads, the bonding process is well on its way from the moment their baby arrives, but don’t worry if you don’t fit into that category! Many dads find the arrival of their new baby both exhausting and a complete shock to their way of life. Although many guys don’t talk about it, it is very normal a) for men to become marginalised when it comes to matters of “mum and baby” and that b) dads can take time to bond with their child.

These things are quite normal and – when you think about it – it’s not surprising that bonding for a dad can be hard at first. Watching your partner give birth – with all the emotion and drama of the experience – can leave you stunned or feeling like a spare part. I mean, honestly, at the end of the day how much are dads actually even necessary in the whole pregnancy? Physiologically, after we’ve donated our sperm, not at all… emotionally, maybe… and to give foot rubs, definitely! So that’s it then; the sum of our necessity is to give foot rubs. And then when you wait for the baby to finally arrive (because you’re sure things will get back to normal then), you find that your partner is constantly exhausted, often grumpy and only has eyes for your baby. It’s not really “happy families”, is it?

Why Is It So Different For Dads?

The experience of becoming a parent is often very different for the father. “I hadn’t realised how all-consuming it would be for my wife,” says my friend James, dad to Thomas, three months. “She was totally focused on Tom, nervous about everything, sleep-deprived… I knew she needed my support but – and I know this sounds terrible – I felt very left out.”

Similarly, many men feel excluded from the strong bonding experience that inevitably occurs between mother and baby throughout the pregnancy, through the labour and finally with breastfeeding. The feeling of traditional roles kicking in can also make many new dads panic. Dads are seen as providers, and suddenly becoming responsible for a vulnerable human being can make them anxious. “Suddenly I thought of all the dangers in the world and was afraid I wouldn’t be strong enough to keep Tom safe,” says James.

Kids Need Their Dads

Here is the good news for us fathers: children absolutely need their dads. All research into this matter shows unequivocal results; that children are more likely to do better at school, to enjoy their childhood, and to feel happy and fulfilled when they have an active father, who gets involved in their life.

Research from the US Department of Education also shows that children whose fathers are not very involved in their daily lives are more likely to drop out of school and to have problems developing relationships of their own.  Child development experts will go so far to say that the alliance between father and son is especially important in the life of a child who has learning and emotional issues.

So, I know that us men aren’t meant to feel vulnerable, but let me tell you now. When you do feel vulnerable and when you do feel left out, remember that your kid needs you. No question, he or she needs their dad and you should know that the efforts you make to get involved in their lives will make the world of difference to them.

As A Dad, Where Do I Start?

First and foremost, start early. Bonding with a baby is far easier than waiting for your child to grow up and then trying to bond. And bonding doesn’t always happen in the blink of an eye so remember that your child is a person in his or her own right and you have to get to know each other.

Top 10 Tips To Help Dads Bond With Baby

Here are some practical tips to specifically help dads bond with their babies.

1. Remember that you play a unique and essential role in your baby’s life. Maternity services are geared up to mums’ needs, which can make dads feel less important.
2. Expect a roller coaster of emotions – feeling worried, confused or overwhelmed is common. Talking to your partner, friends, or a local dads’ group will help.
3. Get involved in your baby’s routine. Babies soon recognise their main carers, so feed and bathe them, clean his or her nappy, and put him to bed as often as possible.
4. Make time for play – your baby will get your full attention and you’ll have fun too. Look for activities you can do together, such as going swimming or to a parent and baby music session.
5. Sing, talk and read to your child. You don’t need to stick to nursery rhymes and children’s books – sing along to your favourite CDs, talk about things you like or make up your own stories.
6. Use physical contact – touch, tickles and cuddles really help build bonds. Take your child into the bath with you.
7. Reflect on what you liked about your own upbringing – the clearer you are about the type of dad you want to be, the easier it’ll be to put into practice.
8. Give your partner a break – spending time looking after the baby on your own will build up your confidence in being a dad.
9. Reflect on what a great dad you are (if you are doing 1-8). The more confident, calm and happy you are, the more secure the bond will be.
10. Don’t be afraid to seek advice – after all, no one teaches you how to be a dad.

At the end of the day, fatherhood is a complex, personal experience that takes time and there’s no magic formula and it can’t be forced. Bonding is the first step and as you become more comfortable with your baby and your new routine becomes more predictable, you, your partner and your child will feel better about the future and the adventure of family life to come.

By thinking about the father you want to be and working at it, you will start to feel confident of the part you play in your child’s life. Enjoy it, show “who is the daddy” and remember that part of the beauty of having two parents is that each parent can have their own style, which helps forge a unique bond with the baby and grows a stronger family unit.