Step Parents

Being a step parent has unique challenges that are not present in other family situations. To create a happily blended family, you must balance respect and love, discipline and understanding. There is no question that forming a bond with a stepchild can be extremely tough, but there are immense rewards in doing so too. Having step-parents (as well as being a step parent) I know first-hand the joys that both step child and step parent can feel once the connection is made… and believe me, it’s worth the effort.

Not to be overly simplistic, however, I recognise that from those all important first steps to the years of forging a relationship, each case is different and takes it own time. These are my views and experiences; feel free to share yours at the end of this post.

First and foremost let’s be clear about step-parenting. Unlike a first marriage, the union that creates a stepfamily is almost always the result of a traumatic and negative experience: divorce, a split in the family unit or death. Unless we understand that, and deal with the raw emotions arising from the event, we’re unlikely to achieve the harmony we crave in a second marriage and stepfamily.

Can A Step Parent Ever Replace A Real Parent?

It goes without saying that in a perfect world children are best raised in a harmonious family experience with both biological parents. Sadly, this is not always possible and in many cases a happy and secure environment in a stepfamily may well be preferable to the misery and uncertainty of living with parents at war with each other.

So, in a nutshell, “NO”, a step parent should never seek to replace a real parent but to understand the context of why the first family unit broke down and respect that the child in this equation may assume (and often do) that they are to blame for that breakdown. A step parent shouldn’t try and mask these feelings, because as underlying emotions they need to be acknowledged and worked out just like any other serious “loss”.

Three Cs To Ensure You Connect

The important point is to build a happy, harmonious stepfamily which doesn’t replace the original family unit but rather stands by itself and is valued on its own merits. In order to do this, one should focus on what the best-selling author, Mel Menzies, refers to as the “three Cs of successful marriages” (which are, actually, common to all relationships). They are: Commitment; Communication; Cementing.

Your communication of these elements to your step child is paramount in laying the foundations for building a strong and healthy relationship. As human’s we are born dependent upon others. A child’s survival depends upon their parents and that instinct continues for many years. The basic needs for shelter, food, and love remain unabated. As a step parent it is incumbent upon us to provide these basics – to give an unconditional sense of security that these needs will always be met.

For example, moving your toothbrush into the bathroom helps – but isn’t quite enough. Dad’s (or mum’s) belongings used to be there and that didn’t stop them moving out. Starting afresh with a new jointly-owned property is a very good move (pardon the pun). Not only is it a statement of commitment, but it also provides the family with a mutually neutral territory. Continued verbal affirmation helps to convince a spouse and a child that they’re loved – but it needs to be sincere; and it needs to be persistent.

Step Parenting Advice

First and foremost, focus on a shared activity. Engaging in sports activities, going shopping, gardening, walks, cooking and helping with homework are all excellent ways to appreciate your stepchild’s skills whilst also allowing the two of you to bond. Some more unusual activities might have you worried that you’ll look silly and may therefore be somewhat daunting, but a fall when you are out ice-skating may serve to break the ice!

Rather than focusing on the conflicts in your home (and there will be conflicts), invest your energy in creating good times. During the good times when everyone is happy, bonded and relaxed, you can gently and positively bring up the difficulties and ask your children, step children and spouse what each person in the family can do to help resolve the problem. In this way, you make everyone feel that they are part of the solution.

Strive to be more reflective, insightful, compassionate and humane. Focus on the areas in which you need to grow as a parent and a human being and your children and step children will follow your lead.

In the end, fathering and mothering are a result of the time and effort we put into it. It is true that anyone can be a biological parent. But we all know of far too many cases where there are natural parents but no true parenting. Step parenting is always a conscious choice, whereby biological parenthood may be accidental. So, go slow, take your time, communicate, negotiate and compromise… and remember, there will always be certain things that are beyond your control, so accept what cannot be changed.