Recently I was trying to get some face time with a close friend and the conversation went something like this:
Me – “fancy catching up soon… it’s high time we had a beer.”
Him – “sure, when are you thinking?”
Me – “someday this week, after work, when are you free?”
Him – “hmm, well Monday night is Davo’s soccer training, Bella has piano lessons on Tuesday, Davo and Bella go to Spanish lessons on Weds after school, Thursday Davo has basketball practice and Friday Julie is at Girl Scouts and Davo goes sailing.”
Me – “OK, when do those after school things finish?”
Him – “We normally get home around 7 and then, of course, it’s dinner and pretty much getting them ready for bed.”
Me – “Jasus! When do they get to just, you know, play?”
Him – “Well, after swim classes on Saturday we don’t book them in for anything and Sunday is free time.”
Me – “riiiight.”
Here’s the thing, my mate is a doctor, his wife is a paralegal and the two kids, Davo and Bella are aged 13 and 8 respectively. Now, I don’t know about you, but that schedule seems a little on the excessive side.
Welcome to the world of hyper-parenting. A world in which parents treat their children as if they are competitors racing towards some undefined finishing line. A world in which the people-carrier becomes a second home as children are hustled and bustled from one activity to the next. A world in which raising the next Leyton Hewitt or Cathy Freeman has become more important that raising a happy, well-balanced child.
Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard?
Parents have been led to believe that they can somehow programme their children for success if only they do all the right things. It starts even before they are born, when pregnant women are warned of dire consequences if they don’t eat the right foods. Then they are told that playing a baby Mozart could speed its development, so they play Mozart and it just goes on from there. It’s a very fascistic, winner-takes-all view of society and it’s making a lot of parents – and children – very unhappy.
Here’s the thing; at what stage does a kid get to be… well, just a kid? And what kind of values are we instilling in our children when we push the idea of “staying ahead of the game” in this way. Personally, that kind of schedule would leave me exhausted and stressed.
That’s not to say I don’t encourage activity and a healthy sense of competition, but there’s a line and at some point it goes from being healthy to hurtful. The idea that parents need to unlock all their child’s potential at a young age otherwise you will let them down isn’t new. I think it’s entirely normal to want to give your kids the best start in life. It just seems to have gotten out of hand lately!
Part of the problem, I think, is that with two working parents becoming the norm, many children are attending after-school clubs through necessity. But competitive pressures are also fuelling an explosion of private sector extracurricular activities such as sports, language, music, maths and so on.
I wonder what the after-effects of hyper-parenting are? What will happen when these kids eventually leave home? Will they be totally bewildered by the large swathes of unstructured time in their lives? How will they know what to do with themselves?
OK, maybe I’m overemphasizing the point, but let’s lighten up a little. Let’s be a bit more sensible about encouraging our kids to be the best they can. Sure, there’s no harm in afterschool classes, but let’s leave time for some free play. I know I want my kids to shine, but I’m not convinced that going to those extra yoga or jazz classes are going to be any more beneficial for young children than giving them time and freedom to play or just sit and think.
Are you hyper?
Want to avoid falling into the Hyper-Parenting Trap? US child psychiatrist Alvin Rosenfeld, co-author of Hyper-Parenting, suggests the following “fundamental principles”:
Limit activities
Signing your child up for too many will stress out the whole family.
Resist peer pressure to overdo it
Some parents make firm rules such as one sport per child per season.
Develop healthy scepticism
Be discriminating in taking advice from ubiquitous parenting “experts”in the media, and don’t follow every fad promising to boost a child’s immune system or brainpower.
Make family a priority
Fostering proper relationships with your children is more important than ferrying them to activities – don’t imbalance or overload family life with outside commitments.
Be unproductive
An adult life of endless activity from 6am to 9pm sets a bad example, suggesting to our children that they should be hyperactive workaholics too. Families need unproductive time together – taking walks, playing games, sitting and talking, reading. Show your children you enjoy their company with no apparent goal – nothing will bolster their self-esteem more effectively.
Treat childhood as a preparation, not a performance
Children should not be judged on every aspect of their performance in life – from school to sports. It puts too much pressure on them and us; resist pressure to push your child to excel early.
Leave empty spaces in your diary
Parents worry about kids being bored and so tend to “over-schedule” their lives. Empty hours are important – they teach children to use their imaginations and create their own happiness.
Great article! Free play is learning…
My mom’s rule was: “Swimming lessons are mandatory through all the redcross levels, and you can do two other things.” Those were girl scouts and dance, for me and my sisters, but there were also ours to choose, and if we’d wanted to swap one for a sport or something, it would have been allowed. This also was loosened as we hit junior high and high school; it was really a hard and fast rule up to the age of thirteen or so.
Got here from Dr. Isis and I have to comment on parents fearing their child will be bored.
My mother was a prominent fixture in my children’s lives and she eliminated the phrase “I’m bored” from their lives very early. Her answer to that was always “Well, nobody is going to be bored around here. Do you want me to find something for you to do, or do you want to find it yourself?”
It didn’t take them long to learn that her choices for them weren’t all that pleasant and definitely not fun.
Thanks Susan – I agree, free play IS learning… besides, haven’t we forgotten the mantra “the best things in life are free”. Too often I hear parents bemoaning how much they have to spend on their kids for fear of them “missing out” if they don’t. It’s sad that parenting has become synonymous with having money.
To Abby, it sounds like your mum had the right balance; encouraging activity as well as letting you choose 2 extracurricular things to participate in. A good balance.
To Donna…
Ah, the joy of grandparents. It’s great that your kids’ grandmother played such an important role in their lives. I was blessed with something of the same situation and it’s always interesting to see what view and position the grandparents will take. Let’s not forget that they have already done this so perhaps we can learn a lesson or two from them!